Anyone else?

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, so I have been so completely exhausted.  I've also been trying to work out more and I've been helping a friend this week deep clean his apartment and move furniture getting ready for a new roommate.  So I've been at my emotional breaking point.  Those mental and emotional walls break down a lot easier when I'm tired, then add in all the physical labor, and it really breaks them down fast.  I've been slowly getting sick, which also makes me tired.  And my doctor changed my medicine dosage this week so I'm dealing with fun twists and turns from that.

And all of this makes it harder to fight the addiction.  Does anyone else notice that?  That being overly tired and/or being sick seems to basically just be a trigger in itself.  It's already hard to fight everything even when I'm fully functional and not tired.  But now all my energy and strength is gone and my shields and defenses are down.  I continue to fight as hard as I can, and I'm trying to consciously make the decision to keep fighting, but I just keep feeling like it's going to happen sooner or later, so why not just get it over with.  I know I shouldn't think like that, I keep trying to focus on how many days that I have felt like I wasn't going to survive but somehow managed to come out on the other side.  But right now, I just don't care.  I'm sitting at work (I work overnights at the front desk of a hotel) and I'm alone, I'm tired, I keep breaking down and I could really just use a hug right now.  I'm sick of this dark, scary place I'm in.  I want the darkness and this pain to go away, I want it to end and I feel desperate enough to do anything to make it happen. :-/  It sucks feeling like this.

Right now, I am dreading church today.  I don't feel good, I don't want to be around people, and I just don't want to go.  But I know I have too.  It's just exhausting.  See, I don't go home after I get off work at 7am.  I know if I do, I'll either fall asleep and sleep through my alarms, or I'll talk myself into not going to church.  So instead, I go straight to the church building when I get off work Sunday mornings.  I nap in my car until the Branch President shows up, then I go inside and nap in the foyer, or talk with his wife (who I'm kind of close too).  Church is at 11am so the earliest I get to go home to sleep is 2pm.  However, I often end up having dinner with my best friend and then we have ARP meeting in the evening so it's usually 8 or 9pm before I get to go home after working all night.  Even when I don't work Saturday nights, I still get up at 7 or 8am and get ready and go to the building because the longer I am awake and at home, the more time (and more likely it is) that I'll convince myself not to go and just hide in bed.  To me, this is a very big sacrifice, especially on mornings like this, and I hope by making church such a priority, that it shows the Lord I care, even if sometimes I really don't want to be there.

*Insert eerie music*

You know those parts in the movies when they start playing eerie/dooming music when something bad/crazy is about to happen?  I feel like that is playing in the background of my life right now.  Not just in regards to me, but also a close friend of mine.  Something has seemed off with them lately, they haven't seemed quite themselves and I feel like something is around the corner, not necessarily addiction related.  I just feel like something is up and they're not telling me.  It makes me worry about them.  Not to mention I feel like the dam in my own life is about ready to burst any moment.  *Insert dooming/eerie music*

On another note, I've been a bit frustrated lately.  There have been some comments from people the past few weeks that have made me feel like I need to start shutting myself down.  Most of the comments have been from people who just don't really understand depression and things, but some of the comments have been from some people who are close to me that are generally patient and caring.  While they haven't specifically expressed that they're frustrated with me, I can tell from their comments.  Today was a rough day in terms of trying to plaster a face on and by the time I got home tonight, I just crashed.  I ended up writing the following in some big freak out (I'm actually debating posting it on facebook, minus the more specific stuff I don't generally share with people (like about hurting myself and such).  So here's what I ended up with this evening-----



Just be happy.
Just smile.
Be more righteous.
Just choose to be happy.

Obviously it’s all my fault. It’s my fault I feel the way I do, and struggle the way I do. Because all I have to do to fix it is to just “be happy” and “smile”. It’s a choice. And because I struggle, it’s because I’ve CHOOSEN too. WHO IN THEIR FREAKIN RIGHT MIND WOULD CHOOSE THIS?!?!?!?! It’s awful. It’s overwhelming. It’s UNBEARABLE. Don’t you think if it were that freakin easy I would have just “chosen” to be happy by now? It’s like telling someone with cancer to just be healthy and cancer free. No one would ever say something like that to someone with cancer; but because people don’t understand depression, or because it’s not necessarily as much of a “physical” thing, they think telling someone to “just be happy” (aka “just be healthy”) will make it go away. If it were that easy, I WOULDN’T BE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!! I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!! Do you know how HARD it is to smile at all when your mind is consumed with how much you want to end your life, and how/when to do so?!?! I get it, it can be frustrating for the people around me. But believe me, all the frustration other people feel, I feel about 10x more frustrated. It’s become more and more obvious I just need to plaster on face when I’m outside my bedroom…it seems to be what would be best, before I frustrate the people around me so much that they’re out of my life, I’ve done that enough before. But doing so for more than hour is so physically and mentally exhausting. It takes everything I have to do so, and I’m already spending everything I have to not do things like hurt myself or end my life. It doesn’t make sense, and I don’t understand why, but it’s easier to fake it and plaster a face when I’m ‘actively’ hurting myself (not fighting it). I want to be happy. I don’t want to feel this way. I’m doing my best to get into an exercise routine/groove in order to help. I’m seeing a doctor, something I HATE, to try to help. I’m on medicine, which I also HATE, to try to help. I can’t stand all the darkness, it’s so unbearable and I’m desperate to end my life just to make it go away; and half the time, I don’t even know what the darkness is (nothing in particular has to be going on and it’s still this awful darkness.) Why would you think, if all I had to do was smile and be happy, that I would choose this instead? I’m doing the best I can, fighting things with everything I have in me, it’s hard and exhausting, but I’m still alive…that should count for something shouldn’t it? I don’t want to frustrate the people around me. It just seems easier to put up a face.

