Soda Bottle

Most people don't understand the concept of physically hurting yourself.  One of the closest "comparisons" I've come up with is to a shaken soda bottle.  We've all had those times.  A soda bottle is severely shaken and ready to burst from pressure; even the slightest twist of the lid starts to relieve the pressure that has built up, the more you untwist, the more pressure is realized.  This is kind of like cutting/hurting yourself.  The slightest act of hurting yourself in some way, is like the slightest twist of the soda lid; it begins to relieve all the built up stress and pressure inside, no matter what is causing it.

I'm almost a month "clean" from hurting myself...but everyday is a huge struggle.  I feel like everything is just building up behind a faulty dam, and the longer I go without hurting myself, every drop of water gets closer to overflowing that dam.  Eventually it's going to flood and I'm going to snap.  I'm doing my best to fight everyday.

There's not really a whole lot more to update, just some random things on my mind.  I've been slacking on working my recovery and doing my scripture reading.  It's really hard to be motivated because often times, I don't notice a difference anyways, so I feel like, "why bother".  I need to get back on track and I intend too tonight.  Tomorrow will an exciting Sunday.  The area I live in has 2 family wards and 1 student branch (with both singles and young marrieds without kids).  Well, the family wards share a building, and the student branch has been meeting in the "Spiritual Center" on the university's campus for an incredibly long time now.  Last year (after many years of being "close" to it) they finally started construction on our own building and tomorrow is our first Sunday meeting in it, so we're all pretty excited.

If anyone feels like it, I could use some prayers that a potential job opportunity works out for me.  I've been working part time after getting my hours cut and for awhile it's been enough, but they're been cutting my hours more and more and my money/financial situation is not good at all.  I've been trying to find a new job for over a year and have had plenty of interviews, but nothing has worked out.  I've been working on a potential writing opportunity and I should know the beginning of the week what they decide.  If this works out, both time wise and money wise it would be perfect so I'm really hoping things go well.

Tender Mercies

I haven't been doing as well with scripture reading and "working" my recovery as much as I should be these days.  I could list some reasons why I've been busy but really, I just haven't been making time.  I haven't felt like, so I've been slacking.  This is the attitude I need to avoid.  It's hard enough to fight things as it is...if I slack off too much, it's going to get worse.

Anyways, I was doing some thinking today and my mind wandered to the topic of tender mercies.  Suffering with depression, feeling the spirit can often be difficult, especially in the darkest moments when I need it most.  But I do have things/people/events in my life that remind me that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is aware of me.  There have been things like texts from my best friend just at the right moment, an email from a friend who's away for the summer that simply says "I was just thinking about you.  Love ya!", etc etc etc.  The #1 thing that serves as a reminder to me is my friendship with my best friend.  The manner in how we became friends is a little random, but looking back at our friendship, it is obvious that Heavenly Father placed us in each other's lives right when we needed each other the most, and were able to be there for each other in a way that no one else could have.  Looking back at some events in my life that happened that caused me to be in this location at this time, have always frustrated me in the past...but it has become beyond obvious there was a reason why going to school in Florida didn't happen like I had dreamt, why my attempts to come back to church weren't successful before my attempt in summer 2010 finally was.  The friendship is constantly a source of tender mercies to me.  I can feel the love and care my best friend has for me, and at times, I can even feel the love my Savior and Heavenly Father have for me through him as well (if that makes sense?).

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance."  -1 Nephi 1:20

To go along with that scripture, and one of my favorite quotes about tender mercies, from Elder David A Bednar:

"The Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strengths, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindness, consolation, support and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. . . .The Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.  Faithfulness, obedience and humility invite tender mercies into our lives and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings."

Some time ago, I began writing down tender mercies I witnessed in my life in my journal. I then also use those little post it tags to mark the pages where I recorded a tender mercy, so anytime I need reminding, I can easily turn to a page and be reminded of the things in my life.  I strongly encourage others to do this.  It has been such a great blessing in my life to do so; not just record them, but mark them so you can easily find them.  I urge you to give it a try.  <3

Commit!

I have a very close friend who knows everything about me and my struggles, and one of the things he likes to say all the time, is "Commit!"  He asks me to make promises and commitments all the time. This is helpful for several reasons, first of all, being accountable only to myself, and only making myself promises, doesn't do much for me.  I don't keep promises made to myself very often because I figure, "Who cares?", I need someone to be accountable to.  In addition, it helps me to make the promises and commitments I need to make to my Heavenly Father.  I struggle with that aspect of it, and I'm not quite sure why yet, it's something to explore.

