Rough Day/Night...

I've been having a really hard day and evening.  It's been a struggle to get out of bed and spend most of the day lying in bed sleeping or sobbing.  The urge to not give in and hurt myself has been incredibly hard to resist/fight.  Not only that, but the temptation to act on darker things on my mind has been very strong too.  Every once in awhile, I decide that it would be best to shut myself down; plaster a smile on my face, pretend everything is great and kind of shut people out.  The only person this really affects is my best friend, who gets frustrated when I shut him out, and also knows of the state of my mental mind and the decline that has been occurring, desire to hurt myself, desire to give up etc, so when I don't respond to texts and such, he gets worried :-/.  I don't intentionally do it...I just hit this state of mind where I feel like I'm just a burden and overwhelming people and so I feel like I need to shut down.  My friend made it clear to me today that if I am unresponsive to texts/messages or phone calls for an impractical period of time, he will come knocking on my door and if I ignore that, he will be calling the police...because he knows exactly where my mind is, what is in my past/what I'm capable of and what I want to do.  I appreciate that he cares and what's to do what's best...but I hate that I worry him or make him feel like he has to do those things; and so begins another cycle of wanting to shut down.

My friend also sent me a quote today that I usually try to hold on too in hard times, I really needed the reminded today-

"Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters - mental or emotional or physical or otherwise - do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are 'like a broken vessel,' as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed."  -Elder Holland

 I feel completely consumed my darkness; I do most of the time.  Every step and breath feel impossible.  It's like I'm trying to move through quicksand.  It's like I'm trying to breathe under water with thousands of pounds of bricks on my chest. It's also difficult to feel the Spirit when you struggle with depression, especially severe depression; so the times I need it most, I feel alone and deserted, even though I know "logically" that isn't the case.  I've been rereading some of my posts this week and my journal entries to remind myself some of the things I saw/learned in the scriptures this week...but right now, I'm blinded.  I can't see anything else except that "one way" out, and I'm desperate for it.  While I'm sure it doesn't make sense to most, one of the reasons why I resort to hurting myself, is because it gives me a tiny bit of relief, even if it's only for a few moments.  It gives me a relief long enough to be able to keep going and keep from acting on that "final thought" just a little bit longer.  Currently, the only thing keeping me from hurting myself is the fact that I'm writing this, and I know if I act out, my best friend will be incredibly disappointed and that I let him down and I hate that feeling so much.  And I hate the feeling that I've let down my Heavenly Father.  I've gone just over a week since I last slipped up, I really don't want to slip up again so soon.  (Or ever, but you know what I mean.)  Last time it happened, it was progress that there weren't multiple slips ups.  Usually when I slip up, I struggle for several days with several more slips up before I'm able to "get back on track" and get a few days of "sobriety".  *deep breathes*  I'm going to go back to working on crocheting an afghan.  I have found that while it doesn't necessarily keep my mind busy (so to speak), crocheting keeps my hands busy/distracted and keeps me from acting out for a bit.  Hopefully, eventually I'll manage to get to sleep tonight.

Goodnight everyone.  I hope I able to have a "good report" in the morning.

Introduction---My Story

Hello there.  For the sake of keeping myself anonymous for now, I have chosen to go by the name of "Mary" in this blog.  So hi, my name is Mary.  I am currently 24 years old, and I am LDS (Latter-Day Saint/Mormon).  I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little kid; though I wasn't "diagnosed" with anything until later in elementary/middle school (which was when my parents finally took me to see someone about it.  I suspect had I gone earlier, I would have been diagnosed earlier.)  I also have anxiety, a mild to moderate obsessive compulsive disorder, and a number of other things.  Sometime around the age of 13 or 14 I began cutting myself as a way to handle life, depression, and everything else going on.  While I have gone through periods of "sobriety" (the longest being 2 years, usually it only lasts a few months, if that) I continue to struggle with hurting myself.  As the years went on, I turned to more and more ways than just cutting in order to hurt myself.  I have tried to end my life twice; once in high school and once just a couple of years ago, and continue to struggle with wanting to completely give up.

Besides these struggles, I am an active Mormon girl.  I work part time and I take classes online.  I spend my time at church activities, doing school work, and spending time with my amazing best friend "George" (name has been changed).

Why have I decided to write this blog? --- Well, in general, I hope to be able to reach out to others who may be struggling with similar things.  I know how lonely it can feel sometimes, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone; if there's a way that I can try to reach out to those people, I want to try.  I also hope to maybe be able to help others understand.  Depression can be hard, if not impossible to truly understand if you haven't dealt with it yourself, or with someone close to you; I hope to be able to help bring understanding to those who may not understand.  In regards to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, depression is being talked about a little bit more, but it still seems to go very much understand (and is the reason I left the church at one point, but that's for a different post), and things like self-harm and suicide don't seem to ever be talked about, it really makes you feel alone in the church, and ashamed that you struggle with such things when it seems like no one else does.  Well guess what, there are those who do, myself included.  You are not alone.

I plan to write about my story, different events and things that have happened, about my daily journey and the things I struggle with, but also the progress I make, the things I learn, and my journey or recovery through my struggle of self-harm.  As I get this blog up and running, I will be posting a page of resources that I have come across, both informational sites and also support sites with forums, chats, and hotlines to reach out to others.  Please, by all means, feel free to comment, ask questions, or email me.  If you need someone to reach out too or talk too, I want to be that person, please don't hesitate.