It's been quite some time since I've written. I don't have a whole lot to update on. I'm back to just over a month since my last slip up, which is good progress I guess. Things are very difficult though, especially when you add the typical holiday stress to all of it. I'm really grateful for the small tender mercies in my life that the Lord gives me, especially in the forms of other people. Any strength that I have right now is definitely not mine.
On another note, something happened recently that I would like to share about.
So it's that time of year...tithing settlement. Oh boy. I was not looking forward to that. It's something I really struggle with, a lot. See, growing up, my dad was very inactive, tithing was never a priority. IF it got paid at all, it was always after everything else. By the time I was working and had an sort of income to pay my own tithing, it was right around the time that I was decided to leave the church; paying tithing then was not something I wanted to do. When I came back to church several years ago, I was really strong in paying my tithing. After about a year, I began to struggle again until it got to the point I was barely paying it. I always had the intention to pay it, I would write the check...but my hours were low and then things would happen or I would forget and by the time I remembered I just said I would combine it with the next one. About 2 months ago though, I had been talking with my roommate about it and that night I laid in bed thinking about it all, and I became really ashamed that I struggled with it so much; especially because I have been receiving help from the church so I could go back to therapy. I had no excuses...I just couldn't seem to get myself to pay it. I then realized the biggest thing, I wasn't asking for help. I clearly couldn't do it by myself, but I wasn't asking for help. So I knelt on my knees and asked Heavenly Father for help. I told him I wanted to pay, but for some reason I struggled with it. I asked for help and strength as I committed myself to him and his commandment to pay tithing.
Fast forward almost 2 months and I'm sitting in tithing settlement with my branch president telling him all this. I told him that my tithing for the year was only a partial tithe, but since that night that I recommitted myself, it has been a full tithe. My branch president looked at me and smiled and said "So, uh, when your shifts at work start increasing?" Wow. I didn't even put the two together. Recently, my shifts at work had increased and because of this, I was able to cover repairs on my car that were needed to pass inspection, and for the first time in several months, I was going to be able to cover all my bills myself and still be able to do therapy. Occasionally the increased shifts overwhelm me a little, but overall I've been grateful for them. It wasn't until my branch president asked about the timing of it that I realized it was right around the same time. As soon as I realized that, I was so humbled and grateful at the mercy the Lord had for me. I had been having such a hard time with tithing for so long, with no excuse, but yet, as soon as I admitted this to him and asked for help, he poured blessings down on me. I was working with my budget the other day and trying to decide if I should continue to count on these increased hours when I could feel the spirit telling me, "Just trust in me. Pay your tithing in full and you will have the hours you need." In the past couple of months, my testimony of tithing has been strengthened ssoooo much and I'm so grateful.
As I'm writing this, I realize how much this also applies to my struggle and journey with depression and my addiction. I can't do this by myself, but I continue to try too. It's not that I never ask for help, but I certainly don't ask for as much as I should. (There are many 'excuses' I find that I give myself to not ask for help, but when it comes down to it, they don't matter). I don't always have the blessing of being able to feel the spirit, especially when I really need too, but I do often have the privilege and blessing to witness tender mercies in my life and I'm sure if I asked for help more, I would be able to see the help in my life in some way.
Anyways, those are my thoughts for now. I'm grateful for the strength I've been able to receive from Heavenly Father and the Lord, because I know my own strength ran out a long time ago.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
Day Zero
Tuesday I hit my 5 month mark...
...yesterday I went back to day zero :-/
I'm still processing things and struggling to face that I slipped up. I texted my best friend and let him know to hold myself accountable, but he's been really busy so I didn't hear from him at all yesterday, which kind of sucks...I really wanted to be able to talk with him a bit. I also told my other friend who knows. She's very caring and supportive and everything, but I know it's a difficult thing for her to understand, so it's not quite the same with talking to her, but I appreciate the love, support and friendship she shows me regardless and I'm grateful I was able to message her and that she was there for me to respond with said love and support.
Time to start over I guess. The first few days to a week are always the most difficult after a slip up. I struggle to get back on my feet and continue to have frequent slip ups for several days until I manage to get myself back on track and start to make some progress again.
...yesterday I went back to day zero :-/
I'm still processing things and struggling to face that I slipped up. I texted my best friend and let him know to hold myself accountable, but he's been really busy so I didn't hear from him at all yesterday, which kind of sucks...I really wanted to be able to talk with him a bit. I also told my other friend who knows. She's very caring and supportive and everything, but I know it's a difficult thing for her to understand, so it's not quite the same with talking to her, but I appreciate the love, support and friendship she shows me regardless and I'm grateful I was able to message her and that she was there for me to respond with said love and support.
Time to start over I guess. The first few days to a week are always the most difficult after a slip up. I struggle to get back on my feet and continue to have frequent slip ups for several days until I manage to get myself back on track and start to make some progress again.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Oh my
Oh my, it's been awhile since I've posted. There's really not much to update on, and I doubt anyone reads this enough to know if I've been posting or not, but I could use some "writing time" so here it goes. (Sorry it's long)
Recovery- I've really struggled with actively working recovery. I haven't been making it to ARP meetings lately, I don't exactly have any excuse. When I started going to the meetings, it was in support of my best friend who asked me to go along for support and help push and encourage him to go. Eventually, I started focusing on myself at the meetings as well as focusing on learning how to support and deal with my friends addiction. However, a few months ago my friends schedule changed and because of it, he can't often go to meetings. It also means we don't generally hang out after church on Sundays (meetings are on Sunday evenings) so after church I go home and go to sleep (after working overnight Saturday night and not having slept at all). This often means that I miss the meetings because I'm sleeping, but it's also because I don't always make an effort to be awake to go. I need to start working on making it to those meetings AND to encourage my friend to go more often when he can, but he's beside the point. I'm in contact with many people from the meetings, so it wouldn't be so bad if I were at least working recovery at home, but I haven't been. *sigh* I really need be accountable to someone with all of this, I think it's the only way. Anyone want to volunteer? (Kidding. Kind of...)
Church- To add to my level at sucking at doing the things I'm supposed to be doing- I've been missing church recently. However, let me explain, this is not on purpose. I work overnight at the front desk of a hotel, and usually, one of my nights is Saturday night, getting off at 7am Sunday morning. Until July, our student branch met on campus at the spiritual center and there was very limited nearby parking. To kill two birds with one stone, I would go straight to campus after work to make sure I went to church, and to get a good parking spot. I did this because I knew if I went home I would either fall asleep and not wake up to go to church, or I would talk myself out of going. However in July, we were finally able to start meeting in our own new building, where parking isn't an issue. I started going home after work so I could at least get a shower because I really hated being at church all day in the grime of work from the night before. (Even though I wear church clothes to work since we're supposed to look nice, I would take a change to help avoid this, and it still felt like the grime of work). So for the past month or so, I've been going home after work, showering, set an alarm for church and take a nap. In the past month, I've made it to church on time once. Twice I missed it entirely and once I made it for the end of Sacrament meeting. Clearly, I need to come up with a new routine. It appears I need to forego the nap and just go into church after I'm showered and ready. I'm not sure what else to do. Especially because it's already been really hard for me to go lately because of my depression and anxiety, it becomes even harder to go when I've already been missing.
Scripture reading- Well, I've been struggling with my own personal reading, but I have been reading. I live in an apartment with 3 others and we're all members. I'm really close with one of the girls. About a month ago she expressed frustration because she was having trouble getting up for work on time in the mornings. Her bosses are really chill and don't care if she's late, so she never had any real accountability to getting up but she wanted to be able to be on time and she would text me in the mornings after getting to late work about how she hated herself and how stressed she was because she was always late. After a few mornings of this in a row, I sat her down with an idea. Because I work an overnight shift, and only work a few nights a week, my schedule is fairly flexible. I don't have a set time I have to be awake in the morning. So we talked about what time she wanted to be able to leave and how much time she needed to get ready in the morning. We then added 30 min to that time to come up with a time for the two of us to get up (630am) and read scriptures together. After we're done she eats and gets ready and goes to work and depending on my sleep schedule at the time, I'm either up for the day or I go back to bed for a few hours. If I work the night before (I get off at 7am), I make her text me when she's awake (sending me a picture of something outside her bedroom so I know she's up), she gets ready first and then when I get home, we have just enough time to read together before she goes to work. It's been working great for both of us. It helps me to not stay in bed all day because by getting up first thing and someone relying on me being up, forces me to get out of bed. It also helps me get some sort of scripture reading in, even if I'm still struggling with my personal reading. And she has shared how much it has helped her to have someone to be accountable to to wake up and she's much less stressed in the mornings.
