Tender Mercies

I haven't been doing as well with scripture reading and "working" my recovery as much as I should be these days.  I could list some reasons why I've been busy but really, I just haven't been making time.  I haven't felt like, so I've been slacking.  This is the attitude I need to avoid.  It's hard enough to fight things as it is...if I slack off too much, it's going to get worse.

Anyways, I was doing some thinking today and my mind wandered to the topic of tender mercies.  Suffering with depression, feeling the spirit can often be difficult, especially in the darkest moments when I need it most.  But I do have things/people/events in my life that remind me that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is aware of me.  There have been things like texts from my best friend just at the right moment, an email from a friend who's away for the summer that simply says "I was just thinking about you.  Love ya!", etc etc etc.  The #1 thing that serves as a reminder to me is my friendship with my best friend.  The manner in how we became friends is a little random, but looking back at our friendship, it is obvious that Heavenly Father placed us in each other's lives right when we needed each other the most, and were able to be there for each other in a way that no one else could have.  Looking back at some events in my life that happened that caused me to be in this location at this time, have always frustrated me in the past...but it has become beyond obvious there was a reason why going to school in Florida didn't happen like I had dreamt, why my attempts to come back to church weren't successful before my attempt in summer 2010 finally was.  The friendship is constantly a source of tender mercies to me.  I can feel the love and care my best friend has for me, and at times, I can even feel the love my Savior and Heavenly Father have for me through him as well (if that makes sense?).

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance."  -1 Nephi 1:20

To go along with that scripture, and one of my favorite quotes about tender mercies, from Elder David A Bednar:

"The Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strengths, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindness, consolation, support and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. . . .The Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.  Faithfulness, obedience and humility invite tender mercies into our lives and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings."

Some time ago, I began writing down tender mercies I witnessed in my life in my journal. I then also use those little post it tags to mark the pages where I recorded a tender mercy, so anytime I need reminding, I can easily turn to a page and be reminded of the things in my life.  I strongly encourage others to do this.  It has been such a great blessing in my life to do so; not just record them, but mark them so you can easily find them.  I urge you to give it a try.  <3

Rough Day/Night...

I've been having a really hard day and evening.  It's been a struggle to get out of bed and spend most of the day lying in bed sleeping or sobbing.  The urge to not give in and hurt myself has been incredibly hard to resist/fight.  Not only that, but the temptation to act on darker things on my mind has been very strong too.  Every once in awhile, I decide that it would be best to shut myself down; plaster a smile on my face, pretend everything is great and kind of shut people out.  The only person this really affects is my best friend, who gets frustrated when I shut him out, and also knows of the state of my mental mind and the decline that has been occurring, desire to hurt myself, desire to give up etc, so when I don't respond to texts and such, he gets worried :-/.  I don't intentionally do it...I just hit this state of mind where I feel like I'm just a burden and overwhelming people and so I feel like I need to shut down.  My friend made it clear to me today that if I am unresponsive to texts/messages or phone calls for an impractical period of time, he will come knocking on my door and if I ignore that, he will be calling the police...because he knows exactly where my mind is, what is in my past/what I'm capable of and what I want to do.  I appreciate that he cares and what's to do what's best...but I hate that I worry him or make him feel like he has to do those things; and so begins another cycle of wanting to shut down.

My friend also sent me a quote today that I usually try to hold on too in hard times, I really needed the reminded today-

"Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters - mental or emotional or physical or otherwise - do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are 'like a broken vessel,' as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed."  -Elder Holland

