I haven't posted for awhile, mostly because I haven't really had anything positive to post and so many of my posts lately have been "downers", that I didn't want to post another one. I've been struggling with my scripture reading and working recovery lately so I haven't had a lot of insight to post, though our ARP meeting this week was interesting, perhaps I'll post about that later.
But right now...I'm in a very unsafe place. I am trying not to give in. I've been trying to reach out to people, but everyone is busy; which is fine, I understand...but it's lonely. And now it's about 4am where I am so of course everyone is asleep and I'm not safe and so I'm posting on here to all of you, who don't know me, who won't see this for who knows how long (if even at all), and who really can't do anything for me...but I'm trying hard not to give in and hurt myself and this is just something else to keep my hands busy for a few moments.
I'm been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately; feeling sick and exhausted. I've had a constant headache for about a week and a half. It changes from a bad headache to a bad migraine...but it's been constant and it's difficult. Staying alive is a huge struggle right now. My birthday is next week and every year around this times comes a deeper depression than I'm already in because I don't want to live to see another year where I will feel worthless and be a failure.
I started to rewatch a show that I like on netflix, but I forgot the first few episodes have some triggering content in it. In all my exhaustion, I wasn't being too careful...or maybe deep down I didn't want to be too careful, my ability and desire to fight is dwindling and it has gotten to the point that I don't really care anymore.
Sorry for the post. I'll try to post something better next time...
I read this. And I appreciate you reaching out. Please post "downer" posts as much as you want, if that's what helps you. Keep reaching out and trying to understand yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteMary, I've been here. It is great that you are reaching out. Remember that you are not alone. As Elder Holland says, "When we reach out for God, we will discover that He has been anxiously reaching for us the whole time." Life is hard. Loneliness is hard, especially when we can't check the boxes that the world and even some in the church, feel make us successful. But you are here for a reason. You are here because you said yes. You said "I can do this" and you can. Heavenly Father loves you and He will help you succeed. You've got three of the most Powerful Beings in the universe on your side.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Stacey, I truly appreciate your comment <3
DeleteYou can do it! I'm married to a porn addict who's under the GreatnessAhead program and I have faith that we will win this battle. There are times that you feel like you're not making any difference but your determination to at least "try" is already a giant leap!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I try to look at it like that, but it takes a lot of work to see the "try"s over the fails. Thanks for your comment and your support <3
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