Sobriety- I am days away from hitting my 5 month mark since the last time I hurt myself. This is the longest stretch I've had for several years now. There are two "voices" going on here. Voice #1 - every single one of those days was a struggle. Every single one of those days felt like it would be impossible to make it through without giving in. So I should be proud of the progress I've made in not hurting myself. Voice #2 - Every day continues to be a struggle. The urges intensify and it feels like the inevitable slip up is just lurking around the corner.
I know it doesn't have to be inevitable, but that's how it feels.
Overall- I wrote the following in my journal the other day. I feel like I need to share it, though I don't know why, nor do I really want to per se. But this blog is supposed to be about healing and recovery and that includes being open and honest.
"Things have been rough, especially this week. I've been feeling so hopeless. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am in this pitch black, dark hole of depression. It hurts, it's so painful and there only seems to be one way out, one way to make the hurt and pain end. I am so desperate to make everything end. It's so consuming. So overwhelming. I feel like I am underwater being crushed by a thousand tons of bricks on my chest. I can't keep doing this. I feel like I'm failing at everything around me. I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things. I spend so much by myself sobbing because I just can't handle it. I just want to end my life. What would it matter? I feel like everyone around me would be so much better off if I weren't around being some worthless burden. My mind is consumed by dark triggering images that I've been exposed to recently, even though I've been careful. It's consumed by thoughts of how/when to end things. I can't accurately express the intensity of the darkness or intensity of my desperation. I just want it all to end! Please?!?! :'( I at least need some sort of relief, no matter how brief. A small amount of relief is better than none at all. . . . I'm scared. I can't do this anymore"
Now that I'm done typing that, I kind of feel a little better. I feel like it was an attempt to really get across how I've been feeling lately, though it still doesn't seem to scratch the surface.
I'm sorry this is long, and if you actually read it all; well, thank you <3
Recovery- I've really struggled with actively working recovery. I haven't been making it to ARP meetings lately, I don't exactly have any excuse. When I started going to the meetings, it was in support of my best friend who asked me to go along for support and help push and encourage him to go. Eventually, I started focusing on myself at the meetings as well as focusing on learning how to support and deal with my friends addiction. However, a few months ago my friends schedule changed and because of it, he can't often go to meetings. It also means we don't generally hang out after church on Sundays (meetings are on Sunday evenings) so after church I go home and go to sleep (after working overnight Saturday night and not having slept at all). This often means that I miss the meetings because I'm sleeping, but it's also because I don't always make an effort to be awake to go. I need to start working on making it to those meetings AND to encourage my friend to go more often when he can, but he's beside the point. I'm in contact with many people from the meetings, so it wouldn't be so bad if I were at least working recovery at home, but I haven't been. *sigh* I really need be accountable to someone with all of this, I think it's the only way. Anyone want to volunteer? (Kidding. Kind of...)
Church- To add to my level at sucking at doing the things I'm supposed to be doing- I've been missing church recently. However, let me explain, this is not on purpose. I work overnight at the front desk of a hotel, and usually, one of my nights is Saturday night, getting off at 7am Sunday morning. Until July, our student branch met on campus at the spiritual center and there was very limited nearby parking. To kill two birds with one stone, I would go straight to campus after work to make sure I went to church, and to get a good parking spot. I did this because I knew if I went home I would either fall asleep and not wake up to go to church, or I would talk myself out of going. However in July, we were finally able to start meeting in our own new building, where parking isn't an issue. I started going home after work so I could at least get a shower because I really hated being at church all day in the grime of work from the night before. (Even though I wear church clothes to work since we're supposed to look nice, I would take a change to help avoid this, and it still felt like the grime of work). So for the past month or so, I've been going home after work, showering, set an alarm for church and take a nap. In the past month, I've made it to church on time once. Twice I missed it entirely and once I made it for the end of Sacrament meeting. Clearly, I need to come up with a new routine. It appears I need to forego the nap and just go into church after I'm showered and ready. I'm not sure what else to do. Especially because it's already been really hard for me to go lately because of my depression and anxiety, it becomes even harder to go when I've already been missing.
Scripture reading- Well, I've been struggling with my own personal reading, but I have been reading. I live in an apartment with 3 others and we're all members. I'm really close with one of the girls. About a month ago she expressed frustration because she was having trouble getting up for work on time in the mornings. Her bosses are really chill and don't care if she's late, so she never had any real accountability to getting up but she wanted to be able to be on time and she would text me in the mornings after getting to late work about how she hated herself and how stressed she was because she was always late. After a few mornings of this in a row, I sat her down with an idea. Because I work an overnight shift, and only work a few nights a week, my schedule is fairly flexible. I don't have a set time I have to be awake in the morning. So we talked about what time she wanted to be able to leave and how much time she needed to get ready in the morning. We then added 30 min to that time to come up with a time for the two of us to get up (630am) and read scriptures together. After we're done she eats and gets ready and goes to work and depending on my sleep schedule at the time, I'm either up for the day or I go back to bed for a few hours. If I work the night before (I get off at 7am), I make her text me when she's awake (sending me a picture of something outside her bedroom so I know she's up), she gets ready first and then when I get home, we have just enough time to read together before she goes to work. It's been working great for both of us. It helps me to not stay in bed all day because by getting up first thing and someone relying on me being up, forces me to get out of bed. It also helps me get some sort of scripture reading in, even if I'm still struggling with my personal reading. And she has shared how much it has helped her to have someone to be accountable to to wake up and she's much less stressed in the mornings.
Sobriety- I am days away from hitting my 5 month mark since the last time I hurt myself. This is the longest stretch I've had for several years now. There are two "voices" going on here. Voice #1 - every single one of those days was a struggle. Every single one of those days felt like it would be impossible to make it through without giving in. So I should be proud of the progress I've made in not hurting myself. Voice #2 - Every day continues to be a struggle. The urges intensify and it feels like the inevitable slip up is just lurking around the corner.
I know it doesn't have to be inevitable, but that's how it feels.
Overall- I wrote the following in my journal the other day. I feel like I need to share it, though I don't know why, nor do I really want to per se. But this blog is supposed to be about healing and recovery and that includes being open and honest.
"Things have been rough, especially this week. I've been feeling so hopeless. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am in this pitch black, dark hole of depression. It hurts, it's so painful and there only seems to be one way out, one way to make the hurt and pain end. I am so desperate to make everything end. It's so consuming. So overwhelming. I feel like I am underwater being crushed by a thousand tons of bricks on my chest. I can't keep doing this. I feel like I'm failing at everything around me. I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things. I spend so much by myself sobbing because I just can't handle it. I just want to end my life. What would it matter? I feel like everyone around me would be so much better off if I weren't around being some worthless burden. My mind is consumed by dark triggering images that I've been exposed to recently, even though I've been careful. It's consumed by thoughts of how/when to end things. I can't accurately express the intensity of the darkness or intensity of my desperation. I just want it all to end! Please?!?! :'( I at least need some sort of relief, no matter how brief. A small amount of relief is better than none at all. . . . I'm scared. I can't do this anymore"
Now that I'm done typing that, I kind of feel a little better. I feel like it was an attempt to really get across how I've been feeling lately, though it still doesn't seem to scratch the surface.
