I'm too terrified to post this on Facebook, so I'm posting it here...

As most, if not all of you know, Robin Williams took his life this week.  This has hit me, HARD.  Let me explain something; I have a hard time hearing about stories of those who have taken their life, or those who have attempted.  This is not because I'm cold and heartless or because I don't care; it's because they're very triggering for me.  Those stories are real for me, the feelings those people feel are so real and raw for me.  It reminds me of the two attempts I have in my past.  It reminds me of the constant thoughts of taking my life that consume my entire being.  (Though, just to be clear, this is not the case if someone were to come to me and say they were feeling that way and asking for help.  I would instantly be there for them and talk to them and try to get them the help they need).

So Monday night I get on facebook and instantly my news feed is filled with stories about Robin Williams death, in addition to other articles/stories about depression and suicide.  Instant trigger.  But what was more than that, was the CRUEL and AWFUL comments everyone was making.  Not just on the article comments themselves, but also the posts and remarks from people in my own life.  It felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.  I know depression is wildly misunderstood, but these comments were so far beyond that, they were just flat out judgmental, cruel, and nasty.  I know none of those comments were directed at me personally, but as I was reading them, it felt like they were.  It made me HATE myself (even more than I already do).  It made me angry and frustrated and hate myself because this "depression is a choice" and because I can't just "think happy" or "snap out of it"  (I posted an entry a little while ago related to this aspect).

There were a couple comments that seemed to be repeated that really bothered me more than others.  But one of them was a comment someone allegedly made on their blog.  I saw a headline regarding The Matt Walsh blog or whatever (I don't read this blog but I know it's pretty popular???) and a comment he made saying that suicide was a choice.  That just really hurt.  He doesn't get it.  Depression is a DISEASE, it's an ILLNESS.  There are things going on, things that are wrong with your brain that keep you from being able to function properly.  Telling people with depression to just be happy or snap out of it, is like telling someone with cancer to just be healthy, just snap out of it and make the cancer go away.  It doesn't work that way.  Fighting cancer, getting treatment, hanging on to life is exhausting; and so it is with depression.  But the normal healthy person can't fully understand unless they've had cancer, unless they've had depression (or someone very close to them has).  To the normal healthy person, suicide may seem like a choice.  But just as someone dying from cancer isn't a choice, to a very depressed person, suicide isn't a choice either.  When you have depression, you are so exhausted from fighting for your life, the depression consumes your mind, your entire being.  It is an illness!  Your brain is being affected and you're not in the right state of mind, suicide begins to feel like the only choice, like the only way out and you can't see anything else.  You don't necessarily want to die, but it appears to be the only option.  What else are you supposed to do?  The depression takes over everything and you feel like you're no longer in control.  I've had two suicide attempts, those nights, suicide did not feel like a choice, it felt like the only way.  Somehow, the depression lifted by just a tiny milimeter and I was able to realize what was happening and stop and call someone for help.  But if it hadn't lifted, I probably would not have survived.  I continue to fight DAILY thoughts and desires to end my life.  A couple of people know this and I'm grateful that those who do, know me well enough to realize when I'm sliding down that slope and help pull me up and keep me safe when I don't realize that's where I was headed.

There is also a quote I found some time ago that seems to explain it fairly well-

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” -David Foster Wallace

I don't know if much of this made sense, I just wish people could understand some more about depression.  It's hurtful and frustrating to hear people say these awful things when they have no idea what they're talking about.  I really wanted to be able to post this on my own facebook page, sharing my experience, but I'm just not ready to do that.  While many people know I suffer from depression, or am "having a very hard time right now", not many know of my self-harm, suicide attempts or current suicidal feelings and I'm not ready yet to just put it out there.  I hope people begin to realize what they're saying at that maybe they should back off and realize that they have no idea what someone may have been/is dealing with or experiencing or feeling.  Please don't automatically judge those, people have compassion, people realize the truly awful place they must have been in to end their life, no matter how selfish it may seem.  For people to want to end their life, and then to act on it...they're in a very dark place.  Please just try to be a friend who loves and if you know someone who is depressed or suicidal, be there for them.  I don't mean to take it on by yourself, that's not good or fair for either one of you.  But help them reach out to the professional help they made need, tell them you love them and value them.  Help them get out of their house, take them a meal, text/call them to tell them you're thinking of them.  It doesn't have to be a big gesture, believe me, even the small things help.  Please watch out for your own well being.  If you don't feel your well being is safe (especially if you yourself struggle with those things and it triggers or causes you more distress), explain to them that it's a bit much for you to handle at the moment, tell them you're sorry, that you love them and then call someone else who would be able to help them and be there for them.