Therapy- I started therapy again last month. Because of some insurance things, for the time being, I'm really only able to meet with her once a month for a bit. So I had my first appointment back a few weeks ago, I choose to return to my old therapist. I decided this because therapy has always been a scary thing for me, and I felt I would be much more likely to jump back in if it was with someone I was comfortable with. I also decided this because she has/knows my past and I wouldn't have to go through the "intake" process again and have to relive through some painful things. (Though of course there are some things I still have to work through, but there's a difference between working through them to overcome them, and reliving them to tell someone about them AND working through them to overcome them.) I also figured that if it became apparent I needed to go somewhere else to get what I need, my therapist could give a more personal referral since she knows me and my past, than someone who was making a blind referral could.
Anyways, my first meeting back with her was a few weeks ago. We discussed some different things. We talked about why I was back, we talked about the issues I still have with self-harm, we talked about things that have changed since the last time I was there, we talked about the goals that I want to work on. And at the end of the appointment, we choose 2 things for me to work on for next time we meet. She mentioned that some of the things we talked about it, it seemed I had made some progress from the last time I had been there. Mostly in regards to my family. She pointed out that before, my view on the issues with my family were such that I wanted no contact because I couldn't bear to forgive them. I hated them and I couldn't accept the things they did/do to me and I didn't want to even try. This time when we met, I mentioned that I was on limited contact with them while I try to work through things. I mentioned that I wanted to work on how to move on from what they've done in the past, to accept that the way they are is just how they are and to learn how to handle things they say and do to me without letting it affect me. To her this was progress. She said that to go from hating them and not wanting to even try to forgive them, to wanting to be able to learn how to just not let them affect me and have some sort of relationship with them, even if it's somewhat limited.
Self-harm, Sobriety/Recovery- I'm working hard to try to focus on recovery. I work hard to acknowledge the places I'm in, to check in with my best friend on a daily basis and honestly express the difficulties I may be having, thoughts that are in my head. not bottle things up or shut down. I do my best to remain in a safe place, though I struggle greatly with that. I've been struggling with my scripture reading lately, but I'm doing my best. I'm days away from my 4 month "sobriety" mark. I'm trying to hold on to the "good" things about this- mainly the fact that every single day of those 4 months, I felt like I wasn't going to survive. I wanted to quit, I wanted to give in and I didn't care of anything I would feel or regret after the fact. However, every single day is harder than the day before. I feel like a dam that is ready to break. Every day when more stress is added, when I become more overwhelmed, I feel like I am closer and closer to that inevitable slip up/relapse. I don't want to feel that way, I don't want the thought that "slip ups are a part of recovery" to be an excuse/justification/self-fulfilled prophesy of sorts. There was a period of time I went 2 years without hurting myself, since the relapse that broke that period of sobriety, I have yet to come anywhere close to that again. In fact, 4 months (even the 3 months before that) is the longest I've gone in some time, I'm grateful for that, but it's an every day struggle and I know I can never be complacent about it, I have to continue to fight in order to be successful. I'm grateful for my best friend and the support he gives me, for the other friends I have by my side, whether they know the specific things going on or not, and I'm grateful for the strength I've received from my Savior and Heavenly Father because I know my own strength ran out some time ago, I know the strength I have now is not my own.
