New Blog

I am no longer using this blog.  I kind of got out of the habit of writing here, and recently I was strong impressed to create a blog that wasn't anonymous and that I would share with the people I know.  So I now have a fully public blog (terrifying!) and I (hesitantly) share each post with those I know on facebook.  If you would like to check it out, here is the link:

www.mymentalhealthmatters.blogspot.com

Thanks for all support I've received on this blog.  <3  I love all of you <3

Reaching out hurts so much lately

It's taken a long time, but I really strive to reach out when I'm in a dark place.  I have a few friends that I specifically reach out too.  One of them knows 100% of everything.  The others, each know a small different percentage depending on the situation/issue and my specific relationship with them.  But it has taken a very long time to be able to open up and even longer for me to learn to actively reach out when I need too.  But lately, reaching out just hurts so much.  Everyone has been so busy and just about any attempt I make to reach out is unsuccessful.  Now, let me be clear about something; I never expect every single person to be there for me 100% of the time.  I don't expect responses to every "check in" text I send, I don't expect that every time I want some company that someone will be able to come over.  But usually, I'm able to get a hold of at least one person, I'm able to exchange some texts.  But lately, I really haven't been able to get a hold of anyone when I really need too.  In fact, I haven't really been able to see/talk to any of my other friends lately either (ones who don't know as much about what's going on with me).  It's lonely.  And so lately, any time that I would normally try to reach out, I instead find myself shutting down.  I'll start to type a text to send, and then change my mind because I know they're busy and I don't want to add on to their own stuff and I know they wouldn't be able to respond and it just seems pointless to worry about sending the text so I just don't.  It just kind of hurts, it's lonely and it's like this awful, achy, gut feeling.

Even my prayers lately...I've just been feeling abandoned.  I'm far from perfect with my prayers and scripture reading, but I really try my best to rely on them.  But lately, it's been very difficult to feel the Spirit, especially when I need too, so it's hard not to feel like I'm completely alone, like even my Heavenly Father and Savior and abandoned me.  I *know* that's not true, I really do.  But right now, that's how it's been feeling.  What am I supposed to do now?  What am I supposed to do when all my attempts to reach out have failed and I'm left alone in my bedroom sobbing?  And I just want someone to be able to text with (about anything) or a hug?

I guess I'm still figuring that out...

World of Darkness

I've been away from the blogging world for awhile, and I've noticed that in addition to not writing on here as much, I haven't written in my journal as much either (I've kind of used the blog as a warm up for my more personal/extensive writing).  So I figured it's time to blog a little bit, even though I don't really feel like I have anything important to say, or even positive; things have actually been pretty dark recently.

One thing in particular I've been struggling with, is this deep, gut, achy feeling of loneliness.  It's terrible.  Don't get me wrong, I "know" I'm not alone...but it doesn't change that I feel that way.  I feel like I've been abandoned, even by my Savior and Heavenly Father.  Again, I know this isn't the case, but one of the affects depression has on me is the ability to feel the Spirit.  So when I need to feel it most, I can't...and it really affects me and how I'm feeling.  Things have been very dark, very overwhelming, and I've been struggling to fight.

As "lame" as it may be, crocheting has become a huge help in trying to hold on.  It helps me keep my hands busy when I want to hurt myself, or when things are so dark I want to end my life.  I'm only a beginner, but the things I've worked on so far haven't turned out so bad, which has also helped build some confidence (something I have very very little of) and it's something I'm proud of and I'm very grateful that I was able to discover this ability.  I've made an afghan for my best friend, a scarf, and I've been working on little baby beanies to donate to the hospital for newborns (I've made about 10 so far).  In addition to continuing with the baby beanies, I'm also currently working on another scarf and another afghan for myself.  It has helped on my darkest nights to allow me to hold on for just a little while longer...even though every fiber of my being wants to give up, quit fighting, and end everything.

Afghan for my best friend

Scarf I made with Green Bay Packers colored yarn I got as a secret santa gift at work (I LOVE the GB Packers)

One of the pink beanies

A couple blue beanies

Tithing

It's been quite some time since I've written.  I don't have a whole lot to update on.  I'm back to just over a month since my last slip up, which is good progress I guess.  Things are very difficult though, especially when you add the typical holiday stress to all of it.  I'm really grateful for the small tender mercies in my life that the Lord gives me, especially in the forms of other people.  Any strength that I have right now is definitely not mine.



On another note, something happened recently that I would like to share about.