 I feel completely consumed my darkness; I do most of the time.  Every step and breath feel impossible.  It's like I'm trying to move through quicksand.  It's like I'm trying to breathe under water with thousands of pounds of bricks on my chest. It's also difficult to feel the Spirit when you struggle with depression, especially severe depression; so the times I need it most, I feel alone and deserted, even though I know "logically" that isn't the case.  I've been rereading some of my posts this week and my journal entries to remind myself some of the things I saw/learned in the scriptures this week...but right now, I'm blinded.  I can't see anything else except that "one way" out, and I'm desperate for it.  While I'm sure it doesn't make sense to most, one of the reasons why I resort to hurting myself, is because it gives me a tiny bit of relief, even if it's only for a few moments.  It gives me a relief long enough to be able to keep going and keep from acting on that "final thought" just a little bit longer.  Currently, the only thing keeping me from hurting myself is the fact that I'm writing this, and I know if I act out, my best friend will be incredibly disappointed and that I let him down and I hate that feeling so much.  And I hate the feeling that I've let down my Heavenly Father.  I've gone just over a week since I last slipped up, I really don't want to slip up again so soon.  (Or ever, but you know what I mean.)  Last time it happened, it was progress that there weren't multiple slips ups.  Usually when I slip up, I struggle for several days with several more slips up before I'm able to "get back on track" and get a few days of "sobriety".  *deep breathes*  I'm going to go back to working on crocheting an afghan.  I have found that while it doesn't necessarily keep my mind busy (so to speak), crocheting keeps my hands busy/distracted and keeps me from acting out for a bit.  Hopefully, eventually I'll manage to get to sleep tonight.

Goodnight everyone.  I hope I able to have a "good report" in the morning.

1 week

I am one week "clean" again. Yay!

So in last nights scripture study, I was in 1 Nephi 7, reading about Nephi and Ishmael's family.  Lehi was told by the Lord to send Nephi, Sam, Laman, and Lemuel back to Jerusalem to speak to Ishmael and his family.  While they were all traveling back to the wilderness; Laman, Lemuel, two of the daughters of Ishmael, two of the sons of Ishmael and their families began to rebel.  It is after that that Nephi begins asking them about their testimonies and the things they've experienced:
"How is it that ye are so hard in your hearts, and so blind in your minds?" (vs 8)
"How is it that ye have not hearkened unto the word of the Lord?" (vs 9)
"How is it that ye have forgotten that ye have seen an angel of the Lord?" (vs 10)
"How is it that ye have forgotten what great things the Lord hath done for us?" (vs 11)

I feel like these questions are relevant to me as well, to everyone.  How is it I forget to hearken unto the word of the Lord?  How is it I have forgotten the great things the Lord has done for me?  In my darkest moments, I forget those things.  When I am in a storm of temptation, I forget to pick up my scriptures and instead give in to the temptation.  Instead of holding onto the good things in my life and the things the Lord has blessed me with, I am holding onto my addiction.

After Nephi asks his brothers those things, there's one more thing he asks... (vs 12)  "Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him?  Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."  If it so be that they exercise faith in him.  He then exhorts us; Wherefore, let us be faithful to him.  Let us be faithful, and the Lord is able to all things according to his will.  How often do we forget this?  How often do I forget this?

There's one more thing that happens in their journey back to the wilderness that kind of struck me.  After Nephi said all those things, his brothers got angry and tied him up and wanted to take his life.  Nephi prayed to the Lord to be delivered and the cords were loosed.  He then tried to speak to his brothers again; they tried to take his life again, but they were stopped this time.  One of the daughters of Ishmael, her mother, and one of the sons of Ishmael begged with his brethen, and their hearts were softened, they ceased to try to hurt Nephi and they became sorrowful of their wickedness and began to seek forgiveness.  The first thing that struck me, was what in the world did they possibly say that managed to soften their hearts?  But more than that, what great amount of courage it took for them to stand up to Nephi's brothers?  It amazes me.

Alone in the Church?

I've been doing several posts over the past day or two, I'm just excited about this blog up and going and I want to reach out to people and there's a lot of things on my mind and what I want to say.

I appreciate that depression is being talked about in the church a little more often and is slowly becoming a little bit more understood.  I left the church once towards the end of high school for about 5 years or so; and it was because of my depression.  I was struggling a lot and no matter what I was doing, it didn't feel like anything was changing.  In addition to this, so many people in the church around me were making comments like "Well, if you were more worthy of the Spirit you wouldn't feel like that" and "You must have done something to cause it".  Clearly, they didn't know or understand anything depression, but I was in a vulnerable state and I began to believe those things and I got so frustrated that I left church.  Thankfully, I was able to finally find my way back and to be honest, I wouldn't trade the experience because it taught me a lot.  But there are still a lot of people who make those comments and a lot things that aren't understood; that depression is not about will power or happy thoughts etc etc.

