You know those parts in the movies when they start playing eerie/dooming music when something bad/crazy is about to happen? I feel like that is playing in the background of my life right now. Not just in regards to me, but also a close friend of mine. Something has seemed off with them lately, they haven't seemed quite themselves and I feel like something is around the corner, not necessarily addiction related. I just feel like something is up and they're not telling me. It makes me worry about them. Not to mention I feel like the dam in my own life is about ready to burst any moment. *Insert dooming/eerie music*
On another note, I've been a bit frustrated lately. There have been some comments from people the past few weeks that have made me feel like I need to start shutting myself down. Most of the comments have been from people who just don't really understand depression and things, but some of the comments have been from some people who are close to me that are generally patient and caring. While they haven't specifically expressed that they're frustrated with me, I can tell from their comments. Today was a rough day in terms of trying to plaster a face on and by the time I got home tonight, I just crashed. I ended up writing the following in some big freak out (I'm actually debating posting it on facebook, minus the more specific stuff I don't generally share with people (like about hurting myself and such). So here's what I ended up with this evening-----
Just be happy.
Just smile.
Be more righteous.
Just choose to be happy.
Obviously it’s all my fault. It’s my fault I feel the way I do, and struggle the way I do. Because all I have to do to fix it is to just “be happy” and “smile”. It’s a choice. And because I struggle, it’s because I’ve CHOOSEN too. WHO IN THEIR FREAKIN RIGHT MIND WOULD CHOOSE THIS?!?!?!?! It’s awful. It’s overwhelming. It’s UNBEARABLE. Don’t you think if it were that freakin easy I would have just “chosen” to be happy by now? It’s like telling someone with cancer to just be healthy and cancer free. No one would ever say something like that to someone with cancer; but because people don’t understand depression, or because it’s not necessarily as much of a “physical” thing, they think telling someone to “just be happy” (aka “just be healthy”) will make it go away. If it were that easy, I WOULDN’T BE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!! I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!! Do you know how HARD it is to smile at all when your mind is consumed with how much you want to end your life, and how/when to do so?!?! I get it, it can be frustrating for the people around me. But believe me, all the frustration other people feel, I feel about 10x more frustrated. It’s become more and more obvious I just need to plaster on face when I’m outside my bedroom…it seems to be what would be best, before I frustrate the people around me so much that they’re out of my life, I’ve done that enough before. But doing so for more than hour is so physically and mentally exhausting. It takes everything I have to do so, and I’m already spending everything I have to not do things like hurt myself or end my life. It doesn’t make sense, and I don’t understand why, but it’s easier to fake it and plaster a face when I’m ‘actively’ hurting myself (not fighting it). I want to be happy. I don’t want to feel this way. I’m doing my best to get into an exercise routine/groove in order to help. I’m seeing a doctor, something I HATE, to try to help. I’m on medicine, which I also HATE, to try to help. I can’t stand all the darkness, it’s so unbearable and I’m desperate to end my life just to make it go away; and half the time, I don’t even know what the darkness is (nothing in particular has to be going on and it’s still this awful darkness.) Why would you think, if all I had to do was smile and be happy, that I would choose this instead? I’m doing the best I can, fighting things with everything I have in me, it’s hard and exhausting, but I’m still alive…that should count for something shouldn’t it? I don’t want to frustrate the people around me. It just seems easier to put up a face.
Dude. I wrote a really long awesome comment and it didn't post. dangit. I'll try again :) I want you to know you're not alone! I GET IT! I hate those comments from ignorant people. I've been educating those around me who don't really get it and luckily a lot of them try really hard to be empathetic and try to understand what depression/anxiety looks and feels like. Everyday we are alive is a huge victory. Everyday that we bring those shame gremlins (have you read anything by Brene Brown? If not, I highly suggest The Gifts of Imperfection) to light, we smash them a little more and become stronger ourselves. So keep it up! You're not alone! chin up lady :)
ReplyDeleteI wrote this long reply and it didn't post either! It keeps signing me out of my account. What the heck?! haha Anyways, thanks Annette, I always appreciate your comments <3. I try to educate people too. It's most frustrating when it's my best friend though. He has family that struggles with depression and stuff so he's not completely uneducated, and we've talked about it A LOT. But sometimes he gets frustrated, and I get it. He's the one who deals with everything from me, my breakdowns, anxiety, bad days, freak outs etc etc. So I know he doesn't mean anything by his comments, he's just frustrated, but it still can be hurtful. When he realizes he's been making comments (or I point it out to him) he apologizes for being impatient and dispassionate, he just genuinely wants me to be happy and healthy, I know that. But ya know...it's still frustrating and hurtful. And then when it comes from other people who just completely ignorant and judgmental, that's even worse. Anyways, thank you for reading and for commenting <3
ReplyDeleteAlso, thank you for the suggestion of Brene Brown, I'll have to check it out
ReplyDelete