Most people don't understand the concept of physically hurting yourself. One of the closest "comparisons" I've come up with is to a shaken soda bottle. We've all had those times. A soda bottle is severely shaken and ready to burst from pressure; even the slightest twist of the lid starts to relieve the pressure that has built up, the more you untwist, the more pressure is realized. This is kind of like cutting/hurting yourself. The slightest act of hurting yourself in some way, is like the slightest twist of the soda lid; it begins to relieve all the built up stress and pressure inside, no matter what is causing it.
I'm almost a month "clean" from hurting myself...but everyday is a huge struggle. I feel like everything is just building up behind a faulty dam, and the longer I go without hurting myself, every drop of water gets closer to overflowing that dam. Eventually it's going to flood and I'm going to snap. I'm doing my best to fight everyday.
There's not really a whole lot more to update, just some random things on my mind. I've been slacking on working my recovery and doing my scripture reading. It's really hard to be motivated because often times, I don't notice a difference anyways, so I feel like, "why bother". I need to get back on track and I intend too tonight. Tomorrow will an exciting Sunday. The area I live in has 2 family wards and 1 student branch (with both singles and young marrieds without kids). Well, the family wards share a building, and the student branch has been meeting in the "Spiritual Center" on the university's campus for an incredibly long time now. Last year (after many years of being "close" to it) they finally started construction on our own building and tomorrow is our first Sunday meeting in it, so we're all pretty excited.
If anyone feels like it, I could use some prayers that a potential job opportunity works out for me. I've been working part time after getting my hours cut and for awhile it's been enough, but they're been cutting my hours more and more and my money/financial situation is not good at all. I've been trying to find a new job for over a year and have had plenty of interviews, but nothing has worked out. I've been working on a potential writing opportunity and I should know the beginning of the week what they decide. If this works out, both time wise and money wise it would be perfect so I'm really hoping things go well.
Praying for you. Chin up lady. Good job writing it out. That can be very helpful in relieving some of the pressure. My therapist is always telling me that my emotions have to go somewhere and encourages free writes. Maybe you have done them. But it's just writing. For a few minutes whatever you want. Every thought and feeling. Things that you keep inside only you. And then when you're done you rip it up and throw it away. I can't believe how helpful this is. To just be perfectly honest about my feelings and not censor my own writing. I hope you can find a job that will work out for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely a big fan of writing. There's really no difference between my "free writes" and regular journaling as I never censor what I write. I've done the whole ripping it up thing, it's been helpful, but I usually can't rip it up right away. I have to spend some time dealing with what I wrote.
DeleteThe soda bottle analogy is spot on. Thank you for sharing! Praying for you, sister.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI agree--that shaken soda analogy really helps me understand. My sister had a few years where she really struggled with cutting, and I had a hard time understanding it. And lack of employment is definitely having the bottle shaken.
ReplyDeleteLack of employment along with many many other things haha. I'm glad it helped you understand it some. (Though that analogy could be compared to any addiction really, but it's the closest thing I've been able to compare it to to help people I've shared with understand)
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