I'm sorry this is long, and if you actually read it all; well, thank you <3
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Sobriety
Therapy- I started therapy again last month. Because of some insurance things, for the time being, I'm really only able to meet with her once a month for a bit. So I had my first appointment back a few weeks ago, I choose to return to my old therapist. I decided this because therapy has always been a scary thing for me, and I felt I would be much more likely to jump back in if it was with someone I was comfortable with. I also decided this because she has/knows my past and I wouldn't have to go through the "intake" process again and have to relive through some painful things. (Though of course there are some things I still have to work through, but there's a difference between working through them to overcome them, and reliving them to tell someone about them AND working through them to overcome them.) I also figured that if it became apparent I needed to go somewhere else to get what I need, my therapist could give a more personal referral since she knows me and my past, than someone who was making a blind referral could.
Anyways, my first meeting back with her was a few weeks ago. We discussed some different things. We talked about why I was back, we talked about the issues I still have with self-harm, we talked about things that have changed since the last time I was there, we talked about the goals that I want to work on. And at the end of the appointment, we choose 2 things for me to work on for next time we meet. She mentioned that some of the things we talked about it, it seemed I had made some progress from the last time I had been there. Mostly in regards to my family. She pointed out that before, my view on the issues with my family were such that I wanted no contact because I couldn't bear to forgive them. I hated them and I couldn't accept the things they did/do to me and I didn't want to even try. This time when we met, I mentioned that I was on limited contact with them while I try to work through things. I mentioned that I wanted to work on how to move on from what they've done in the past, to accept that the way they are is just how they are and to learn how to handle things they say and do to me without letting it affect me. To her this was progress. She said that to go from hating them and not wanting to even try to forgive them, to wanting to be able to learn how to just not let them affect me and have some sort of relationship with them, even if it's somewhat limited.
Self-harm, Sobriety/Recovery- I'm working hard to try to focus on recovery. I work hard to acknowledge the places I'm in, to check in with my best friend on a daily basis and honestly express the difficulties I may be having, thoughts that are in my head. not bottle things up or shut down. I do my best to remain in a safe place, though I struggle greatly with that. I've been struggling with my scripture reading lately, but I'm doing my best. I'm days away from my 4 month "sobriety" mark. I'm trying to hold on to the "good" things about this- mainly the fact that every single day of those 4 months, I felt like I wasn't going to survive. I wanted to quit, I wanted to give in and I didn't care of anything I would feel or regret after the fact. However, every single day is harder than the day before. I feel like a dam that is ready to break. Every day when more stress is added, when I become more overwhelmed, I feel like I am closer and closer to that inevitable slip up/relapse. I don't want to feel that way, I don't want the thought that "slip ups are a part of recovery" to be an excuse/justification/self-fulfilled prophesy of sorts. There was a period of time I went 2 years without hurting myself, since the relapse that broke that period of sobriety, I have yet to come anywhere close to that again. In fact, 4 months (even the 3 months before that) is the longest I've gone in some time, I'm grateful for that, but it's an every day struggle and I know I can never be complacent about it, I have to continue to fight in order to be successful. I'm grateful for my best friend and the support he gives me, for the other friends I have by my side, whether they know the specific things going on or not, and I'm grateful for the strength I've received from my Savior and Heavenly Father because I know my own strength ran out some time ago, I know the strength I have now is not my own.
Anyways, my first meeting back with her was a few weeks ago. We discussed some different things. We talked about why I was back, we talked about the issues I still have with self-harm, we talked about things that have changed since the last time I was there, we talked about the goals that I want to work on. And at the end of the appointment, we choose 2 things for me to work on for next time we meet. She mentioned that some of the things we talked about it, it seemed I had made some progress from the last time I had been there. Mostly in regards to my family. She pointed out that before, my view on the issues with my family were such that I wanted no contact because I couldn't bear to forgive them. I hated them and I couldn't accept the things they did/do to me and I didn't want to even try. This time when we met, I mentioned that I was on limited contact with them while I try to work through things. I mentioned that I wanted to work on how to move on from what they've done in the past, to accept that the way they are is just how they are and to learn how to handle things they say and do to me without letting it affect me. To her this was progress. She said that to go from hating them and not wanting to even try to forgive them, to wanting to be able to learn how to just not let them affect me and have some sort of relationship with them, even if it's somewhat limited.
Self-harm, Sobriety/Recovery- I'm working hard to try to focus on recovery. I work hard to acknowledge the places I'm in, to check in with my best friend on a daily basis and honestly express the difficulties I may be having, thoughts that are in my head. not bottle things up or shut down. I do my best to remain in a safe place, though I struggle greatly with that. I've been struggling with my scripture reading lately, but I'm doing my best. I'm days away from my 4 month "sobriety" mark. I'm trying to hold on to the "good" things about this- mainly the fact that every single day of those 4 months, I felt like I wasn't going to survive. I wanted to quit, I wanted to give in and I didn't care of anything I would feel or regret after the fact. However, every single day is harder than the day before. I feel like a dam that is ready to break. Every day when more stress is added, when I become more overwhelmed, I feel like I am closer and closer to that inevitable slip up/relapse. I don't want to feel that way, I don't want the thought that "slip ups are a part of recovery" to be an excuse/justification/self-fulfilled prophesy of sorts. There was a period of time I went 2 years without hurting myself, since the relapse that broke that period of sobriety, I have yet to come anywhere close to that again. In fact, 4 months (even the 3 months before that) is the longest I've gone in some time, I'm grateful for that, but it's an every day struggle and I know I can never be complacent about it, I have to continue to fight in order to be successful. I'm grateful for my best friend and the support he gives me, for the other friends I have by my side, whether they know the specific things going on or not, and I'm grateful for the strength I've received from my Savior and Heavenly Father because I know my own strength ran out some time ago, I know the strength I have now is not my own.
Friday, September 12, 2014
Safe?
I haven't posted for awhile, mostly because I haven't really had anything positive to post and so many of my posts lately have been "downers", that I didn't want to post another one. I've been struggling with my scripture reading and working recovery lately so I haven't had a lot of insight to post, though our ARP meeting this week was interesting, perhaps I'll post about that later.
But right now...I'm in a very unsafe place. I am trying not to give in. I've been trying to reach out to people, but everyone is busy; which is fine, I understand...but it's lonely. And now it's about 4am where I am so of course everyone is asleep and I'm not safe and so I'm posting on here to all of you, who don't know me, who won't see this for who knows how long (if even at all), and who really can't do anything for me...but I'm trying hard not to give in and hurt myself and this is just something else to keep my hands busy for a few moments.
I'm been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately; feeling sick and exhausted. I've had a constant headache for about a week and a half. It changes from a bad headache to a bad migraine...but it's been constant and it's difficult. Staying alive is a huge struggle right now. My birthday is next week and every year around this times comes a deeper depression than I'm already in because I don't want to live to see another year where I will feel worthless and be a failure.
I started to rewatch a show that I like on netflix, but I forgot the first few episodes have some triggering content in it. In all my exhaustion, I wasn't being too careful...or maybe deep down I didn't want to be too careful, my ability and desire to fight is dwindling and it has gotten to the point that I don't really care anymore.
Sorry for the post. I'll try to post something better next time...
But right now...I'm in a very unsafe place. I am trying not to give in. I've been trying to reach out to people, but everyone is busy; which is fine, I understand...but it's lonely. And now it's about 4am where I am so of course everyone is asleep and I'm not safe and so I'm posting on here to all of you, who don't know me, who won't see this for who knows how long (if even at all), and who really can't do anything for me...but I'm trying hard not to give in and hurt myself and this is just something else to keep my hands busy for a few moments.
I'm been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately; feeling sick and exhausted. I've had a constant headache for about a week and a half. It changes from a bad headache to a bad migraine...but it's been constant and it's difficult. Staying alive is a huge struggle right now. My birthday is next week and every year around this times comes a deeper depression than I'm already in because I don't want to live to see another year where I will feel worthless and be a failure.
I started to rewatch a show that I like on netflix, but I forgot the first few episodes have some triggering content in it. In all my exhaustion, I wasn't being too careful...or maybe deep down I didn't want to be too careful, my ability and desire to fight is dwindling and it has gotten to the point that I don't really care anymore.
