So what now?

I guess it's time to take another step towards getting healthy.  After basically being thrown in the deep end of the pool today, I will be resuming therapy.

I've done therapy off and on for many years.  I saw someone when I was younger, but I felt I wasn't getting anything from him.  I felt that he wasn't addressing my needs.  My parents wouldn't listen to me though (though the act of making me go see someone may seem caring, it's hard to see that that's what they were doing, especially when I went to them with my concerns and they wouldn't listen.)  So instead, I started to go to therapy and I lied.  I told him everything was great, and hid anything going on.  Eventually, he told my parents that I didn't need to see him anymore.  He basically scarred my experience of therapy and I REFUSED to try again for a very long time.  It wasn't until 2009 (probably about 10 years later) that I finally made the choice to try to go back to therapy.  I really liked the therapist I found and found things helpful.  But then my insurance was changing, and she was no longer covered and I couldn't afford to keep her without the insurance.  At the same time, I had a severe cut in hours and couldn't afford the copays to go anywhere else, so I made the decision to stop.  Just before all this had happened, I felt like I had hit a plateau with her anyways; I'm not sure if it was because of my own road blocks or because I had gotten everything I could from her.  Going back to therapy has been on my mind a little bit but financially, I can't even afford to pay all my bills without help, I know I wouldn't be able to cover paying for all of that.

But then I had a conversation with a friend today, and he expressed a lot of concerns, both about me and also himself.  He's noticed how bad of a place I'm in.  He sees me sliding down a very slippery slope and he's concerned about me.  He thinks I really need to do this.  He also expressed concern about himself.  He has learned that he struggles with this complex/need to be able to fix everything; so when someone comes to him, he feels the need to fix everything and lately he has felt like he's replaced a trained/qualified resource.  I have never expected, or wanted, him to fix everything, and I never intended for him to feel like I use him as a replacement for someone qualified, all I've ever wanted is a friend, and he knows this.  I told him I'd be careful with what I open up about but he said that wasn't it.  This is just something he knows about himself and needs to be careful for his well being.  He still wants to be the supportive friend and wants me to open up to him, he just feels strongly that it's time to try therapy again...

So between my own thoughts, and his concerns, and even the support from my branch president, I'm going to go back to therapy.  I talked with my branch president about getting help financially and he said of course he's willing to help.  So here were go again.

Now it's time to make decisions.  Do I go back to my old therapist?  Or do I go elsewhere?  I think I've decided that at least to start, I'm going to go back to my old therapist.  I'm comfortable with her, she's treated me before and I wouldn't necessarily have to go through everything again.  If it becomes apparent that I have gotten all I can get from her, then she'll be able to give me a more personal referral than someone who doesn't know me/my history.  I was thinking about WHY it felt like I hit a plateau with her before, and I think it's because I didn't know what I wanted.  So this time, I'm going to walk in there with clear goals of things I want to learn/accomplish and overcome.  I'm terrified...but I know I need to try this again.

I'm too terrified to post this on Facebook, so I'm posting it here...

As most, if not all of you know, Robin Williams took his life this week.  This has hit me, HARD.  Let me explain something; I have a hard time hearing about stories of those who have taken their life, or those who have attempted.  This is not because I'm cold and heartless or because I don't care; it's because they're very triggering for me.  Those stories are real for me, the feelings those people feel are so real and raw for me.  It reminds me of the two attempts I have in my past.  It reminds me of the constant thoughts of taking my life that consume my entire being.  (Though, just to be clear, this is not the case if someone were to come to me and say they were feeling that way and asking for help.  I would instantly be there for them and talk to them and try to get them the help they need).