So it's that time of year...tithing settlement.  Oh boy.  I was not looking forward to that.  It's something I really struggle with, a lot.  See, growing up, my dad was very inactive, tithing was never a priority.  IF it got paid at all, it was always after everything else.  By the time I was working and had an sort of income to pay my own tithing, it was right around the time that I was decided to leave the church; paying tithing then was not something I wanted to do.  When I came back to church several years ago, I was really strong in paying my tithing.  After about a year, I began to struggle again until it got to the point I was barely paying it.  I always had the intention to pay it, I would write the check...but my hours were low and then things would happen or I would forget and by the time I remembered I just said I would combine it with the next one. About 2 months ago though, I had been talking with my roommate about it and that night I laid in bed thinking about it all, and I became really ashamed that I struggled with it so much; especially because I have been receiving help from the church so I could go back to therapy.  I had no excuses...I just couldn't seem to get myself to pay it.  I then realized the biggest thing, I wasn't asking for help.  I clearly couldn't do it by myself, but I wasn't asking for help.  So I knelt on my knees and asked Heavenly Father for help.  I told him I wanted to pay, but for some reason I struggled with it.  I asked for help and strength as I committed myself to him and his commandment to pay tithing.

Fast forward almost 2 months and I'm sitting in tithing settlement with my branch president telling him all this.  I told him that my tithing for the year was only a partial tithe, but since that night that I recommitted myself, it has been a full tithe.  My branch president looked at me and smiled and said "So, uh, when your shifts at work start increasing?"  Wow.  I didn't even put the two together.  Recently, my shifts at work had increased and because of this, I was able to cover repairs on my car that were needed to pass inspection, and for the first time in several months, I was going to be able to cover all my bills myself and still be able to do therapy.  Occasionally the increased shifts overwhelm me a little, but overall I've been grateful for them.  It wasn't until my branch president asked about the timing of it that I realized it was right around the same time.  As soon as I realized that, I was so humbled and grateful at the mercy the Lord had for me.  I had been having such a hard time with tithing for so long, with no excuse, but yet, as soon as I admitted this to him and asked for help, he poured blessings down on me.  I was working with my budget the other day and trying to decide if I should continue to count on these increased hours when I could feel the spirit telling me, "Just trust in me.  Pay your tithing in full and you will have the hours you need."  In the past couple of months, my testimony of tithing has been strengthened ssoooo much and I'm so grateful.


As I'm writing this, I realize how much this also applies to my struggle and journey with depression and my addiction.  I can't do this by myself, but I continue to try too. It's not that I never ask for help, but I certainly don't ask for as much as I should.  (There are many 'excuses' I find that I give myself to not ask for help, but when it comes down to it, they don't matter).  I don't always have the blessing of being able to feel the spirit, especially when I really need too, but I do often have the privilege and blessing to witness tender mercies in my life and I'm sure if I asked for help more, I would be able to see the help in my life in some way.

Anyways, those are my thoughts for now.  I'm grateful for the strength I've been able to receive from Heavenly Father and the Lord, because I know my own strength ran out a long time ago.

Day Zero

Tuesday I hit my 5 month mark...

...yesterday I went back to day zero :-/

I'm still processing things and struggling to face that I slipped up.  I texted my best friend and let him know to hold myself accountable, but he's been really busy so I didn't hear from him at all yesterday, which kind of sucks...I really wanted to be able to talk with him a bit.  I also told my other friend who knows.  She's very caring and supportive and everything, but I know it's a difficult thing for her to understand, so it's not quite the same with talking to her, but I appreciate the love, support and friendship she shows me regardless and I'm grateful I was able to message her and that she was there for me to respond with said love and support.

Time to start over I guess.  The first few days to a week are always the most difficult after a slip up.  I struggle to get back on my feet and continue to have frequent slip ups for several days until I manage to get myself back on track and start to make some progress again.

