New Blog

I am no longer using this blog.  I kind of got out of the habit of writing here, and recently I was strong impressed to create a blog that wasn't anonymous and that I would share with the people I know.  So I now have a fully public blog (terrifying!) and I (hesitantly) share each post with those I know on facebook.  If you would like to check it out, here is the link:

www.mymentalhealthmatters.blogspot.com

Thanks for all support I've received on this blog.  <3  I love all of you <3

Reaching out hurts so much lately

It's taken a long time, but I really strive to reach out when I'm in a dark place.  I have a few friends that I specifically reach out too.  One of them knows 100% of everything.  The others, each know a small different percentage depending on the situation/issue and my specific relationship with them.  But it has taken a very long time to be able to open up and even longer for me to learn to actively reach out when I need too.  But lately, reaching out just hurts so much.  Everyone has been so busy and just about any attempt I make to reach out is unsuccessful.  Now, let me be clear about something; I never expect every single person to be there for me 100% of the time.  I don't expect responses to every "check in" text I send, I don't expect that every time I want some company that someone will be able to come over.  But usually, I'm able to get a hold of at least one person, I'm able to exchange some texts.  But lately, I really haven't been able to get a hold of anyone when I really need too.  In fact, I haven't really been able to see/talk to any of my other friends lately either (ones who don't know as much about what's going on with me).  It's lonely.  And so lately, any time that I would normally try to reach out, I instead find myself shutting down.  I'll start to type a text to send, and then change my mind because I know they're busy and I don't want to add on to their own stuff and I know they wouldn't be able to respond and it just seems pointless to worry about sending the text so I just don't.  It just kind of hurts, it's lonely and it's like this awful, achy, gut feeling.

Even my prayers lately...I've just been feeling abandoned.  I'm far from perfect with my prayers and scripture reading, but I really try my best to rely on them.  But lately, it's been very difficult to feel the Spirit, especially when I need too, so it's hard not to feel like I'm completely alone, like even my Heavenly Father and Savior and abandoned me.  I *know* that's not true, I really do.  But right now, that's how it's been feeling.  What am I supposed to do now?  What am I supposed to do when all my attempts to reach out have failed and I'm left alone in my bedroom sobbing?  And I just want someone to be able to text with (about anything) or a hug?

I guess I'm still figuring that out...

World of Darkness

I've been away from the blogging world for awhile, and I've noticed that in addition to not writing on here as much, I haven't written in my journal as much either (I've kind of used the blog as a warm up for my more personal/extensive writing).  So I figured it's time to blog a little bit, even though I don't really feel like I have anything important to say, or even positive; things have actually been pretty dark recently.

One thing in particular I've been struggling with, is this deep, gut, achy feeling of loneliness.  It's terrible.  Don't get me wrong, I "know" I'm not alone...but it doesn't change that I feel that way.  I feel like I've been abandoned, even by my Savior and Heavenly Father.  Again, I know this isn't the case, but one of the affects depression has on me is the ability to feel the Spirit.  So when I need to feel it most, I can't...and it really affects me and how I'm feeling.  Things have been very dark, very overwhelming, and I've been struggling to fight.

As "lame" as it may be, crocheting has become a huge help in trying to hold on.  It helps me keep my hands busy when I want to hurt myself, or when things are so dark I want to end my life.  I'm only a beginner, but the things I've worked on so far haven't turned out so bad, which has also helped build some confidence (something I have very very little of) and it's something I'm proud of and I'm very grateful that I was able to discover this ability.  I've made an afghan for my best friend, a scarf, and I've been working on little baby beanies to donate to the hospital for newborns (I've made about 10 so far).  In addition to continuing with the baby beanies, I'm also currently working on another scarf and another afghan for myself.  It has helped on my darkest nights to allow me to hold on for just a little while longer...even though every fiber of my being wants to give up, quit fighting, and end everything.

Afghan for my best friend

Scarf I made with Green Bay Packers colored yarn I got as a secret santa gift at work (I LOVE the GB Packers)

One of the pink beanies

A couple blue beanies