Sorry for the post. I'll try to post something better next time...
Thursday, August 21, 2014
So what now?
I guess it's time to take another step towards getting healthy. After basically being thrown in the deep end of the pool today, I will be resuming therapy.
I've done therapy off and on for many years. I saw someone when I was younger, but I felt I wasn't getting anything from him. I felt that he wasn't addressing my needs. My parents wouldn't listen to me though (though the act of making me go see someone may seem caring, it's hard to see that that's what they were doing, especially when I went to them with my concerns and they wouldn't listen.) So instead, I started to go to therapy and I lied. I told him everything was great, and hid anything going on. Eventually, he told my parents that I didn't need to see him anymore. He basically scarred my experience of therapy and I REFUSED to try again for a very long time. It wasn't until 2009 (probably about 10 years later) that I finally made the choice to try to go back to therapy. I really liked the therapist I found and found things helpful. But then my insurance was changing, and she was no longer covered and I couldn't afford to keep her without the insurance. At the same time, I had a severe cut in hours and couldn't afford the copays to go anywhere else, so I made the decision to stop. Just before all this had happened, I felt like I had hit a plateau with her anyways; I'm not sure if it was because of my own road blocks or because I had gotten everything I could from her. Going back to therapy has been on my mind a little bit but financially, I can't even afford to pay all my bills without help, I know I wouldn't be able to cover paying for all of that.
But then I had a conversation with a friend today, and he expressed a lot of concerns, both about me and also himself. He's noticed how bad of a place I'm in. He sees me sliding down a very slippery slope and he's concerned about me. He thinks I really need to do this. He also expressed concern about himself. He has learned that he struggles with this complex/need to be able to fix everything; so when someone comes to him, he feels the need to fix everything and lately he has felt like he's replaced a trained/qualified resource. I have never expected, or wanted, him to fix everything, and I never intended for him to feel like I use him as a replacement for someone qualified, all I've ever wanted is a friend, and he knows this. I told him I'd be careful with what I open up about but he said that wasn't it. This is just something he knows about himself and needs to be careful for his well being. He still wants to be the supportive friend and wants me to open up to him, he just feels strongly that it's time to try therapy again...
So between my own thoughts, and his concerns, and even the support from my branch president, I'm going to go back to therapy. I talked with my branch president about getting help financially and he said of course he's willing to help. So here were go again.
Now it's time to make decisions. Do I go back to my old therapist? Or do I go elsewhere? I think I've decided that at least to start, I'm going to go back to my old therapist. I'm comfortable with her, she's treated me before and I wouldn't necessarily have to go through everything again. If it becomes apparent that I have gotten all I can get from her, then she'll be able to give me a more personal referral than someone who doesn't know me/my history. I was thinking about WHY it felt like I hit a plateau with her before, and I think it's because I didn't know what I wanted. So this time, I'm going to walk in there with clear goals of things I want to learn/accomplish and overcome. I'm terrified...but I know I need to try this again.
I've done therapy off and on for many years. I saw someone when I was younger, but I felt I wasn't getting anything from him. I felt that he wasn't addressing my needs. My parents wouldn't listen to me though (though the act of making me go see someone may seem caring, it's hard to see that that's what they were doing, especially when I went to them with my concerns and they wouldn't listen.) So instead, I started to go to therapy and I lied. I told him everything was great, and hid anything going on. Eventually, he told my parents that I didn't need to see him anymore. He basically scarred my experience of therapy and I REFUSED to try again for a very long time. It wasn't until 2009 (probably about 10 years later) that I finally made the choice to try to go back to therapy. I really liked the therapist I found and found things helpful. But then my insurance was changing, and she was no longer covered and I couldn't afford to keep her without the insurance. At the same time, I had a severe cut in hours and couldn't afford the copays to go anywhere else, so I made the decision to stop. Just before all this had happened, I felt like I had hit a plateau with her anyways; I'm not sure if it was because of my own road blocks or because I had gotten everything I could from her. Going back to therapy has been on my mind a little bit but financially, I can't even afford to pay all my bills without help, I know I wouldn't be able to cover paying for all of that.
But then I had a conversation with a friend today, and he expressed a lot of concerns, both about me and also himself. He's noticed how bad of a place I'm in. He sees me sliding down a very slippery slope and he's concerned about me. He thinks I really need to do this. He also expressed concern about himself. He has learned that he struggles with this complex/need to be able to fix everything; so when someone comes to him, he feels the need to fix everything and lately he has felt like he's replaced a trained/qualified resource. I have never expected, or wanted, him to fix everything, and I never intended for him to feel like I use him as a replacement for someone qualified, all I've ever wanted is a friend, and he knows this. I told him I'd be careful with what I open up about but he said that wasn't it. This is just something he knows about himself and needs to be careful for his well being. He still wants to be the supportive friend and wants me to open up to him, he just feels strongly that it's time to try therapy again...
So between my own thoughts, and his concerns, and even the support from my branch president, I'm going to go back to therapy. I talked with my branch president about getting help financially and he said of course he's willing to help. So here were go again.
Now it's time to make decisions. Do I go back to my old therapist? Or do I go elsewhere? I think I've decided that at least to start, I'm going to go back to my old therapist. I'm comfortable with her, she's treated me before and I wouldn't necessarily have to go through everything again. If it becomes apparent that I have gotten all I can get from her, then she'll be able to give me a more personal referral than someone who doesn't know me/my history. I was thinking about WHY it felt like I hit a plateau with her before, and I think it's because I didn't know what I wanted. So this time, I'm going to walk in there with clear goals of things I want to learn/accomplish and overcome. I'm terrified...but I know I need to try this again.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
I'm too terrified to post this on Facebook, so I'm posting it here...
As most, if not all of you know, Robin Williams took his life this week. This has hit me, HARD. Let me explain something; I have a hard time hearing about stories of those who have taken their life, or those who have attempted. This is not because I'm cold and heartless or because I don't care; it's because they're very triggering for me. Those stories are real for me, the feelings those people feel are so real and raw for me. It reminds me of the two attempts I have in my past. It reminds me of the constant thoughts of taking my life that consume my entire being. (Though, just to be clear, this is not the case if someone were to come to me and say they were feeling that way and asking for help. I would instantly be there for them and talk to them and try to get them the help they need).
So Monday night I get on facebook and instantly my news feed is filled with stories about Robin Williams death, in addition to other articles/stories about depression and suicide. Instant trigger. But what was more than that, was the CRUEL and AWFUL comments everyone was making. Not just on the article comments themselves, but also the posts and remarks from people in my own life. It felt like I was being stabbed in the heart. I know depression is wildly misunderstood, but these comments were so far beyond that, they were just flat out judgmental, cruel, and nasty. I know none of those comments were directed at me personally, but as I was reading them, it felt like they were. It made me HATE myself (even more than I already do). It made me angry and frustrated and hate myself because this "depression is a choice" and because I can't just "think happy" or "snap out of it" (I posted an entry a little while ago related to this aspect).
There were a couple comments that seemed to be repeated that really bothered me more than others. But one of them was a comment someone allegedly made on their blog. I saw a headline regarding The Matt Walsh blog or whatever (I don't read this blog but I know it's pretty popular???) and a comment he made saying that suicide was a choice. That just really hurt. He doesn't get it. Depression is a DISEASE, it's an ILLNESS. There are things going on, things that are wrong with your brain that keep you from being able to function properly. Telling people with depression to just be happy or snap out of it, is like telling someone with cancer to just be healthy, just snap out of it and make the cancer go away. It doesn't work that way. Fighting cancer, getting treatment, hanging on to life is exhausting; and so it is with depression. But the normal healthy person can't fully understand unless they've had cancer, unless they've had depression (or someone very close to them has). To the normal healthy person, suicide may seem like a choice. But just as someone dying from cancer isn't a choice, to a very depressed person, suicide isn't a choice either. When you have depression, you are so exhausted from fighting for your life, the depression consumes your mind, your entire being. It is an illness! Your brain is being affected and you're not in the right state of mind, suicide begins to feel like the only choice, like the only way out and you can't see anything else. You don't necessarily want to die, but it appears to be the only option. What else are you supposed to do? The depression takes over everything and you feel like you're no longer in control. I've had two suicide attempts, those nights, suicide did not feel like a choice, it felt like the only way. Somehow, the depression lifted by just a tiny milimeter and I was able to realize what was happening and stop and call someone for help. But if it hadn't lifted, I probably would not have survived. I continue to fight DAILY thoughts and desires to end my life. A couple of people know this and I'm grateful that those who do, know me well enough to realize when I'm sliding down that slope and help pull me up and keep me safe when I don't realize that's where I was headed.