Soda Bottle

Most people don't understand the concept of physically hurting yourself.  One of the closest "comparisons" I've come up with is to a shaken soda bottle.  We've all had those times.  A soda bottle is severely shaken and ready to burst from pressure; even the slightest twist of the lid starts to relieve the pressure that has built up, the more you untwist, the more pressure is realized.  This is kind of like cutting/hurting yourself.  The slightest act of hurting yourself in some way, is like the slightest twist of the soda lid; it begins to relieve all the built up stress and pressure inside, no matter what is causing it.

I'm almost a month "clean" from hurting myself...but everyday is a huge struggle.  I feel like everything is just building up behind a faulty dam, and the longer I go without hurting myself, every drop of water gets closer to overflowing that dam.  Eventually it's going to flood and I'm going to snap.  I'm doing my best to fight everyday.

There's not really a whole lot more to update, just some random things on my mind.  I've been slacking on working my recovery and doing my scripture reading.  It's really hard to be motivated because often times, I don't notice a difference anyways, so I feel like, "why bother".  I need to get back on track and I intend too tonight.  Tomorrow will an exciting Sunday.  The area I live in has 2 family wards and 1 student branch (with both singles and young marrieds without kids).  Well, the family wards share a building, and the student branch has been meeting in the "Spiritual Center" on the university's campus for an incredibly long time now.  Last year (after many years of being "close" to it) they finally started construction on our own building and tomorrow is our first Sunday meeting in it, so we're all pretty excited.

If anyone feels like it, I could use some prayers that a potential job opportunity works out for me.  I've been working part time after getting my hours cut and for awhile it's been enough, but they're been cutting my hours more and more and my money/financial situation is not good at all.  I've been trying to find a new job for over a year and have had plenty of interviews, but nothing has worked out.  I've been working on a potential writing opportunity and I should know the beginning of the week what they decide.  If this works out, both time wise and money wise it would be perfect so I'm really hoping things go well.

Tender Mercies

I haven't been doing as well with scripture reading and "working" my recovery as much as I should be these days.  I could list some reasons why I've been busy but really, I just haven't been making time.  I haven't felt like, so I've been slacking.  This is the attitude I need to avoid.  It's hard enough to fight things as it is...if I slack off too much, it's going to get worse.

Anyways, I was doing some thinking today and my mind wandered to the topic of tender mercies.  Suffering with depression, feeling the spirit can often be difficult, especially in the darkest moments when I need it most.  But I do have things/people/events in my life that remind me that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is aware of me.  There have been things like texts from my best friend just at the right moment, an email from a friend who's away for the summer that simply says "I was just thinking about you.  Love ya!", etc etc etc.  The #1 thing that serves as a reminder to me is my friendship with my best friend.  The manner in how we became friends is a little random, but looking back at our friendship, it is obvious that Heavenly Father placed us in each other's lives right when we needed each other the most, and were able to be there for each other in a way that no one else could have.  Looking back at some events in my life that happened that caused me to be in this location at this time, have always frustrated me in the past...but it has become beyond obvious there was a reason why going to school in Florida didn't happen like I had dreamt, why my attempts to come back to church weren't successful before my attempt in summer 2010 finally was.  The friendship is constantly a source of tender mercies to me.  I can feel the love and care my best friend has for me, and at times, I can even feel the love my Savior and Heavenly Father have for me through him as well (if that makes sense?).

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance."  -1 Nephi 1:20

To go along with that scripture, and one of my favorite quotes about tender mercies, from Elder David A Bednar:

"The Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strengths, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindness, consolation, support and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. . . .The Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.  Faithfulness, obedience and humility invite tender mercies into our lives and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings."

Some time ago, I began writing down tender mercies I witnessed in my life in my journal. I then also use those little post it tags to mark the pages where I recorded a tender mercy, so anytime I need reminding, I can easily turn to a page and be reminded of the things in my life.  I strongly encourage others to do this.  It has been such a great blessing in my life to do so; not just record them, but mark them so you can easily find them.  I urge you to give it a try.  <3