But something else that is hard for me, is my struggle with self-harm.  That is NEVER talked about, I don't know or have heard about a single other church member who has struggled with something like this.  It's so hard not to feel completely alone in the church with struggle.  I mean, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I don't want anyone to know what this is like...but...I don't know.  I've known people outside of the church who have struggled with it, but it's not completely the same.  And other friends I have in the church can understand to a point because of their own struggles that have a few similar parallels.  I know I'm not alone, if no one else, I know the Lord knows what I'm dealing with, and I'm so grateful for the sacrifice He made for me...but there's also something different about knowing someone who knows what you're going through too.

This is why I wanted to start this blog.  To reach out to people who are struggling in general, who struggle with addictions in general, struggle with depression, and struggle with hurting themselves, especially church members but also non-members.  I pray that this can help someone in some way shape or form.  Please, if you ever want to reach out to me for any reason, don't hesitate to email me-  iwillovercomethistrial@gmail.com

Step 1: Honesty

I had a slip up last week, after going 3 weeks without hurting myself.  But I'm doing my best to pick myself up and move on.  I've been spending time on starting at the beginning of the Addiction Recovery Program with some focus on myself and my addictions.  I've also been spending time starting over at the beginning of The Book of Mormon and focusing on truly understanding the scriptures and applying them to me.  Thus far, it's gone well.

First of all, Step 1 in the Addiction Recovery Program is Honesty; to admit that we are powerless over our addictions and that our lives have become unmanageable.  I've slowly come to fully realize the truth behind this.  My life truly has become unmanageable and I am completely powerless over my addiction to hurting myself and over my struggle/addiction with food.  It's taken me a long time to get to this point of admitting it...and to be honest, I don't want to admit it.  The pride in me still wants to think "it's not that bad", "you can overcome this on your own."  Guess what?  No!  I can't.  I can't get over this on my own.  I've been hurting myself for 10 years and I continue to slide downwards and now it's the only way I know how to deal with things.  It is far beyond my ability to overcome this on my own.

This concept played in well with beginning my study again of The Book of Mormon.  Nephi's father Lehi was commanded in a dream that he was to depart from Jerusalem and take his family into the wilderness.  They left their gold, silver and precious things behind; taking only provisions and tents.  The Lord asked him to leave everything behind and Lehi did as he was commanded.  What if the Lord asked me to leave everything behind and depart somewhere?  Would I be able to or be as willing to do so?  It's a scary thing to think about...but it's something that I can relate too (as I suspect many others can too).  Isn't the Lord asking us to leave worldy things behind?  To be in the world but not of the world?  How many of us are able to do so?  Isn't He also asking us to leave behind our addictions?  To depart from the world of addiction, rely on the Lord and other resources and journey to new and better place.  Unfortunately, not many of us are as willing as Lehi was to leave everything behind.  It's hard to do, and just as Lehi had to rely on the Lord during his journey, so do we.

After Lehi and his family journeyed into the wilderness, he was commanded to send Nephi, Sam, Laman and Lemuel back to Jerusalam to get the brass plates from Laban.  As I was reading, I begin to wonder what the "Laban" 's were in my life.  My depression, and my addiction.  Nephi and his brothers made a couple attempts to try to get the plates from Laban, all unsuccessful.  They tried to ask for them, and they tried to buy them/bribe him for them.  Neither of these attempts worked.  I can't ask my depression/addiction away.  I can't "buy" it or "bribe" it away.  When they were ready to give up. Nephi was visited by an angel and told him to go to Jerusalem again, that the Lord would deliver Laban unto them.  When Laman and Lemuel began to murmur, they asked an important question:  "Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?"  Why not us?  Depression/Addiction can destroy lives, it can destroy us...but why not me?  Why not you?  Because we can make God our partner.