There is also a quote I found some time ago that seems to explain it fairly well-
I don't know if much of this made sense, I just wish people could understand some more about depression. It's hurtful and frustrating to hear people say these awful things when they have no idea what they're talking about. I really wanted to be able to post this on my own facebook page, sharing my experience, but I'm just not ready to do that. While many people know I suffer from depression, or am "having a very hard time right now", not many know of my self-harm, suicide attempts or current suicidal feelings and I'm not ready yet to just put it out there. I hope people begin to realize what they're saying at that maybe they should back off and realize that they have no idea what someone may have been/is dealing with or experiencing or feeling. Please don't automatically judge those, people have compassion, people realize the truly awful place they must have been in to end their life, no matter how selfish it may seem. For people to want to end their life, and then to act on it...they're in a very dark place. Please just try to be a friend who loves and if you know someone who is depressed or suicidal, be there for them. I don't mean to take it on by yourself, that's not good or fair for either one of you. But help them reach out to the professional help they made need, tell them you love them and value them. Help them get out of their house, take them a meal, text/call them to tell them you're thinking of them. It doesn't have to be a big gesture, believe me, even the small things help. Please watch out for your own well being. If you don't feel your well being is safe (especially if you yourself struggle with those things and it triggers or causes you more distress), explain to them that it's a bit much for you to handle at the moment, tell them you're sorry, that you love them and then call someone else who would be able to help them and be there for them.
So Monday night I get on facebook and instantly my news feed is filled with stories about Robin Williams death, in addition to other articles/stories about depression and suicide. Instant trigger. But what was more than that, was the CRUEL and AWFUL comments everyone was making. Not just on the article comments themselves, but also the posts and remarks from people in my own life. It felt like I was being stabbed in the heart. I know depression is wildly misunderstood, but these comments were so far beyond that, they were just flat out judgmental, cruel, and nasty. I know none of those comments were directed at me personally, but as I was reading them, it felt like they were. It made me HATE myself (even more than I already do). It made me angry and frustrated and hate myself because this "depression is a choice" and because I can't just "think happy" or "snap out of it" (I posted an entry a little while ago related to this aspect).
There were a couple comments that seemed to be repeated that really bothered me more than others. But one of them was a comment someone allegedly made on their blog. I saw a headline regarding The Matt Walsh blog or whatever (I don't read this blog but I know it's pretty popular???) and a comment he made saying that suicide was a choice. That just really hurt. He doesn't get it. Depression is a DISEASE, it's an ILLNESS. There are things going on, things that are wrong with your brain that keep you from being able to function properly. Telling people with depression to just be happy or snap out of it, is like telling someone with cancer to just be healthy, just snap out of it and make the cancer go away. It doesn't work that way. Fighting cancer, getting treatment, hanging on to life is exhausting; and so it is with depression. But the normal healthy person can't fully understand unless they've had cancer, unless they've had depression (or someone very close to them has). To the normal healthy person, suicide may seem like a choice. But just as someone dying from cancer isn't a choice, to a very depressed person, suicide isn't a choice either. When you have depression, you are so exhausted from fighting for your life, the depression consumes your mind, your entire being. It is an illness! Your brain is being affected and you're not in the right state of mind, suicide begins to feel like the only choice, like the only way out and you can't see anything else. You don't necessarily want to die, but it appears to be the only option. What else are you supposed to do? The depression takes over everything and you feel like you're no longer in control. I've had two suicide attempts, those nights, suicide did not feel like a choice, it felt like the only way. Somehow, the depression lifted by just a tiny milimeter and I was able to realize what was happening and stop and call someone for help. But if it hadn't lifted, I probably would not have survived. I continue to fight DAILY thoughts and desires to end my life. A couple of people know this and I'm grateful that those who do, know me well enough to realize when I'm sliding down that slope and help pull me up and keep me safe when I don't realize that's where I was headed.
There is also a quote I found some time ago that seems to explain it fairly well-
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” -David Foster Wallace
I don't know if much of this made sense, I just wish people could understand some more about depression. It's hurtful and frustrating to hear people say these awful things when they have no idea what they're talking about. I really wanted to be able to post this on my own facebook page, sharing my experience, but I'm just not ready to do that. While many people know I suffer from depression, or am "having a very hard time right now", not many know of my self-harm, suicide attempts or current suicidal feelings and I'm not ready yet to just put it out there. I hope people begin to realize what they're saying at that maybe they should back off and realize that they have no idea what someone may have been/is dealing with or experiencing or feeling. Please don't automatically judge those, people have compassion, people realize the truly awful place they must have been in to end their life, no matter how selfish it may seem. For people to want to end their life, and then to act on it...they're in a very dark place. Please just try to be a friend who loves and if you know someone who is depressed or suicidal, be there for them. I don't mean to take it on by yourself, that's not good or fair for either one of you. But help them reach out to the professional help they made need, tell them you love them and value them. Help them get out of their house, take them a meal, text/call them to tell them you're thinking of them. It doesn't have to be a big gesture, believe me, even the small things help. Please watch out for your own well being. If you don't feel your well being is safe (especially if you yourself struggle with those things and it triggers or causes you more distress), explain to them that it's a bit much for you to handle at the moment, tell them you're sorry, that you love them and then call someone else who would be able to help them and be there for them.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Feeling Alone
(Just a heads up, this is probably a very "Debbie Downer" kind of post. Sorry)
I've been feeling incredibly alone lately. Almost more so than ever before. It seems like everyone is busy and away lately. Don't get me wrong, I understand. People have lives, I don't expect every single person to be there for me every second of the day, I don't expect anyone at all to be there for me every second. There has also been plenty of times I haven't been alone; but lately, things have been very dark and scary for me, I've been feeling awful and not only am I alone a lot, but those times seem to be 100x more intense than usual. It's especially bad at night (maybe because I expect to be alone during the day). I work an overnight job (which really doesn't help things at all) and I'm only working 1 or 2 nights a week. I haven't been able to get more hours and I haven't had any luck getting a new job. Not too long ago, I was hanging out with my best friend 4-5 evenings a week. Even nights with church activities, we'd meet up for a couple hours beforehand, have dinner, relax etc; and then we'd hang out for an hour or two after said activity. But recently, his schedule has changed, he's had to take on some more obligations and because of it, his sleep schedule is also different. I completely understand all of this, but it SUCKS. Now, most of the time, the only hang out time I get with him, is like an hour before a church activity (twice a week) to have dinner, just "being" with him during church or church activity and that's about it. I don't even get to talk to him as much anymore. It was a pretty sudden change and it really sucks. I miss him :-( He recently had car trouble and so I helped him out with some stuff and even though the circumstances weren't ideal (for him) I was grateful for the extra time I had with him. My roommate has been busy with her boyfriend in the evenings, and while I've seen her a few times this week and got to hang out one night, she's still gone most of the time. Two of my friends in the branch that I've been close to over the past 4 years (who got married about 2 years ago) are moving out of the state in about a week. Other friends have been out of the area for the summer or just busy with other things. It just sucks big time and most nights I end up curled up in a ball on my bed sobbing feeling alone.