Oh my

Oh my, it's been awhile since I've posted.  There's really not much to update on, and I doubt anyone reads this enough to know if I've been posting or not, but I could use some "writing time" so here it goes.  (Sorry it's long)

Recovery-  I've really struggled with actively working recovery.  I haven't been making it to ARP meetings lately, I don't exactly have any excuse.  When I started going to the meetings, it was in support of my best friend who asked me to go along for support and help push and encourage him to go.  Eventually, I started focusing on myself at the meetings as well as focusing on learning how to support and deal with my friends addiction.  However, a few months ago my friends schedule changed and because of it, he can't often go to meetings.  It also means we don't generally hang out after church on Sundays (meetings are on Sunday evenings) so after church I go home and go to sleep (after working overnight Saturday night and not having slept at all).  This often means that I miss the meetings because I'm sleeping, but it's also because I don't always make an effort to be awake to go.  I need to start working on making it to those meetings AND to encourage my friend to go more often when he can, but he's beside the point.  I'm in contact with many people from the meetings, so it wouldn't be so bad if I were at least working recovery at home, but I haven't been.  *sigh* I really need be accountable to someone with all of this, I think it's the only way.  Anyone want to volunteer?  (Kidding.  Kind of...)

Church- To add to my level at sucking at doing the things I'm supposed to be doing- I've been missing church recently.  However, let me explain, this is not on purpose.  I work overnight at the front desk of a hotel, and usually, one of my nights is Saturday night, getting off at 7am Sunday morning.  Until July, our student branch met on campus at the spiritual center and there was very limited nearby parking.  To kill two birds with one stone, I would go straight to campus after work to make sure I went to church, and to get a good parking spot.  I did this because I knew if I went home I would either fall asleep and not wake up to go to church, or I would talk myself out of going.  However in July, we were finally able to start meeting in our own new building, where parking isn't an issue.  I started going home after work so I could at least get a shower because I really hated being at church all day in the grime of work from the night before.  (Even though I wear church clothes to work since we're supposed to look nice, I would take a change to help avoid this, and it still felt like the grime of work).  So for the past month or so, I've been going home after work, showering, set an alarm for church and take a nap.  In the past month, I've made it to church on time once.  Twice I missed it entirely and once I made it for the end of Sacrament meeting.  Clearly, I need to come up with a new routine.  It appears I need to forego the nap and just go into church after I'm showered and ready.  I'm not sure what else to do.  Especially because it's already been really hard for me to go lately because of my depression and anxiety, it becomes even harder to go when I've already been missing.

Scripture reading- Well, I've been struggling with my own personal reading, but I have been reading.  I live in an apartment with 3 others and we're all members.  I'm really close with one of the girls.  About a month ago she expressed frustration because she was having trouble getting up for work on time in the mornings.  Her bosses are really chill and don't care if she's late, so she never had any real accountability to getting up but she wanted to be able to be on time and she would text me in the mornings after getting to late work about how she hated herself and how stressed she was because she was always late.  After a few mornings of this in a row, I sat her down with an idea.  Because I work an overnight shift, and only work a few nights a week, my schedule is fairly flexible.  I don't have a set time I have to be awake in the morning.  So we talked about what time she wanted to be able to leave and how much time she needed to get ready in the morning.  We then added 30 min to that time to come up with a time for the two of us to get up (630am) and read scriptures together.  After we're done she eats and gets ready and goes to work and depending on my sleep schedule at the time, I'm either up for the day or I go back to bed for a few hours.  If I work the night before (I get off at 7am), I make her text me when she's awake (sending me a picture of something outside her bedroom so I know she's up), she gets ready first and then when I get home, we have just enough time to read together before she goes to work.  It's been working great for both of us.  It helps me to not stay in bed all day because by getting up first thing and someone relying on me being up, forces me to get out of bed.  It also helps me get some sort of scripture reading in, even if I'm still struggling with my personal reading.  And she has shared how much it has helped her to have someone to be accountable to to wake up and she's much less stressed in the mornings.

Sobriety- I am days away from hitting my 5 month mark since the last time I hurt myself.  This is the longest stretch I've had for several years now.  There are two "voices" going on here.  Voice #1 - every single one of those days was a struggle.  Every single one of those days felt like it would be impossible to make it through without giving in.  So I should be proud of the progress I've made in not hurting myself.  Voice #2 - Every day continues to be a struggle.  The urges intensify and it feels like the inevitable slip up is just lurking around the corner.
I know it doesn't have to be inevitable, but that's how it feels.

Overall- I wrote the following in my journal the other day.  I feel like I need to share it, though I don't know why, nor do I really want to per se.  But this blog is supposed to be about healing and recovery and that includes being open and honest.

