It's taken a long time, but I really strive to reach out when I'm in a dark place. I have a few friends that I specifically reach out too. One of them knows 100% of everything. The others, each know a small different percentage depending on the situation/issue and my specific relationship with them. But it has taken a very long time to be able to open up and even longer for me to learn to actively reach out when I need too. But lately, reaching out just hurts so much. Everyone has been so busy and just about any attempt I make to reach out is unsuccessful. Now, let me be clear about something; I never expect every single person to be there for me 100% of the time. I don't expect responses to every "check in" text I send, I don't expect that every time I want some company that someone will be able to come over. But usually, I'm able to get a hold of at least one person, I'm able to exchange some texts. But lately, I really haven't been able to get a hold of anyone when I really need too. In fact, I haven't really been able to see/talk to any of my other friends lately either (ones who don't know as much about what's going on with me). It's lonely. And so lately, any time that I would normally try to reach out, I instead find myself shutting down. I'll start to type a text to send, and then change my mind because I know they're busy and I don't want to add on to their own stuff and I know they wouldn't be able to respond and it just seems pointless to worry about sending the text so I just don't. It just kind of hurts, it's lonely and it's like this awful, achy, gut feeling.
Even my prayers lately...I've just been feeling abandoned. I'm far from perfect with my prayers and scripture reading, but I really try my best to rely on them. But lately, it's been very difficult to feel the Spirit, especially when I need too, so it's hard not to feel like I'm completely alone, like even my Heavenly Father and Savior and abandoned me. I *know* that's not true, I really do. But right now, that's how it's been feeling. What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to do when all my attempts to reach out have failed and I'm left alone in my bedroom sobbing? And I just want someone to be able to text with (about anything) or a hug?
I guess I'm still figuring that out...