My prayers have been very desperate lately. Pleading to not feel lonely, to feel some sort of comfort. Pleading for the darkness to go away, even just for a short time (some relief is better than no relief). But I feel like nothing is happening. Well, I suppose I shouldn't say that exactly. The fact that I've still been able to fight (no matter how much I don't want too) against my addiction, or even just to not end my life, can only be because of my Heavenly Father and Savior. My strength and energy wore out a long time ago, whatever I have now, is not my own. I recognize and acknowledge that, and I'm grateful for that. But I still have this achy lonely feeling and it sucks that in my darkest moments of depression, when I need to really feel the Spirit the most, I can't. Can I just say something? Depressions SUCKS!!!! It is awful and agonizing and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. When I came back to church about 4 years ago, I started reading a lot of books regarding depression and the church and trying to understand things and everything and I'm really trying to understand the things, like the difficulty to feel the Spirit because of depression is a very real thing and it's so hard because when I'm in the darkest point of despair, drowning in my mind in desires to end my life, when I need the Spirit the MOST, I can't always feel it...it's those nights that I end up in bed, curled up in a ball sobbing pleading with Heavenly Father just to take my life because the darkness is so unbearable.
I have been struggling so much just to function or stand up on my own two feet. Struggling to wake up in the mornings, to take care of myself, to shower or eat, to not lie in bed all day, to try to workout, to do my school work, to go to church activities etc etc etc. I'm just in this rut and I'm trying to pull myself out and it's not working. My arms are flailing around for a life preserver because I know there's supposed to be one there (the Lord) but I can't seem to find it.
I really just want to be done. I want to be happy, I don't want to darkness of this depression anymore, but I feel hopeless. It feels like it's never going to change. My medicine isn't doing any good, I can't do much more in terms of doctors/therapy because I don't have the money/financial grounding for it, but I can't find a new job or get more hours at work (not that I'd be able to handle much more, even a couple of nights is hard for me, but mostly because of the overnight aspect and the environment there). I can't just "think happy thoughts" and the whole thing is just much more frustrating than I'm able to express at the moment.
Sorry for the downer kind of post. I just needed to try to get something out try to find a place where maybe I wouldn't feel quite as alone.
I have been struggling so much just to function or stand up on my own two feet. Struggling to wake up in the mornings, to take care of myself, to shower or eat, to not lie in bed all day, to try to workout, to do my school work, to go to church activities etc etc etc. I'm just in this rut and I'm trying to pull myself out and it's not working. My arms are flailing around for a life preserver because I know there's supposed to be one there (the Lord) but I can't seem to find it.
I really just want to be done. I want to be happy, I don't want to darkness of this depression anymore, but I feel hopeless. It feels like it's never going to change. My medicine isn't doing any good, I can't do much more in terms of doctors/therapy because I don't have the money/financial grounding for it, but I can't find a new job or get more hours at work (not that I'd be able to handle much more, even a couple of nights is hard for me, but mostly because of the overnight aspect and the environment there). I can't just "think happy thoughts" and the whole thing is just much more frustrating than I'm able to express at the moment.
Sorry for the downer kind of post. I just needed to try to get something out try to find a place where maybe I wouldn't feel quite as alone.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Anyone else?
I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, so I have been so completely exhausted. I've also been trying to work out more and I've been helping a friend this week deep clean his apartment and move furniture getting ready for a new roommate. So I've been at my emotional breaking point. Those mental and emotional walls break down a lot easier when I'm tired, then add in all the physical labor, and it really breaks them down fast. I've been slowly getting sick, which also makes me tired. And my doctor changed my medicine dosage this week so I'm dealing with fun twists and turns from that.
And all of this makes it harder to fight the addiction. Does anyone else notice that? That being overly tired and/or being sick seems to basically just be a trigger in itself. It's already hard to fight everything even when I'm fully functional and not tired. But now all my energy and strength is gone and my shields and defenses are down. I continue to fight as hard as I can, and I'm trying to consciously make the decision to keep fighting, but I just keep feeling like it's going to happen sooner or later, so why not just get it over with. I know I shouldn't think like that, I keep trying to focus on how many days that I have felt like I wasn't going to survive but somehow managed to come out on the other side. But right now, I just don't care. I'm sitting at work (I work overnights at the front desk of a hotel) and I'm alone, I'm tired, I keep breaking down and I could really just use a hug right now. I'm sick of this dark, scary place I'm in. I want the darkness and this pain to go away, I want it to end and I feel desperate enough to do anything to make it happen. :-/ It sucks feeling like this.
Right now, I am dreading church today. I don't feel good, I don't want to be around people, and I just don't want to go. But I know I have too. It's just exhausting. See, I don't go home after I get off work at 7am. I know if I do, I'll either fall asleep and sleep through my alarms, or I'll talk myself into not going to church. So instead, I go straight to the church building when I get off work Sunday mornings. I nap in my car until the Branch President shows up, then I go inside and nap in the foyer, or talk with his wife (who I'm kind of close too). Church is at 11am so the earliest I get to go home to sleep is 2pm. However, I often end up having dinner with my best friend and then we have ARP meeting in the evening so it's usually 8 or 9pm before I get to go home after working all night. Even when I don't work Saturday nights, I still get up at 7 or 8am and get ready and go to the building because the longer I am awake and at home, the more time (and more likely it is) that I'll convince myself not to go and just hide in bed. To me, this is a very big sacrifice, especially on mornings like this, and I hope by making church such a priority, that it shows the Lord I care, even if sometimes I really don't want to be there.
And all of this makes it harder to fight the addiction. Does anyone else notice that? That being overly tired and/or being sick seems to basically just be a trigger in itself. It's already hard to fight everything even when I'm fully functional and not tired. But now all my energy and strength is gone and my shields and defenses are down. I continue to fight as hard as I can, and I'm trying to consciously make the decision to keep fighting, but I just keep feeling like it's going to happen sooner or later, so why not just get it over with. I know I shouldn't think like that, I keep trying to focus on how many days that I have felt like I wasn't going to survive but somehow managed to come out on the other side. But right now, I just don't care. I'm sitting at work (I work overnights at the front desk of a hotel) and I'm alone, I'm tired, I keep breaking down and I could really just use a hug right now. I'm sick of this dark, scary place I'm in. I want the darkness and this pain to go away, I want it to end and I feel desperate enough to do anything to make it happen. :-/ It sucks feeling like this.
Right now, I am dreading church today. I don't feel good, I don't want to be around people, and I just don't want to go. But I know I have too. It's just exhausting. See, I don't go home after I get off work at 7am. I know if I do, I'll either fall asleep and sleep through my alarms, or I'll talk myself into not going to church. So instead, I go straight to the church building when I get off work Sunday mornings. I nap in my car until the Branch President shows up, then I go inside and nap in the foyer, or talk with his wife (who I'm kind of close too). Church is at 11am so the earliest I get to go home to sleep is 2pm. However, I often end up having dinner with my best friend and then we have ARP meeting in the evening so it's usually 8 or 9pm before I get to go home after working all night. Even when I don't work Saturday nights, I still get up at 7 or 8am and get ready and go to the building because the longer I am awake and at home, the more time (and more likely it is) that I'll convince myself not to go and just hide in bed. To me, this is a very big sacrifice, especially on mornings like this, and I hope by making church such a priority, that it shows the Lord I care, even if sometimes I really don't want to be there.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
*Insert eerie music*
You know those parts in the movies when they start playing eerie/dooming music when something bad/crazy is about to happen? I feel like that is playing in the background of my life right now. Not just in regards to me, but also a close friend of mine. Something has seemed off with them lately, they haven't seemed quite themselves and I feel like something is around the corner, not necessarily addiction related. I just feel like something is up and they're not telling me. It makes me worry about them. Not to mention I feel like the dam in my own life is about ready to burst any moment. *Insert dooming/eerie music*
On another note, I've been a bit frustrated lately. There have been some comments from people the past few weeks that have made me feel like I need to start shutting myself down. Most of the comments have been from people who just don't really understand depression and things, but some of the comments have been from some people who are close to me that are generally patient and caring. While they haven't specifically expressed that they're frustrated with me, I can tell from their comments. Today was a rough day in terms of trying to plaster a face on and by the time I got home tonight, I just crashed. I ended up writing the following in some big freak out (I'm actually debating posting it on facebook, minus the more specific stuff I don't generally share with people (like about hurting myself and such). So here's what I ended up with this evening-----
Just be happy.
