Feeling Alone

(Just a heads up, this is probably a very "Debbie Downer" kind of post.  Sorry)

I've been feeling incredibly alone lately.  Almost more so than ever before.  It seems like everyone is busy and away lately.  Don't get me wrong, I understand.  People have lives, I don't expect every single person to be there for me every second of the day, I don't expect anyone at all to be there for me every second.  There has also been plenty of times I haven't been alone; but lately, things have been very dark and scary for me, I've been feeling awful and not only am I alone a lot, but those times seem to be 100x more intense than usual.  It's especially bad at night (maybe because I expect to be alone during the day).  I work an overnight job (which really doesn't help things at all) and I'm only working 1 or 2 nights a week.  I haven't been able to get more hours and I haven't had any luck getting a new job.  Not too long ago, I was hanging out with my best friend 4-5 evenings a week.  Even nights with church activities, we'd meet up for a couple hours beforehand, have dinner, relax etc; and then we'd hang out for an hour or two after said activity.  But recently, his schedule has changed, he's had to take on some more obligations and because of it, his sleep schedule is also different.  I completely understand all of this, but it SUCKS.  Now, most of the time, the only hang out time I get with him, is like an hour before a church activity (twice a week) to have dinner, just "being" with him during church or church activity and that's about it.  I don't even get to talk to him as much anymore.  It was a pretty sudden change and it really sucks.  I miss him :-(  He recently had car trouble and so I helped him out with some stuff and even though the circumstances weren't ideal (for him)  I was grateful for the extra time I had with him.  My roommate has been busy with her boyfriend in the evenings, and while I've seen her a few times this week and got to hang out one night, she's still gone most of the time.  Two of my friends in the branch that I've been close to over the past 4 years (who got married about 2 years ago) are moving out of the state in about a week.  Other friends have been out of the area for the summer or just busy with other things.  It just sucks big time and most nights I end up curled up in a ball on my bed sobbing feeling alone.

My prayers have been very desperate lately.  Pleading to not feel lonely, to feel some sort of comfort.  Pleading for the darkness to go away, even just for a short time (some relief is better than no relief).  But I feel like nothing is happening.  Well, I suppose I shouldn't say that exactly.  The fact that I've still been able to fight (no matter how much I don't want too) against my addiction, or even just to not end my life, can only be because of my Heavenly Father and Savior.  My strength and energy wore out a long time ago, whatever I have now, is not my own.  I recognize and acknowledge that, and I'm grateful for that.  But I still have this achy lonely feeling and it sucks that in my darkest moments of depression, when I need to really feel the Spirit the most, I can't.  Can I just say something?  Depressions SUCKS!!!!  It is awful and agonizing and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  When I came back to church about 4 years ago, I started reading a lot of books regarding depression and the church and trying to understand things and everything and I'm really trying to understand the things, like the difficulty to feel the Spirit because of depression is a very real thing and it's so hard because when I'm in the darkest point of despair, drowning in my mind in desires to end my life, when I need the Spirit the MOST, I can't always feel it...it's those nights that I end up in bed, curled up in a ball sobbing pleading with Heavenly Father just to take my life because the darkness is so unbearable.

I have been struggling so much just to function or stand up on my own two feet.  Struggling to wake up in the mornings, to take care of myself, to shower or eat, to not lie in bed all day, to try to workout, to do my school work, to go to church activities etc etc etc.  I'm just in this rut and I'm trying to pull myself out and it's not working.  My arms are flailing around for a life preserver because I know there's supposed to be one there (the Lord) but I can't seem to find it.

I really just want to be done.  I want to be happy, I don't want to darkness of this depression anymore, but I feel hopeless.  It feels like it's never going to change.  My medicine isn't doing any good, I can't do much more in terms of doctors/therapy because I don't have the money/financial grounding for it, but I can't find a new job or get more hours at work (not that I'd be able to handle much more, even a couple of nights is hard for me, but mostly because of the overnight aspect and the environment there).  I can't just "think happy thoughts" and the whole thing is just much more frustrating than I'm able to express at the moment.

Sorry for the downer kind of post.  I just needed to try to get something out try to find a place where maybe I wouldn't feel quite as alone.