It was MY race...and I crossed the finish line!

Well, Sunday morning was my 5k. My friend and I left town at 3am, we drove about 3 and half hours to get there. I had been preparing for this. I wasn't as prepared as I would have liked because of some recent struggles...but I felt confident I could at least cross the finish line. Until I got the starting line and saw the ENORMOUS hill in front of me, and no, that's not a metaphor. This course was incredibly challenging. In the first mile alone, probably about 3/4 of it was uphill, a steep, long hill. The rest of the course was incredibly hilly as well. Given who was "sponsoring" the race, I expected the course to be more encouraging. To be a course that those of all (most) fitness levels and beginners/first timers (such as myself) could manage. Even the friend I was with, an avid runner, said it was one of the most challenging courses he's ever traveled and there has been a lot of discussion from the other participants about how brutal it was.


I made it up about a quarter of the way the hill (or less) before I began having to rest every 10 or 20 feet. I quickly felt very sick and light headed/dizzy and like I was going to pass out and I began having to sit on the side of the road and rest for a few minutes pretty often. I wasn't even at the top of the hill when the first runners began making their way back down towards the finish line. As I progressed, while everyone else was on their way back to the finish line, they were cheering me on, high fiving me, making sure I was okay when I was resting, and stopped to pass along a water bottle. The sense of community and support really moved and inspired me. My friend continued to push me, encourage me to try not to rest, or push me farther before I did. He supported me and cheered me on. He would walk backwards in front of me so that I could look at him, he told me to only look at him, not to look beyond him, just focus on those few feet in front of me and listen to his voice. He was very soothing and calming, telling a story and encouraging me and helped calm my breathing when I was short of breath. After a very slow pace, and many many rests, I made it to mile 2. I still have several hills to get through before the finish line and I continued to feel sick and like I was going to pass out, I was legitimately worried about my health. During that rest, there happened to be one of the volunteers on a shuttle going by and stopped and asked if I was okay and if I needed a ride. I really wanted to finish the whole thing, but it was beyond my physical limits...but I didn't want to "give up". The volunteer suggested if he just shuttled me back to the top of that first hill (the huge one from the beginning) and I finish on foot and cross the finish line (going down that huge hill I climbed up at the start...there was still one smallish hill to overcome as you cross). So I took the compromise and was shuttled for somewhere between 1/2 and a 3/4 of a mile. I was the very last 5k finisher and it was probably the hardest physical thing I've ever done in my life...


But I crossed the finish line!!!


I received a medal and as I was recovering, lots of people walked me who remembered seeing me out there and stopped to congratulate me. (There was also a half marathon and and those runners were also included in the ones who cheered me on//congratulated me on and off the course). Had this been a less hilly course, things would have gone differently. In fact, at the end of the summer, I am planning (hoping) to do my own 5k, just so I can prove to myself I can, and feel better about this one. I checked the time at the end of the race, but I didn't share it with anyone because 1. It was a little embarrassing, there were the insane hills that I wasn't prepared for and I had to rest a lot, but more importantly 2. The time was never important. It was about finishing.


That night while lying in bed (and ever since then) there are two "voices" fighting in my head-


Voice 1- Proud, Accomplishment etc
"You crossed the finish line. You may have rested, a lot, and you may have "cheated" a portion of it...but you finished a MAJORITY of it, and even considering what you didn't do, you conquered that huge hill; that in and of itself is an accomplishment. I'm proud of myself."

Voice 2- Self loathing, worthless, failure
"You couldn't even do the whole course. You had to rest like every 10 feet, if that. You don't deserve any of the encouragement or congratulations that people have been giving you. Your parents are right. No wonder why they see you the way you do."