Just smile.
Be more righteous.
Just choose to be happy.
Obviously it’s all my fault. It’s my fault I feel the way I do, and struggle the way I do. Because all I have to do to fix it is to just “be happy” and “smile”. It’s a choice. And because I struggle, it’s because I’ve CHOOSEN too. WHO IN THEIR FREAKIN RIGHT MIND WOULD CHOOSE THIS?!?!?!?! It’s awful. It’s overwhelming. It’s UNBEARABLE. Don’t you think if it were that freakin easy I would have just “chosen” to be happy by now? It’s like telling someone with cancer to just be healthy and cancer free. No one would ever say something like that to someone with cancer; but because people don’t understand depression, or because it’s not necessarily as much of a “physical” thing, they think telling someone to “just be happy” (aka “just be healthy”) will make it go away. If it were that easy, I WOULDN’T BE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!! I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!! Do you know how HARD it is to smile at all when your mind is consumed with how much you want to end your life, and how/when to do so?!?! I get it, it can be frustrating for the people around me. But believe me, all the frustration other people feel, I feel about 10x more frustrated. It’s become more and more obvious I just need to plaster on face when I’m outside my bedroom…it seems to be what would be best, before I frustrate the people around me so much that they’re out of my life, I’ve done that enough before. But doing so for more than hour is so physically and mentally exhausting. It takes everything I have to do so, and I’m already spending everything I have to not do things like hurt myself or end my life. It doesn’t make sense, and I don’t understand why, but it’s easier to fake it and plaster a face when I’m ‘actively’ hurting myself (not fighting it). I want to be happy. I don’t want to feel this way. I’m doing my best to get into an exercise routine/groove in order to help. I’m seeing a doctor, something I HATE, to try to help. I’m on medicine, which I also HATE, to try to help. I can’t stand all the darkness, it’s so unbearable and I’m desperate to end my life just to make it go away; and half the time, I don’t even know what the darkness is (nothing in particular has to be going on and it’s still this awful darkness.) Why would you think, if all I had to do was smile and be happy, that I would choose this instead? I’m doing the best I can, fighting things with everything I have in me, it’s hard and exhausting, but I’m still alive…that should count for something shouldn’t it? I don’t want to frustrate the people around me. It just seems easier to put up a face.
On another note, I've been a bit frustrated lately. There have been some comments from people the past few weeks that have made me feel like I need to start shutting myself down. Most of the comments have been from people who just don't really understand depression and things, but some of the comments have been from some people who are close to me that are generally patient and caring. While they haven't specifically expressed that they're frustrated with me, I can tell from their comments. Today was a rough day in terms of trying to plaster a face on and by the time I got home tonight, I just crashed. I ended up writing the following in some big freak out (I'm actually debating posting it on facebook, minus the more specific stuff I don't generally share with people (like about hurting myself and such). So here's what I ended up with this evening-----
Just be happy.
Just smile.
Be more righteous.
Just choose to be happy.
Obviously it’s all my fault. It’s my fault I feel the way I do, and struggle the way I do. Because all I have to do to fix it is to just “be happy” and “smile”. It’s a choice. And because I struggle, it’s because I’ve CHOOSEN too. WHO IN THEIR FREAKIN RIGHT MIND WOULD CHOOSE THIS?!?!?!?! It’s awful. It’s overwhelming. It’s UNBEARABLE. Don’t you think if it were that freakin easy I would have just “chosen” to be happy by now? It’s like telling someone with cancer to just be healthy and cancer free. No one would ever say something like that to someone with cancer; but because people don’t understand depression, or because it’s not necessarily as much of a “physical” thing, they think telling someone to “just be happy” (aka “just be healthy”) will make it go away. If it were that easy, I WOULDN’T BE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!! I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!! Do you know how HARD it is to smile at all when your mind is consumed with how much you want to end your life, and how/when to do so?!?! I get it, it can be frustrating for the people around me. But believe me, all the frustration other people feel, I feel about 10x more frustrated. It’s become more and more obvious I just need to plaster on face when I’m outside my bedroom…it seems to be what would be best, before I frustrate the people around me so much that they’re out of my life, I’ve done that enough before. But doing so for more than hour is so physically and mentally exhausting. It takes everything I have to do so, and I’m already spending everything I have to not do things like hurt myself or end my life. It doesn’t make sense, and I don’t understand why, but it’s easier to fake it and plaster a face when I’m ‘actively’ hurting myself (not fighting it). I want to be happy. I don’t want to feel this way. I’m doing my best to get into an exercise routine/groove in order to help. I’m seeing a doctor, something I HATE, to try to help. I’m on medicine, which I also HATE, to try to help. I can’t stand all the darkness, it’s so unbearable and I’m desperate to end my life just to make it go away; and half the time, I don’t even know what the darkness is (nothing in particular has to be going on and it’s still this awful darkness.) Why would you think, if all I had to do was smile and be happy, that I would choose this instead? I’m doing the best I can, fighting things with everything I have in me, it’s hard and exhausting, but I’m still alive…that should count for something shouldn’t it? I don’t want to frustrate the people around me. It just seems easier to put up a face.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Soda Bottle
Most people don't understand the concept of physically hurting yourself. One of the closest "comparisons" I've come up with is to a shaken soda bottle. We've all had those times. A soda bottle is severely shaken and ready to burst from pressure; even the slightest twist of the lid starts to relieve the pressure that has built up, the more you untwist, the more pressure is realized. This is kind of like cutting/hurting yourself. The slightest act of hurting yourself in some way, is like the slightest twist of the soda lid; it begins to relieve all the built up stress and pressure inside, no matter what is causing it.
I'm almost a month "clean" from hurting myself...but everyday is a huge struggle. I feel like everything is just building up behind a faulty dam, and the longer I go without hurting myself, every drop of water gets closer to overflowing that dam. Eventually it's going to flood and I'm going to snap. I'm doing my best to fight everyday.
There's not really a whole lot more to update, just some random things on my mind. I've been slacking on working my recovery and doing my scripture reading. It's really hard to be motivated because often times, I don't notice a difference anyways, so I feel like, "why bother". I need to get back on track and I intend too tonight. Tomorrow will an exciting Sunday. The area I live in has 2 family wards and 1 student branch (with both singles and young marrieds without kids). Well, the family wards share a building, and the student branch has been meeting in the "Spiritual Center" on the university's campus for an incredibly long time now. Last year (after many years of being "close" to it) they finally started construction on our own building and tomorrow is our first Sunday meeting in it, so we're all pretty excited.
If anyone feels like it, I could use some prayers that a potential job opportunity works out for me. I've been working part time after getting my hours cut and for awhile it's been enough, but they're been cutting my hours more and more and my money/financial situation is not good at all. I've been trying to find a new job for over a year and have had plenty of interviews, but nothing has worked out. I've been working on a potential writing opportunity and I should know the beginning of the week what they decide. If this works out, both time wise and money wise it would be perfect so I'm really hoping things go well.
I'm almost a month "clean" from hurting myself...but everyday is a huge struggle. I feel like everything is just building up behind a faulty dam, and the longer I go without hurting myself, every drop of water gets closer to overflowing that dam. Eventually it's going to flood and I'm going to snap. I'm doing my best to fight everyday.
There's not really a whole lot more to update, just some random things on my mind. I've been slacking on working my recovery and doing my scripture reading. It's really hard to be motivated because often times, I don't notice a difference anyways, so I feel like, "why bother". I need to get back on track and I intend too tonight. Tomorrow will an exciting Sunday. The area I live in has 2 family wards and 1 student branch (with both singles and young marrieds without kids). Well, the family wards share a building, and the student branch has been meeting in the "Spiritual Center" on the university's campus for an incredibly long time now. Last year (after many years of being "close" to it) they finally started construction on our own building and tomorrow is our first Sunday meeting in it, so we're all pretty excited.