Anyways, there's a reason why I've brought up the idea of commitment.  There have been a couple times where I begin to feel like giving in is inevitable; that it is going to happen no matter what, so why bother fighting it?  Why not just give in and 'get it over with'?  I hated feeling that way because logically I knew it wasn't inevitable, I didn't HAVE to give in...so why did it feel like it was impossible to avoid?  It was because I had already made the decision!  I felt like I had no choice in fighting it, because I already made the choice to give in.  When I brought up this concept to my friend, he said something along the lines of "then don't decide, COMMIT! Commit that you won't hurt yourself."  He's right, I need to stop making the decision beforehand; stop feeling like giving in isn't inevitable.  It's not!

COMMIT!

Step 1: Honesty

I had a slip up last week, after going 3 weeks without hurting myself.  But I'm doing my best to pick myself up and move on.  I've been spending time on starting at the beginning of the Addiction Recovery Program with some focus on myself and my addictions.  I've also been spending time starting over at the beginning of The Book of Mormon and focusing on truly understanding the scriptures and applying them to me.  Thus far, it's gone well.

First of all, Step 1 in the Addiction Recovery Program is Honesty; to admit that we are powerless over our addictions and that our lives have become unmanageable.  I've slowly come to fully realize the truth behind this.  My life truly has become unmanageable and I am completely powerless over my addiction to hurting myself and over my struggle/addiction with food.  It's taken me a long time to get to this point of admitting it...and to be honest, I don't want to admit it.  The pride in me still wants to think "it's not that bad", "you can overcome this on your own."  Guess what?  No!  I can't.  I can't get over this on my own.  I've been hurting myself for 10 years and I continue to slide downwards and now it's the only way I know how to deal with things.  It is far beyond my ability to overcome this on my own.

This concept played in well with beginning my study again of The Book of Mormon.  Nephi's father Lehi was commanded in a dream that he was to depart from Jerusalem and take his family into the wilderness.  They left their gold, silver and precious things behind; taking only provisions and tents.  The Lord asked him to leave everything behind and Lehi did as he was commanded.  What if the Lord asked me to leave everything behind and depart somewhere?  Would I be able to or be as willing to do so?  It's a scary thing to think about...but it's something that I can relate too (as I suspect many others can too).  Isn't the Lord asking us to leave worldy things behind?  To be in the world but not of the world?  How many of us are able to do so?  Isn't He also asking us to leave behind our addictions?  To depart from the world of addiction, rely on the Lord and other resources and journey to new and better place.  Unfortunately, not many of us are as willing as Lehi was to leave everything behind.  It's hard to do, and just as Lehi had to rely on the Lord during his journey, so do we.

After Lehi and his family journeyed into the wilderness, he was commanded to send Nephi, Sam, Laman and Lemuel back to Jerusalam to get the brass plates from Laban.  As I was reading, I begin to wonder what the "Laban" 's were in my life.  My depression, and my addiction.  Nephi and his brothers made a couple attempts to try to get the plates from Laban, all unsuccessful.  They tried to ask for them, and they tried to buy them/bribe him for them.  Neither of these attempts worked.  I can't ask my depression/addiction away.  I can't "buy" it or "bribe" it away.  When they were ready to give up. Nephi was visited by an angel and told him to go to Jerusalem again, that the Lord would deliver Laban unto them.  When Laman and Lemuel began to murmur, they asked an important question:  "Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?"  Why not us?  Depression/Addiction can destroy lives, it can destroy us...but why not me?  Why not you?  Because we can make God our partner.

"Nephi made God his partner. If he failed to get the plates, it meant God had failed.  And because God does not fail, it was incumbent upon Nephi to get the plates or lay down his life in the attempt."  -Elder Bruce R McConkie

When we make God our partner, we can face those things in our lives.  God didn't sent us here to fail; God doesn't fail.   " . . .let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; for behold he is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than Laban and his fifty, yea, or even than his tens of thousands?"  (1 Nephi 4:1)  The Lord is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than my depression, why not mightier than my addiction to hurting myself?  The Lord is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than [insert your struggle here]?  The Lord can deliver us.

I need to do a better job at making the Lord my partner, relying on him more as I make this journey to a new and better land.