Commit!

I have a very close friend who knows everything about me and my struggles, and one of the things he likes to say all the time, is "Commit!"  He asks me to make promises and commitments all the time. This is helpful for several reasons, first of all, being accountable only to myself, and only making myself promises, doesn't do much for me.  I don't keep promises made to myself very often because I figure, "Who cares?", I need someone to be accountable to.  In addition, it helps me to make the promises and commitments I need to make to my Heavenly Father.  I struggle with that aspect of it, and I'm not quite sure why yet, it's something to explore.

Anyways, there's a reason why I've brought up the idea of commitment.  There have been a couple times where I begin to feel like giving in is inevitable; that it is going to happen no matter what, so why bother fighting it?  Why not just give in and 'get it over with'?  I hated feeling that way because logically I knew it wasn't inevitable, I didn't HAVE to give in...so why did it feel like it was impossible to avoid?  It was because I had already made the decision!  I felt like I had no choice in fighting it, because I already made the choice to give in.  When I brought up this concept to my friend, he said something along the lines of "then don't decide, COMMIT! Commit that you won't hurt yourself."  He's right, I need to stop making the decision beforehand; stop feeling like giving in isn't inevitable.  It's not!

COMMIT!

Step 1: Honesty

I had a slip up last week, after going 3 weeks without hurting myself.  But I'm doing my best to pick myself up and move on.  I've been spending time on starting at the beginning of the Addiction Recovery Program with some focus on myself and my addictions.  I've also been spending time starting over at the beginning of The Book of Mormon and focusing on truly understanding the scriptures and applying them to me.  Thus far, it's gone well.

First of all, Step 1 in the Addiction Recovery Program is Honesty; to admit that we are powerless over our addictions and that our lives have become unmanageable.  I've slowly come to fully realize the truth behind this.  My life truly has become unmanageable and I am completely powerless over my addiction to hurting myself and over my struggle/addiction with food.  It's taken me a long time to get to this point of admitting it...and to be honest, I don't want to admit it.  The pride in me still wants to think "it's not that bad", "you can overcome this on your own."  Guess what?  No!  I can't.  I can't get over this on my own.  I've been hurting myself for 10 years and I continue to slide downwards and now it's the only way I know how to deal with things.  It is far beyond my ability to overcome this on my own.

This concept played in well with beginning my study again of The Book of Mormon.  Nephi's father Lehi was commanded in a dream that he was to depart from Jerusalem and take his family into the wilderness.  They left their gold, silver and precious things behind; taking only provisions and tents.  The Lord asked him to leave everything behind and Lehi did as he was commanded.  What if the Lord asked me to leave everything behind and depart somewhere?  Would I be able to or be as willing to do so?  It's a scary thing to think about...but it's something that I can relate too (as I suspect many others can too).  Isn't the Lord asking us to leave worldy things behind?  To be in the world but not of the world?  How many of us are able to do so?  Isn't He also asking us to leave behind our addictions?  To depart from the world of addiction, rely on the Lord and other resources and journey to new and better place.  Unfortunately, not many of us are as willing as Lehi was to leave everything behind.  It's hard to do, and just as Lehi had to rely on the Lord during his journey, so do we.

After Lehi and his family journeyed into the wilderness, he was commanded to send Nephi, Sam, Laman and Lemuel back to Jerusalam to get the brass plates from Laban.  As I was reading, I begin to wonder what the "Laban" 's were in my life.  My depression, and my addiction.  Nephi and his brothers made a couple attempts to try to get the plates from Laban, all unsuccessful.  They tried to ask for them, and they tried to buy them/bribe him for them.  Neither of these attempts worked.  I can't ask my depression/addiction away.  I can't "buy" it or "bribe" it away.  When they were ready to give up. Nephi was visited by an angel and told him to go to Jerusalem again, that the Lord would deliver Laban unto them.  When Laman and Lemuel began to murmur, they asked an important question:  "Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?"  Why not us?  Depression/Addiction can destroy lives, it can destroy us...but why not me?  Why not you?  Because we can make God our partner.

"Nephi made God his partner. If he failed to get the plates, it meant God had failed.  And because God does not fail, it was incumbent upon Nephi to get the plates or lay down his life in the attempt."  -Elder Bruce R McConkie

When we make God our partner, we can face those things in our lives.  God didn't sent us here to fail; God doesn't fail.   " . . .let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; for behold he is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than Laban and his fifty, yea, or even than his tens of thousands?"  (1 Nephi 4:1)  The Lord is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than my depression, why not mightier than my addiction to hurting myself?  The Lord is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than [insert your struggle here]?  The Lord can deliver us.

I need to do a better job at making the Lord my partner, relying on him more as I make this journey to a new and better land.