When I shared these things with my friend who was with me that day, he responded with this:
"You deserve every accolade voice #1 is giving you. As for voice #2, it has the power to tear your down or build you up. You get to decide. Many believed you'd NEVER attempt a 5K. You just walked one of the most challenging course that I.... have ever traversed! Do you want to know why voice #2 is so believable and overpowering? Because though it be a web of lies, there are a few sparse silken strands of truth in it. That is the great deception: to get you to accept the mess of lies because of one tiny truth. Did you complete all 3.1 miles of the course? No, but you completed ~2.4 miles of it. Did you rest every 10 feet? During some portions, other portions you kept going beyond that. Are your parents right? ... about what? not having the courage to cross the starting line? not having the humility to follow an encouraging, believing voice beyond your limitations? not having the resolve to start a marvelous journey of self-discovery and healing? Really, what exactly are.... they "right" about?
Do you deserve the encouragement and accolades? Maybe not for that portion that we were in the shuttle. But, a resounding YES for all the rest!
This was YOUR race. Not theirs. YOURS.
Your race was to get up that hill.
Your race was to get down the other side.
Your race was to walk that long stretch in the middle.
Your race was to walk up those hills around the course.
Your race was to pick your self back up time and time again, when the world was spinning and you were concerned it wouldn't stop.
Your race was to keep your breathing under control, pacing yourself, and keeping one foot in front of the next.
Your race was to press upon and break through your self-imposed mental limitations.
Your race was to accept the compromise to take the shuttle part way, as opposed to the rest of the way, and complete the last stretch on FOOT.
Your race was to cross that finish line and have that medal adorned upon your neck.
And that medal is symbolic of every sentence in this paragraph that begins with "your race." And that is what everyone was congratulating you for and encouraging you through out. Many saw themselves in you. They KNOW how difficult it was for you. It is something I can only imagine. But they KNOW. And because they know, your deserve their encouragement all the more."
(Boldness, sizing and separation of sentences done by me)


He then challenged me with this thought: "So what will voice #2 mean to you? A coercion to accept the tangle of lies and give up. Or an opportunity to extract the resolve of those small strands of truth to learn from the experience and grow from it. Metaphorically, you are in YOUR race through life. You've completed a most challenging stretch. You have available to you a patch of grass in the shade. You can stay there and forfeit the rest of your life's walk. Or you can rest up, resolve, get back to your feet and keep moving forward."


I mentioned last week the connections I saw between the 5k coming up and my trials and struggles. And now, I see them even more. Every time I rested on that course, I eventually got up again. I kept going. I keep falling down in my trials/struggles, I'm exhausted and frustrated and I want to quit. I need to keep getting back up on my feet and keep moving forward.

Aside from all this, tonight has been another difficult night. It was a night that I was in an unsafe position to be alone, but most of the people I reach out too are out of town, or were busy and couldn't hang out and couldn't really talk. So I was at home all night alone in very dark thoughts and desperate to let the darkness win. I prayed, sobbing and pleading with Heavenly Father just to take my life because it feels so unbearable. I prayed to be able to get a hold of somebody and not be alone when I felt unsafe. I still couldn't get a hold of anyone, and I feel incredibly alone right now. I want to feel the Spirit, I want to not feel so alone in these dark moments. The moments where I question my existence, when I want to give in to hurting myself, when I feel like everyone around me would be better off without me around. I've even considered going to the hospital...but there are many roadblocks and fears preventing me from doing so.

In these darkest moments, it's hard to see the things I work hard at holding on to. I'm blinded by the darkness. All I want is a way out and I can only see one way.

Thus far this evening, I've held strong, and I know that strength isn't mine at the moment. So even though I can't necessarily feel the Spirit at the moment, I know I'm being given some extra strength to make it through the night. Tomorrow is another day.

Alone in the Church?

I've been doing several posts over the past day or two, I'm just excited about this blog up and going and I want to reach out to people and there's a lot of things on my mind and what I want to say.

