One thing in particular I've been struggling with, is this deep, gut, achy feeling of loneliness. It's terrible. Don't get me wrong, I "know" I'm not alone...but it doesn't change that I feel that way. I feel like I've been abandoned, even by my Savior and Heavenly Father. Again, I know this isn't the case, but one of the affects depression has on me is the ability to feel the Spirit. So when I need to feel it most, I can't...and it really affects me and how I'm feeling. Things have been very dark, very overwhelming, and I've been struggling to fight.
As "lame" as it may be, crocheting has become a huge help in trying to hold on. It helps me keep my hands busy when I want to hurt myself, or when things are so dark I want to end my life. I'm only a beginner, but the things I've worked on so far haven't turned out so bad, which has also helped build some confidence (something I have very very little of) and it's something I'm proud of and I'm very grateful that I was able to discover this ability. I've made an afghan for my best friend, a scarf, and I've been working on little baby beanies to donate to the hospital for newborns (I've made about 10 so far). In addition to continuing with the baby beanies, I'm also currently working on another scarf and another afghan for myself. It has helped on my darkest nights to allow me to hold on for just a little while longer...even though every fiber of my being wants to give up, quit fighting, and end everything.
Afghan for my best friend
Scarf I made with Green Bay Packers colored yarn I got as a secret santa gift at work (I LOVE the GB Packers)
One of the pink beanies
A couple blue beanies
