Rough Day/Night...

I've been having a really hard day and evening.  It's been a struggle to get out of bed and spend most of the day lying in bed sleeping or sobbing.  The urge to not give in and hurt myself has been incredibly hard to resist/fight.  Not only that, but the temptation to act on darker things on my mind has been very strong too.  Every once in awhile, I decide that it would be best to shut myself down; plaster a smile on my face, pretend everything is great and kind of shut people out.  The only person this really affects is my best friend, who gets frustrated when I shut him out, and also knows of the state of my mental mind and the decline that has been occurring, desire to hurt myself, desire to give up etc, so when I don't respond to texts and such, he gets worried :-/.  I don't intentionally do it...I just hit this state of mind where I feel like I'm just a burden and overwhelming people and so I feel like I need to shut down.  My friend made it clear to me today that if I am unresponsive to texts/messages or phone calls for an impractical period of time, he will come knocking on my door and if I ignore that, he will be calling the police...because he knows exactly where my mind is, what is in my past/what I'm capable of and what I want to do.  I appreciate that he cares and what's to do what's best...but I hate that I worry him or make him feel like he has to do those things; and so begins another cycle of wanting to shut down.

My friend also sent me a quote today that I usually try to hold on too in hard times, I really needed the reminded today-

"Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters - mental or emotional or physical or otherwise - do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are 'like a broken vessel,' as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed."  -Elder Holland

 I feel completely consumed my darkness; I do most of the time.  Every step and breath feel impossible.  It's like I'm trying to move through quicksand.  It's like I'm trying to breathe under water with thousands of pounds of bricks on my chest. It's also difficult to feel the Spirit when you struggle with depression, especially severe depression; so the times I need it most, I feel alone and deserted, even though I know "logically" that isn't the case.  I've been rereading some of my posts this week and my journal entries to remind myself some of the things I saw/learned in the scriptures this week...but right now, I'm blinded.  I can't see anything else except that "one way" out, and I'm desperate for it.  While I'm sure it doesn't make sense to most, one of the reasons why I resort to hurting myself, is because it gives me a tiny bit of relief, even if it's only for a few moments.  It gives me a relief long enough to be able to keep going and keep from acting on that "final thought" just a little bit longer.  Currently, the only thing keeping me from hurting myself is the fact that I'm writing this, and I know if I act out, my best friend will be incredibly disappointed and that I let him down and I hate that feeling so much.  And I hate the feeling that I've let down my Heavenly Father.  I've gone just over a week since I last slipped up, I really don't want to slip up again so soon.  (Or ever, but you know what I mean.)  Last time it happened, it was progress that there weren't multiple slips ups.  Usually when I slip up, I struggle for several days with several more slips up before I'm able to "get back on track" and get a few days of "sobriety".  *deep breathes*  I'm going to go back to working on crocheting an afghan.  I have found that while it doesn't necessarily keep my mind busy (so to speak), crocheting keeps my hands busy/distracted and keeps me from acting out for a bit.  Hopefully, eventually I'll manage to get to sleep tonight.

Goodnight everyone.  I hope I able to have a "good report" in the morning.