I appreciate that depression is being talked about in the church a little more often and is slowly becoming a little bit more understood.  I left the church once towards the end of high school for about 5 years or so; and it was because of my depression.  I was struggling a lot and no matter what I was doing, it didn't feel like anything was changing.  In addition to this, so many people in the church around me were making comments like "Well, if you were more worthy of the Spirit you wouldn't feel like that" and "You must have done something to cause it".  Clearly, they didn't know or understand anything depression, but I was in a vulnerable state and I began to believe those things and I got so frustrated that I left church.  Thankfully, I was able to finally find my way back and to be honest, I wouldn't trade the experience because it taught me a lot.  But there are still a lot of people who make those comments and a lot things that aren't understood; that depression is not about will power or happy thoughts etc etc.

But something else that is hard for me, is my struggle with self-harm.  That is NEVER talked about, I don't know or have heard about a single other church member who has struggled with something like this.  It's so hard not to feel completely alone in the church with struggle.  I mean, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I don't want anyone to know what this is like...but...I don't know.  I've known people outside of the church who have struggled with it, but it's not completely the same.  And other friends I have in the church can understand to a point because of their own struggles that have a few similar parallels.  I know I'm not alone, if no one else, I know the Lord knows what I'm dealing with, and I'm so grateful for the sacrifice He made for me...but there's also something different about knowing someone who knows what you're going through too.

This is why I wanted to start this blog.  To reach out to people who are struggling in general, who struggle with addictions in general, struggle with depression, and struggle with hurting themselves, especially church members but also non-members.  I pray that this can help someone in some way shape or form.  Please, if you ever want to reach out to me for any reason, don't hesitate to email me-  iwillovercomethistrial@gmail.com

Introduction---My Story

Hello there.  For the sake of keeping myself anonymous for now, I have chosen to go by the name of "Mary" in this blog.  So hi, my name is Mary.  I am currently 24 years old, and I am LDS (Latter-Day Saint/Mormon).  I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little kid; though I wasn't "diagnosed" with anything until later in elementary/middle school (which was when my parents finally took me to see someone about it.  I suspect had I gone earlier, I would have been diagnosed earlier.)  I also have anxiety, a mild to moderate obsessive compulsive disorder, and a number of other things.  Sometime around the age of 13 or 14 I began cutting myself as a way to handle life, depression, and everything else going on.  While I have gone through periods of "sobriety" (the longest being 2 years, usually it only lasts a few months, if that) I continue to struggle with hurting myself.  As the years went on, I turned to more and more ways than just cutting in order to hurt myself.  I have tried to end my life twice; once in high school and once just a couple of years ago, and continue to struggle with wanting to completely give up.

Besides these struggles, I am an active Mormon girl.  I work part time and I take classes online.  I spend my time at church activities, doing school work, and spending time with my amazing best friend "George" (name has been changed).

Why have I decided to write this blog? --- Well, in general, I hope to be able to reach out to others who may be struggling with similar things.  I know how lonely it can feel sometimes, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone; if there's a way that I can try to reach out to those people, I want to try.  I also hope to maybe be able to help others understand.  Depression can be hard, if not impossible to truly understand if you haven't dealt with it yourself, or with someone close to you; I hope to be able to help bring understanding to those who may not understand.  In regards to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, depression is being talked about a little bit more, but it still seems to go very much understand (and is the reason I left the church at one point, but that's for a different post), and things like self-harm and suicide don't seem to ever be talked about, it really makes you feel alone in the church, and ashamed that you struggle with such things when it seems like no one else does.  Well guess what, there are those who do, myself included.  You are not alone.

I plan to write about my story, different events and things that have happened, about my daily journey and the things I struggle with, but also the progress I make, the things I learn, and my journey or recovery through my struggle of self-harm.  As I get this blog up and running, I will be posting a page of resources that I have come across, both informational sites and also support sites with forums, chats, and hotlines to reach out to others.  Please, by all means, feel free to comment, ask questions, or email me.  If you need someone to reach out too or talk too, I want to be that person, please don't hesitate.