"Things have been rough, especially this week.  I've been feeling so hopeless.  It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.  I am in this pitch black, dark hole of depression.  It hurts, it's so painful and there only seems to be one way out, one way to make the hurt and pain end.  I am so desperate to make everything end.  It's so consuming.  So overwhelming.  I feel like I am underwater being crushed by a thousand tons of bricks on my chest.  I can't keep doing this.  I feel like I'm failing at everything around me.  I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things.  I spend so much by myself sobbing because I just can't handle it.  I just want to end my life.  What would it matter?  I feel like everyone around me would be so much better off if I weren't around being some worthless burden.  My mind is consumed by dark triggering images that I've been exposed to recently, even though I've been careful.  It's consumed by thoughts of how/when to end things.  I can't accurately express the intensity of the darkness or intensity of my desperation.  I just want it all to end!  Please?!?! :'(  I at least need some sort of relief, no matter how brief.  A small amount of relief is better than none at all.  . . . I'm scared.  I can't do this anymore"

Now that I'm done typing that, I kind of feel a little better.  I feel like it was an attempt to really get across how I've been feeling lately, though it still doesn't seem to scratch the surface.

I'm sorry this is long, and if you actually read it all; well, thank you <3

Sobriety

Therapy- I started therapy again last month.  Because of some insurance things, for the time being, I'm really only able to meet with her once a month for a bit.  So I had my first appointment back a few weeks ago, I choose to return to my old therapist.  I decided this because therapy has always been a scary thing for me, and I felt I would be much more likely to jump back in if it was with someone I was comfortable with. I also decided this because she has/knows my past and I wouldn't have to go through the "intake" process again and have to relive through some painful things.  (Though of course there are some things I still have to work through, but there's a difference between working through them to overcome them, and reliving them to tell someone about them AND working through them to overcome them.)  I also figured that if it became apparent I needed to go somewhere else to get what I need, my therapist could give a more personal referral since she knows me and my past, than someone who was making a blind referral could.

Anyways, my first meeting back with her was a few weeks ago.  We discussed some different things.  We talked about why I was back, we talked about the issues I still have with self-harm, we talked about things that have changed since the last time I was there, we talked about the goals that I want to work on.  And at the end of the appointment, we choose 2 things for me to work on for next time we meet.  She mentioned that some of the things we talked about it, it seemed I had made some progress from the last time I had been there.  Mostly in regards to my family.  She pointed out that before, my view on the issues with my family were such that I wanted no contact because I couldn't bear to forgive them.  I hated them and I couldn't accept the things they did/do to me and I didn't want to even try.  This time when we met, I mentioned that I was on limited contact with them while I try to work through things.  I mentioned that I wanted to work on how to move on from what they've done in the past, to accept that the way they are is just how they are and to learn how to handle things they say and do to me without letting it affect me.  To her this was progress.  She said that to go from hating them and not wanting to even try to forgive them, to wanting to be able to learn how to just not let them affect me and have some sort of relationship with them, even if it's somewhat limited.

Self-harm, Sobriety/Recovery-  I'm working hard to try to focus on recovery.  I work hard to acknowledge the places I'm in, to check in with my best friend on a daily basis and honestly express the difficulties I may be having, thoughts that are in my head. not bottle things up or shut down.  I do my best to remain in a safe place, though I struggle greatly with that.  I've been struggling with my scripture reading lately, but I'm doing my best.  I'm days away from my 4 month "sobriety" mark.  I'm trying to hold on to the "good" things about this- mainly the fact that every single day of those 4 months, I felt like I wasn't going to survive.  I wanted to quit, I wanted to give in and I didn't care of anything I would feel or regret after the fact.  However, every single day is harder than the day before.  I feel like a dam that is ready to break.  Every day when more stress is added, when I become more overwhelmed, I feel like I am closer and closer to that inevitable slip up/relapse.  I don't want to feel that way, I don't want the thought that "slip ups are a part of recovery" to be an excuse/justification/self-fulfilled prophesy of sorts.  There was a period of time I went 2 years without hurting myself, since the relapse that broke that period of sobriety, I have yet to come anywhere close to that again.  In fact, 4 months (even the 3 months before that) is the longest I've gone in some time, I'm grateful for that, but it's an every day struggle and I know I can never be complacent about it, I have to continue to fight in order to be successful.  I'm grateful for my best friend and the support he gives me, for the other friends I have by my side, whether they know the specific things going on or not, and I'm grateful for the strength I've received from my Savior and Heavenly Father because I know my own strength ran out some time ago, I know the strength I have now is not my own.

Safe?