"Nephi made God his partner. If he failed to get the plates, it meant God had failed.  And because God does not fail, it was incumbent upon Nephi to get the plates or lay down his life in the attempt."  -Elder Bruce R McConkie

When we make God our partner, we can face those things in our lives.  God didn't sent us here to fail; God doesn't fail.   " . . .let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; for behold he is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than Laban and his fifty, yea, or even than his tens of thousands?"  (1 Nephi 4:1)  The Lord is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than my depression, why not mightier than my addiction to hurting myself?  The Lord is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than [insert your struggle here]?  The Lord can deliver us.

I need to do a better job at making the Lord my partner, relying on him more as I make this journey to a new and better land.  

Starting

Well, I started this blog, and then failed to make any entries.  I realized I have no idea what I wanted to say.  I want to be able to reach out to people, I want to be able to share my story, but I have no idea where to start or how to express everything is words.  For now, maybe I'll just start where I am, as time goes on, I'll explain the things in my past.

Depression is a really hard thing to deal with, and it's really hard for other people to understand.  I mean, how can you explain to someone that you just can't get out of bed, and no amount of will power, or KNOWING that you have things do to, can make it physically possible.  I've had a lot of days in the past where getting out of bed has been quite impossible,  Recently, however, it's been happening more and more.  The past two weeks has been a struggle.  It's like you just don't have the strength to get out, put your feet on the ground, stand up and face the day.  I lie in bed all day, sleeping, sobbing, wishing I didn't exist.  It doesn't matter I have school work to do, it doesn't matter that I am supposed to be training for my first 5k, it doesn't matter that I have work shifts coming up...I just can't do it.  I feel overwhelmed, I feel like breathing is unbearable, I feel like every step is impossible.  I feel alone, and scared.  I've been on and off meds for awhile, usually finding them unhelpful.  Recently, I finally found my way back to a doctor again because I've just been in too bad of a place.  She prescribed me some meds and we made a follow up for a month later.  A month comes and I have seen no improvement in things, so she changes me to something stronger.  She also said that if this doesn't work, she recommends I go back to a psychiatrist because I've already been on all the different meds she feels comfortable and qualified to prescribe.  I've been so a psychiatrist before, it just means harder to get appointments and a higher copay.  Unfortunately, it's been almost a month on the new meds and I don't see much improvement with these either.  However, I do notice a slight decrease in my anxiety.  Because of this, she may agree to up the dosage and see if there's any more improvement.  I've also considered going back to therapy.  It's not a choice I want to make, I've been in it before, and I have mixed feelings about it.  Last time I was in therapy, I also felt like I plateaued.  In addition, I'm not in a good financial position and therefore can't afford to be going to the doctors, meds, and regular therapy sessions.  We'll see I guess.

Recently, a memory from my past has resurfaced.  It's a memory I work really hard at blocking out, but as conversations with an old family friend have had the topic of my father and my past, this memory has resurfaced.  I've been unsuccessful blocking at blocking it back out and it's affecting me.  First of all, a little quick background regarding my family.  I have a younger brother (2 years younger) who physically abused me growing up, and no, not in a "siblings fight" kind of way, much more beyond that.  My parents, though never physically abusive, abused me verbally/emotionally.  My brother was the golden, god-like child who could do no wrong.  I was the worthless piece of trash who was never good and made them ashamed.  My father also had a lot of anger management problems and would often burst into fits/tantrums where he would scream and yell, break things, destroy things, throw things, road rage, etc etc etc (it's hard to describe them without truly being there, but they were terrifying.  To this day I still struggle with some PTSD whenever something happens that I know would set him off, even though I no longer live at home).  Again, my dad never physically abused me, but he was inches away from that line, and I was terrified for the day where he would cross it.  Anyways, the specific memory is from a night in high school, all the details are a little fuzzy, but I was in the living room watching tv with my family.  I don't remember what had happened or why he said this, but my dad told me that he seriously wanted to kill me, and to be honest, I had no doubt that it could happen.  I was scared to death to be at home after that.  Eventually I managed to block that night out, but every once in awhile it comes back up.  And right now, I struggle enough with thoughts of wanting to end my life, knowing that it wouldn't matter to my family if I was here or not, really pushes me closer to it.

