I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, so I have been so completely exhausted. I've also been trying to work out more and I've been helping a friend this week deep clean his apartment and move furniture getting ready for a new roommate. So I've been at my emotional breaking point. Those mental and emotional walls break down a lot easier when I'm tired, then add in all the physical labor, and it really breaks them down fast. I've been slowly getting sick, which also makes me tired. And my doctor changed my medicine dosage this week so I'm dealing with fun twists and turns from that.
And all of this makes it harder to fight the addiction. Does anyone else notice that? That being overly tired and/or being sick seems to basically just be a trigger in itself. It's already hard to fight everything even when I'm fully functional and not tired. But now all my energy and strength is gone and my shields and defenses are down. I continue to fight as hard as I can, and I'm trying to consciously make the decision to keep fighting, but I just keep feeling like it's going to happen sooner or later, so why not just get it over with. I know I shouldn't think like that, I keep trying to focus on how many days that I have felt like I wasn't going to survive but somehow managed to come out on the other side. But right now, I just don't care. I'm sitting at work (I work overnights at the front desk of a hotel) and I'm alone, I'm tired, I keep breaking down and I could really just use a hug right now. I'm sick of this dark, scary place I'm in. I want the darkness and this pain to go away, I want it to end and I feel desperate enough to do anything to make it happen. :-/ It sucks feeling like this.
Right now, I am dreading church today. I don't feel good, I don't want to be around people, and I just don't want to go. But I know I have too. It's just exhausting. See, I don't go home after I get off work at 7am. I know if I do, I'll either fall asleep and sleep through my alarms, or I'll talk myself into not going to church. So instead, I go straight to the church building when I get off work Sunday mornings. I nap in my car until the Branch President shows up, then I go inside and nap in the foyer, or talk with his wife (who I'm kind of close too). Church is at 11am so the earliest I get to go home to sleep is 2pm. However, I often end up having dinner with my best friend and then we have ARP meeting in the evening so it's usually 8 or 9pm before I get to go home after working all night. Even when I don't work Saturday nights, I still get up at 7 or 8am and get ready and go to the building because the longer I am awake and at home, the more time (and more likely it is) that I'll convince myself not to go and just hide in bed. To me, this is a very big sacrifice, especially on mornings like this, and I hope by making church such a priority, that it shows the Lord I care, even if sometimes I really don't want to be there.
It's the exact right place for you to be. So bravo! It's hard to be around others when all we want to do is isolate. But the rewards are worth it. Your fear of a potential slip may lead to just that. I know that's what has done it for me. I strive to stay present and enjoy my so riety today. Fear feeds our addictions. But you're also right that being overly tired is a huge trigger. I was just talking to my sponsor about this. I've been super exhausted lately too and experienced a lot of cravings yesterday due to my exhaustion. I took a nap and felt a lot better. Take care of yourself and try to get enough sleep. I know how hard that can be but I also know its worth. Keep it up! Keep reaching out! You can do this. With the Lord anything is possible.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed this as well--it really convinces me that the underlying problem isn't the addiction...it's stress, fear, the daily grind, and how we cope with all of it. I really respect you for knowing yourself well enough to avoid situations that will make it hard for you to be obedient. Two thoughts: 1) the bigger the temptation, the more progress you will have made against the addiction if you overcome it. It's hard to think of that in the moment, but still. 2) Even if you act out or self medicate or skip church or whatever, the addiction and your stresses are still going to be there. It only feels like giving in is inevitable--you can resist though!
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