I haven't posted for awhile, mostly because I haven't really had anything positive to post and so many of my posts lately have been "downers", that I didn't want to post another one.  I've been struggling with my scripture reading and working recovery lately so I haven't had a lot of insight to post, though our ARP meeting this week was interesting, perhaps I'll post about that later.

But right now...I'm in a very unsafe place.  I am trying not to give in.  I've been trying to reach out to people, but everyone is busy; which is fine, I understand...but it's lonely.  And now it's about 4am where I am so of course everyone is asleep and I'm not safe and so I'm posting on here to all of you, who don't know me, who won't see this for who knows how long (if even at all), and who really can't do anything for me...but I'm trying hard not to give in and hurt myself and this is just something else to keep my hands busy for a few moments.

 I'm been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately; feeling sick and exhausted.  I've had a constant headache for about a week and a half.  It changes from a bad headache to a bad migraine...but it's been constant and it's difficult.  Staying alive is a huge struggle right now.  My birthday is next week and every year around this times comes a deeper depression than I'm already in because I don't want to live to see another year where I will feel worthless and be a failure.

I started to rewatch a show that I like on netflix, but I forgot the first few episodes have some triggering content in it.  In all my exhaustion, I wasn't being too careful...or maybe deep down I didn't want to be too careful, my ability and desire to fight is dwindling and it has gotten to the point that I don't really care anymore.

Sorry for the post.  I'll try to post something better next time...

So what now?

I guess it's time to take another step towards getting healthy.  After basically being thrown in the deep end of the pool today, I will be resuming therapy.

I've done therapy off and on for many years.  I saw someone when I was younger, but I felt I wasn't getting anything from him.  I felt that he wasn't addressing my needs.  My parents wouldn't listen to me though (though the act of making me go see someone may seem caring, it's hard to see that that's what they were doing, especially when I went to them with my concerns and they wouldn't listen.)  So instead, I started to go to therapy and I lied.  I told him everything was great, and hid anything going on.  Eventually, he told my parents that I didn't need to see him anymore.  He basically scarred my experience of therapy and I REFUSED to try again for a very long time.  It wasn't until 2009 (probably about 10 years later) that I finally made the choice to try to go back to therapy.  I really liked the therapist I found and found things helpful.  But then my insurance was changing, and she was no longer covered and I couldn't afford to keep her without the insurance.  At the same time, I had a severe cut in hours and couldn't afford the copays to go anywhere else, so I made the decision to stop.  Just before all this had happened, I felt like I had hit a plateau with her anyways; I'm not sure if it was because of my own road blocks or because I had gotten everything I could from her.  Going back to therapy has been on my mind a little bit but financially, I can't even afford to pay all my bills without help, I know I wouldn't be able to cover paying for all of that.

But then I had a conversation with a friend today, and he expressed a lot of concerns, both about me and also himself.  He's noticed how bad of a place I'm in.  He sees me sliding down a very slippery slope and he's concerned about me.  He thinks I really need to do this.  He also expressed concern about himself.  He has learned that he struggles with this complex/need to be able to fix everything; so when someone comes to him, he feels the need to fix everything and lately he has felt like he's replaced a trained/qualified resource.  I have never expected, or wanted, him to fix everything, and I never intended for him to feel like I use him as a replacement for someone qualified, all I've ever wanted is a friend, and he knows this.  I told him I'd be careful with what I open up about but he said that wasn't it.  This is just something he knows about himself and needs to be careful for his well being.  He still wants to be the supportive friend and wants me to open up to him, he just feels strongly that it's time to try therapy again...

So between my own thoughts, and his concerns, and even the support from my branch president, I'm going to go back to therapy.  I talked with my branch president about getting help financially and he said of course he's willing to help.  So here were go again.

Now it's time to make decisions.  Do I go back to my old therapist?  Or do I go elsewhere?  I think I've decided that at least to start, I'm going to go back to my old therapist.  I'm comfortable with her, she's treated me before and I wouldn't necessarily have to go through everything again.  If it becomes apparent that I have gotten all I can get from her, then she'll be able to give me a more personal referral than someone who doesn't know me/my history.  I was thinking about WHY it felt like I hit a plateau with her before, and I think it's because I didn't know what I wanted.  So this time, I'm going to walk in there with clear goals of things I want to learn/accomplish and overcome.  I'm terrified...but I know I need to try this again.

I'm too terrified to post this on Facebook, so I'm posting it here...