I've gone almost three weeks now since I last hurt myself.  Yay right?  Maybe.  Every day is a huge fight that I have to fight with my entire being to not give in and hurt myself.  Hurting myself gives me some control, it releases a lot of things inside (I relate it to o soda bottle that has been shaken up and about ready to burst from the pressure, the slightest move of the lid releases so much of that pressure, one act of hurting myself releases the pressure I feel building up inside.)  It also is a way for me to understand what's going on.  Let me explain that.  Sometimes, I don't understand everything in my head, or I don't understand the depression and it's hard to make sense of it, but when I can take that pain, and make it physical, I can see it, I can understand it, I have a tangible thing to blame things on.  It may not make sense, but does to me.  Also, it comes as a relief.  In all the darkness I feel, all the drowning and suffocating I experience, hurting myself is a relief from the raging storm around me.  I don't really know how to explain it.  It's like things calm down for a few moments.  I've relied on hurting myself for going on 10+ years now, it's scary to think about not having it in my life to deal with things.  It often ends up as a compromise to ending my life.  But, I need to work on moving past it and discovering healthier ways to deal with things.

I have an addiction to hurting myself.  I also have an addiction with food.  I've struggled with binging/overeating and also with not eating.  Right now, I'm either not eating at all, or overeating, there seems to be no balance.  My church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or LDS/Mormons) has a 12 step addiction recovery program that is based off of the 12 steps of AA.  I began going to meetings as to be a support for someone else who asked me to attend with them and be there for them with their struggles, and while that it still my focus, I've come to learn that I can have my own focus as well, that I need to work this program as well. So I begin my journey with the 12 steps. to try to overcome the things in my life.  As I take this journey, I will post my findings, inspiration, story, struggles etc.  I have found many inspirational blogs from others who are struggling, and those who are close to someone to struggling.  Even though their stories/addictions are not the same as mine, they are very relateable, they help me learn, see things in a new light, and find hope and courage.  I hope this blog finds its way to someone who needs it as well.

-Mary

Introduction---My Story

Hello there.  For the sake of keeping myself anonymous for now, I have chosen to go by the name of "Mary" in this blog.  So hi, my name is Mary.  I am currently 24 years old, and I am LDS (Latter-Day Saint/Mormon).  I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little kid; though I wasn't "diagnosed" with anything until later in elementary/middle school (which was when my parents finally took me to see someone about it.  I suspect had I gone earlier, I would have been diagnosed earlier.)  I also have anxiety, a mild to moderate obsessive compulsive disorder, and a number of other things.  Sometime around the age of 13 or 14 I began cutting myself as a way to handle life, depression, and everything else going on.  While I have gone through periods of "sobriety" (the longest being 2 years, usually it only lasts a few months, if that) I continue to struggle with hurting myself.  As the years went on, I turned to more and more ways than just cutting in order to hurt myself.  I have tried to end my life twice; once in high school and once just a couple of years ago, and continue to struggle with wanting to completely give up.

Besides these struggles, I am an active Mormon girl.  I work part time and I take classes online.  I spend my time at church activities, doing school work, and spending time with my amazing best friend "George" (name has been changed).

Why have I decided to write this blog? --- Well, in general, I hope to be able to reach out to others who may be struggling with similar things.  I know how lonely it can feel sometimes, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone; if there's a way that I can try to reach out to those people, I want to try.  I also hope to maybe be able to help others understand.  Depression can be hard, if not impossible to truly understand if you haven't dealt with it yourself, or with someone close to you; I hope to be able to help bring understanding to those who may not understand.  In regards to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, depression is being talked about a little bit more, but it still seems to go very much understand (and is the reason I left the church at one point, but that's for a different post), and things like self-harm and suicide don't seem to ever be talked about, it really makes you feel alone in the church, and ashamed that you struggle with such things when it seems like no one else does.  Well guess what, there are those who do, myself included.  You are not alone.

I plan to write about my story, different events and things that have happened, about my daily journey and the things I struggle with, but also the progress I make, the things I learn, and my journey or recovery through my struggle of self-harm.  As I get this blog up and running, I will be posting a page of resources that I have come across, both informational sites and also support sites with forums, chats, and hotlines to reach out to others.  Please, by all means, feel free to comment, ask questions, or email me.  If you need someone to reach out too or talk too, I want to be that person, please don't hesitate.