So what now?

I guess it's time to take another step towards getting healthy.  After basically being thrown in the deep end of the pool today, I will be resuming therapy.

I've done therapy off and on for many years.  I saw someone when I was younger, but I felt I wasn't getting anything from him.  I felt that he wasn't addressing my needs.  My parents wouldn't listen to me though (though the act of making me go see someone may seem caring, it's hard to see that that's what they were doing, especially when I went to them with my concerns and they wouldn't listen.)  So instead, I started to go to therapy and I lied.  I told him everything was great, and hid anything going on.  Eventually, he told my parents that I didn't need to see him anymore.  He basically scarred my experience of therapy and I REFUSED to try again for a very long time.  It wasn't until 2009 (probably about 10 years later) that I finally made the choice to try to go back to therapy.  I really liked the therapist I found and found things helpful.  But then my insurance was changing, and she was no longer covered and I couldn't afford to keep her without the insurance.  At the same time, I had a severe cut in hours and couldn't afford the copays to go anywhere else, so I made the decision to stop.  Just before all this had happened, I felt like I had hit a plateau with her anyways; I'm not sure if it was because of my own road blocks or because I had gotten everything I could from her.  Going back to therapy has been on my mind a little bit but financially, I can't even afford to pay all my bills without help, I know I wouldn't be able to cover paying for all of that.

But then I had a conversation with a friend today, and he expressed a lot of concerns, both about me and also himself.  He's noticed how bad of a place I'm in.  He sees me sliding down a very slippery slope and he's concerned about me.  He thinks I really need to do this.  He also expressed concern about himself.  He has learned that he struggles with this complex/need to be able to fix everything; so when someone comes to him, he feels the need to fix everything and lately he has felt like he's replaced a trained/qualified resource.  I have never expected, or wanted, him to fix everything, and I never intended for him to feel like I use him as a replacement for someone qualified, all I've ever wanted is a friend, and he knows this.  I told him I'd be careful with what I open up about but he said that wasn't it.  This is just something he knows about himself and needs to be careful for his well being.  He still wants to be the supportive friend and wants me to open up to him, he just feels strongly that it's time to try therapy again...

So between my own thoughts, and his concerns, and even the support from my branch president, I'm going to go back to therapy.  I talked with my branch president about getting help financially and he said of course he's willing to help.  So here were go again.

Now it's time to make decisions.  Do I go back to my old therapist?  Or do I go elsewhere?  I think I've decided that at least to start, I'm going to go back to my old therapist.  I'm comfortable with her, she's treated me before and I wouldn't necessarily have to go through everything again.  If it becomes apparent that I have gotten all I can get from her, then she'll be able to give me a more personal referral than someone who doesn't know me/my history.  I was thinking about WHY it felt like I hit a plateau with her before, and I think it's because I didn't know what I wanted.  So this time, I'm going to walk in there with clear goals of things I want to learn/accomplish and overcome.  I'm terrified...but I know I need to try this again.