So Monday night I get on facebook and instantly my news feed is filled with stories about Robin Williams death, in addition to other articles/stories about depression and suicide.  Instant trigger.  But what was more than that, was the CRUEL and AWFUL comments everyone was making.  Not just on the article comments themselves, but also the posts and remarks from people in my own life.  It felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.  I know depression is wildly misunderstood, but these comments were so far beyond that, they were just flat out judgmental, cruel, and nasty.  I know none of those comments were directed at me personally, but as I was reading them, it felt like they were.  It made me HATE myself (even more than I already do).  It made me angry and frustrated and hate myself because this "depression is a choice" and because I can't just "think happy" or "snap out of it"  (I posted an entry a little while ago related to this aspect).

There were a couple comments that seemed to be repeated that really bothered me more than others.  But one of them was a comment someone allegedly made on their blog.  I saw a headline regarding The Matt Walsh blog or whatever (I don't read this blog but I know it's pretty popular???) and a comment he made saying that suicide was a choice.  That just really hurt.  He doesn't get it.  Depression is a DISEASE, it's an ILLNESS.  There are things going on, things that are wrong with your brain that keep you from being able to function properly.  Telling people with depression to just be happy or snap out of it, is like telling someone with cancer to just be healthy, just snap out of it and make the cancer go away.  It doesn't work that way.  Fighting cancer, getting treatment, hanging on to life is exhausting; and so it is with depression.  But the normal healthy person can't fully understand unless they've had cancer, unless they've had depression (or someone very close to them has).  To the normal healthy person, suicide may seem like a choice.  But just as someone dying from cancer isn't a choice, to a very depressed person, suicide isn't a choice either.  When you have depression, you are so exhausted from fighting for your life, the depression consumes your mind, your entire being.  It is an illness!  Your brain is being affected and you're not in the right state of mind, suicide begins to feel like the only choice, like the only way out and you can't see anything else.  You don't necessarily want to die, but it appears to be the only option.  What else are you supposed to do?  The depression takes over everything and you feel like you're no longer in control.  I've had two suicide attempts, those nights, suicide did not feel like a choice, it felt like the only way.  Somehow, the depression lifted by just a tiny milimeter and I was able to realize what was happening and stop and call someone for help.  But if it hadn't lifted, I probably would not have survived.  I continue to fight DAILY thoughts and desires to end my life.  A couple of people know this and I'm grateful that those who do, know me well enough to realize when I'm sliding down that slope and help pull me up and keep me safe when I don't realize that's where I was headed.

There is also a quote I found some time ago that seems to explain it fairly well-

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” -David Foster Wallace

I don't know if much of this made sense, I just wish people could understand some more about depression.  It's hurtful and frustrating to hear people say these awful things when they have no idea what they're talking about.  I really wanted to be able to post this on my own facebook page, sharing my experience, but I'm just not ready to do that.  While many people know I suffer from depression, or am "having a very hard time right now", not many know of my self-harm, suicide attempts or current suicidal feelings and I'm not ready yet to just put it out there.  I hope people begin to realize what they're saying at that maybe they should back off and realize that they have no idea what someone may have been/is dealing with or experiencing or feeling.  Please don't automatically judge those, people have compassion, people realize the truly awful place they must have been in to end their life, no matter how selfish it may seem.  For people to want to end their life, and then to act on it...they're in a very dark place.  Please just try to be a friend who loves and if you know someone who is depressed or suicidal, be there for them.  I don't mean to take it on by yourself, that's not good or fair for either one of you.  But help them reach out to the professional help they made need, tell them you love them and value them.  Help them get out of their house, take them a meal, text/call them to tell them you're thinking of them.  It doesn't have to be a big gesture, believe me, even the small things help.  Please watch out for your own well being.  If you don't feel your well being is safe (especially if you yourself struggle with those things and it triggers or causes you more distress), explain to them that it's a bit much for you to handle at the moment, tell them you're sorry, that you love them and then call someone else who would be able to help them and be there for them.