As most, if not all of you know, Robin Williams took his life this week.  This has hit me, HARD.  Let me explain something; I have a hard time hearing about stories of those who have taken their life, or those who have attempted.  This is not because I'm cold and heartless or because I don't care; it's because they're very triggering for me.  Those stories are real for me, the feelings those people feel are so real and raw for me.  It reminds me of the two attempts I have in my past.  It reminds me of the constant thoughts of taking my life that consume my entire being.  (Though, just to be clear, this is not the case if someone were to come to me and say they were feeling that way and asking for help.  I would instantly be there for them and talk to them and try to get them the help they need).

So Monday night I get on facebook and instantly my news feed is filled with stories about Robin Williams death, in addition to other articles/stories about depression and suicide.  Instant trigger.  But what was more than that, was the CRUEL and AWFUL comments everyone was making.  Not just on the article comments themselves, but also the posts and remarks from people in my own life.  It felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.  I know depression is wildly misunderstood, but these comments were so far beyond that, they were just flat out judgmental, cruel, and nasty.  I know none of those comments were directed at me personally, but as I was reading them, it felt like they were.  It made me HATE myself (even more than I already do).  It made me angry and frustrated and hate myself because this "depression is a choice" and because I can't just "think happy" or "snap out of it"  (I posted an entry a little while ago related to this aspect).

There were a couple comments that seemed to be repeated that really bothered me more than others.  But one of them was a comment someone allegedly made on their blog.  I saw a headline regarding The Matt Walsh blog or whatever (I don't read this blog but I know it's pretty popular???) and a comment he made saying that suicide was a choice.  That just really hurt.  He doesn't get it.  Depression is a DISEASE, it's an ILLNESS.  There are things going on, things that are wrong with your brain that keep you from being able to function properly.  Telling people with depression to just be happy or snap out of it, is like telling someone with cancer to just be healthy, just snap out of it and make the cancer go away.  It doesn't work that way.  Fighting cancer, getting treatment, hanging on to life is exhausting; and so it is with depression.  But the normal healthy person can't fully understand unless they've had cancer, unless they've had depression (or someone very close to them has).  To the normal healthy person, suicide may seem like a choice.  But just as someone dying from cancer isn't a choice, to a very depressed person, suicide isn't a choice either.  When you have depression, you are so exhausted from fighting for your life, the depression consumes your mind, your entire being.  It is an illness!  Your brain is being affected and you're not in the right state of mind, suicide begins to feel like the only choice, like the only way out and you can't see anything else.  You don't necessarily want to die, but it appears to be the only option.  What else are you supposed to do?  The depression takes over everything and you feel like you're no longer in control.  I've had two suicide attempts, those nights, suicide did not feel like a choice, it felt like the only way.  Somehow, the depression lifted by just a tiny milimeter and I was able to realize what was happening and stop and call someone for help.  But if it hadn't lifted, I probably would not have survived.  I continue to fight DAILY thoughts and desires to end my life.  A couple of people know this and I'm grateful that those who do, know me well enough to realize when I'm sliding down that slope and help pull me up and keep me safe when I don't realize that's where I was headed.

There is also a quote I found some time ago that seems to explain it fairly well-

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” -David Foster Wallace

I don't know if much of this made sense, I just wish people could understand some more about depression.  It's hurtful and frustrating to hear people say these awful things when they have no idea what they're talking about.  I really wanted to be able to post this on my own facebook page, sharing my experience, but I'm just not ready to do that.  While many people know I suffer from depression, or am "having a very hard time right now", not many know of my self-harm, suicide attempts or current suicidal feelings and I'm not ready yet to just put it out there.  I hope people begin to realize what they're saying at that maybe they should back off and realize that they have no idea what someone may have been/is dealing with or experiencing or feeling.  Please don't automatically judge those, people have compassion, people realize the truly awful place they must have been in to end their life, no matter how selfish it may seem.  For people to want to end their life, and then to act on it...they're in a very dark place.  Please just try to be a friend who loves and if you know someone who is depressed or suicidal, be there for them.  I don't mean to take it on by yourself, that's not good or fair for either one of you.  But help them reach out to the professional help they made need, tell them you love them and value them.  Help them get out of their house, take them a meal, text/call them to tell them you're thinking of them.  It doesn't have to be a big gesture, believe me, even the small things help.  Please watch out for your own well being.  If you don't feel your well being is safe (especially if you yourself struggle with those things and it triggers or causes you more distress), explain to them that it's a bit much for you to handle at the moment, tell them you're sorry, that you love them and then call someone else who would be able to help them and be there for them.