Feeling Alone

(Just a heads up, this is probably a very "Debbie Downer" kind of post.  Sorry)

I've been feeling incredibly alone lately.  Almost more so than ever before.  It seems like everyone is busy and away lately.  Don't get me wrong, I understand.  People have lives, I don't expect every single person to be there for me every second of the day, I don't expect anyone at all to be there for me every second.  There has also been plenty of times I haven't been alone; but lately, things have been very dark and scary for me, I've been feeling awful and not only am I alone a lot, but those times seem to be 100x more intense than usual.  It's especially bad at night (maybe because I expect to be alone during the day).  I work an overnight job (which really doesn't help things at all) and I'm only working 1 or 2 nights a week.  I haven't been able to get more hours and I haven't had any luck getting a new job.  Not too long ago, I was hanging out with my best friend 4-5 evenings a week.  Even nights with church activities, we'd meet up for a couple hours beforehand, have dinner, relax etc; and then we'd hang out for an hour or two after said activity.  But recently, his schedule has changed, he's had to take on some more obligations and because of it, his sleep schedule is also different.  I completely understand all of this, but it SUCKS.  Now, most of the time, the only hang out time I get with him, is like an hour before a church activity (twice a week) to have dinner, just "being" with him during church or church activity and that's about it.  I don't even get to talk to him as much anymore.  It was a pretty sudden change and it really sucks.  I miss him :-(  He recently had car trouble and so I helped him out with some stuff and even though the circumstances weren't ideal (for him)  I was grateful for the extra time I had with him.  My roommate has been busy with her boyfriend in the evenings, and while I've seen her a few times this week and got to hang out one night, she's still gone most of the time.  Two of my friends in the branch that I've been close to over the past 4 years (who got married about 2 years ago) are moving out of the state in about a week.  Other friends have been out of the area for the summer or just busy with other things.  It just sucks big time and most nights I end up curled up in a ball on my bed sobbing feeling alone.

My prayers have been very desperate lately.  Pleading to not feel lonely, to feel some sort of comfort.  Pleading for the darkness to go away, even just for a short time (some relief is better than no relief).  But I feel like nothing is happening.  Well, I suppose I shouldn't say that exactly.  The fact that I've still been able to fight (no matter how much I don't want too) against my addiction, or even just to not end my life, can only be because of my Heavenly Father and Savior.  My strength and energy wore out a long time ago, whatever I have now, is not my own.  I recognize and acknowledge that, and I'm grateful for that.  But I still have this achy lonely feeling and it sucks that in my darkest moments of depression, when I need to really feel the Spirit the most, I can't.  Can I just say something?  Depressions SUCKS!!!!  It is awful and agonizing and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  When I came back to church about 4 years ago, I started reading a lot of books regarding depression and the church and trying to understand things and everything and I'm really trying to understand the things, like the difficulty to feel the Spirit because of depression is a very real thing and it's so hard because when I'm in the darkest point of despair, drowning in my mind in desires to end my life, when I need the Spirit the MOST, I can't always feel it...it's those nights that I end up in bed, curled up in a ball sobbing pleading with Heavenly Father just to take my life because the darkness is so unbearable.

I have been struggling so much just to function or stand up on my own two feet.  Struggling to wake up in the mornings, to take care of myself, to shower or eat, to not lie in bed all day, to try to workout, to do my school work, to go to church activities etc etc etc.  I'm just in this rut and I'm trying to pull myself out and it's not working.  My arms are flailing around for a life preserver because I know there's supposed to be one there (the Lord) but I can't seem to find it.

I really just want to be done.  I want to be happy, I don't want to darkness of this depression anymore, but I feel hopeless.  It feels like it's never going to change.  My medicine isn't doing any good, I can't do much more in terms of doctors/therapy because I don't have the money/financial grounding for it, but I can't find a new job or get more hours at work (not that I'd be able to handle much more, even a couple of nights is hard for me, but mostly because of the overnight aspect and the environment there).  I can't just "think happy thoughts" and the whole thing is just much more frustrating than I'm able to express at the moment.

Sorry for the downer kind of post.  I just needed to try to get something out try to find a place where maybe I wouldn't feel quite as alone.