If anyone feels like it, I could use some prayers that a potential job opportunity works out for me. I've been working part time after getting my hours cut and for awhile it's been enough, but they're been cutting my hours more and more and my money/financial situation is not good at all. I've been trying to find a new job for over a year and have had plenty of interviews, but nothing has worked out. I've been working on a potential writing opportunity and I should know the beginning of the week what they decide. If this works out, both time wise and money wise it would be perfect so I'm really hoping things go well.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Tender Mercies
I haven't been doing as well with scripture reading and "working" my recovery as much as I should be these days. I could list some reasons why I've been busy but really, I just haven't been making time. I haven't felt like, so I've been slacking. This is the attitude I need to avoid. It's hard enough to fight things as it is...if I slack off too much, it's going to get worse.
Anyways, I was doing some thinking today and my mind wandered to the topic of tender mercies. Suffering with depression, feeling the spirit can often be difficult, especially in the darkest moments when I need it most. But I do have things/people/events in my life that remind me that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is aware of me. There have been things like texts from my best friend just at the right moment, an email from a friend who's away for the summer that simply says "I was just thinking about you. Love ya!", etc etc etc. The #1 thing that serves as a reminder to me is my friendship with my best friend. The manner in how we became friends is a little random, but looking back at our friendship, it is obvious that Heavenly Father placed us in each other's lives right when we needed each other the most, and were able to be there for each other in a way that no one else could have. Looking back at some events in my life that happened that caused me to be in this location at this time, have always frustrated me in the past...but it has become beyond obvious there was a reason why going to school in Florida didn't happen like I had dreamt, why my attempts to come back to church weren't successful before my attempt in summer 2010 finally was. The friendship is constantly a source of tender mercies to me. I can feel the love and care my best friend has for me, and at times, I can even feel the love my Savior and Heavenly Father have for me through him as well (if that makes sense?).
To go along with that scripture, and one of my favorite quotes about tender mercies, from Elder David A Bednar:
Some time ago, I began writing down tender mercies I witnessed in my life in my journal. I then also use those little post it tags to mark the pages where I recorded a tender mercy, so anytime I need reminding, I can easily turn to a page and be reminded of the things in my life. I strongly encourage others to do this. It has been such a great blessing in my life to do so; not just record them, but mark them so you can easily find them. I urge you to give it a try. <3
Anyways, I was doing some thinking today and my mind wandered to the topic of tender mercies. Suffering with depression, feeling the spirit can often be difficult, especially in the darkest moments when I need it most. But I do have things/people/events in my life that remind me that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is aware of me. There have been things like texts from my best friend just at the right moment, an email from a friend who's away for the summer that simply says "I was just thinking about you. Love ya!", etc etc etc. The #1 thing that serves as a reminder to me is my friendship with my best friend. The manner in how we became friends is a little random, but looking back at our friendship, it is obvious that Heavenly Father placed us in each other's lives right when we needed each other the most, and were able to be there for each other in a way that no one else could have. Looking back at some events in my life that happened that caused me to be in this location at this time, have always frustrated me in the past...but it has become beyond obvious there was a reason why going to school in Florida didn't happen like I had dreamt, why my attempts to come back to church weren't successful before my attempt in summer 2010 finally was. The friendship is constantly a source of tender mercies to me. I can feel the love and care my best friend has for me, and at times, I can even feel the love my Savior and Heavenly Father have for me through him as well (if that makes sense?).
"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." -1 Nephi 1:20
To go along with that scripture, and one of my favorite quotes about tender mercies, from Elder David A Bednar:
"The Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strengths, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindness, consolation, support and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. . . .The Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness, obedience and humility invite tender mercies into our lives and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings."
Some time ago, I began writing down tender mercies I witnessed in my life in my journal. I then also use those little post it tags to mark the pages where I recorded a tender mercy, so anytime I need reminding, I can easily turn to a page and be reminded of the things in my life. I strongly encourage others to do this. It has been such a great blessing in my life to do so; not just record them, but mark them so you can easily find them. I urge you to give it a try. <3
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
It was MY race...and I crossed the finish line!
Well, Sunday morning was my 5k. My friend and I left town at 3am, we drove about 3 and half hours to get there. I had been preparing for this. I wasn't as prepared as I would have liked because of some recent struggles...but I felt confident I could at least cross the finish line. Until I got the starting line and saw the ENORMOUS hill in front of me, and no, that's not a metaphor. This course was incredibly challenging. In the first mile alone, probably about 3/4 of it was uphill, a steep, long hill. The rest of the course was incredibly hilly as well. Given who was "sponsoring" the race, I expected the course to be more encouraging. To be a course that those of all (most) fitness levels and beginners/first timers (such as myself) could manage. Even the friend I was with, an avid runner, said it was one of the most challenging courses he's ever traveled and there has been a lot of discussion from the other participants about how brutal it was.
I made it up about a quarter of the way the hill (or less) before I began having to rest every 10 or 20 feet. I quickly felt very sick and light headed/dizzy and like I was going to pass out and I began having to sit on the side of the road and rest for a few minutes pretty often. I wasn't even at the top of the hill when the first runners began making their way back down towards the finish line. As I progressed, while everyone else was on their way back to the finish line, they were cheering me on, high fiving me, making sure I was okay when I was resting, and stopped to pass along a water bottle. The sense of community and support really moved and inspired me. My friend continued to push me, encourage me to try not to rest, or push me farther before I did. He supported me and cheered me on. He would walk backwards in front of me so that I could look at him, he told me to only look at him, not to look beyond him, just focus on those few feet in front of me and listen to his voice. He was very soothing and calming, telling a story and encouraging me and helped calm my breathing when I was short of breath. After a very slow pace, and many many rests, I made it to mile 2. I still have several hills to get through before the finish line and I continued to feel sick and like I was going to pass out, I was legitimately worried about my health. During that rest, there happened to be one of the volunteers on a shuttle going by and stopped and asked if I was okay and if I needed a ride. I really wanted to finish the whole thing, but it was beyond my physical limits...but I didn't want to "give up". The volunteer suggested if he just shuttled me back to the top of that first hill (the huge one from the beginning) and I finish on foot and cross the finish line (going down that huge hill I climbed up at the start...there was still one smallish hill to overcome as you cross). So I took the compromise and was shuttled for somewhere between 1/2 and a 3/4 of a mile. I was the very last 5k finisher and it was probably the hardest physical thing I've ever done in my life...
But I crossed the finish line!!!
I received a medal and as I was recovering, lots of people walked me who remembered seeing me out there and stopped to congratulate me. (There was also a half marathon and and those runners were also included in the ones who cheered me on//congratulated me on and off the course). Had this been a less hilly course, things would have gone differently. In fact, at the end of the summer, I am planning (hoping) to do my own 5k, just so I can prove to myself I can, and feel better about this one. I checked the time at the end of the race, but I didn't share it with anyone because 1. It was a little embarrassing, there were the insane hills that I wasn't prepared for and I had to rest a lot, but more importantly 2. The time was never important. It was about finishing.
That night while lying in bed (and ever since then) there are two "voices" fighting in my head-
Voice 1- Proud, Accomplishment etc
"You crossed the finish line. You may have rested, a lot, and you may have "cheated" a portion of it...but you finished a MAJORITY of it, and even considering what you didn't do, you conquered that huge hill; that in and of itself is an accomplishment. I'm proud of myself."
Voice 2- Self loathing, worthless, failure
"You couldn't even do the whole course. You had to rest like every 10 feet, if that. You don't deserve any of the encouragement or congratulations that people have been giving you. Your parents are right. No wonder why they see you the way you do."
When I shared these things with my friend who was with me that day, he responded with this:
"You deserve every accolade voice #1 is giving you. As for voice #2, it has the power to tear your down or build you up. You get to decide. Many believed you'd NEVER attempt a 5K. You just walked one of the most challenging course that I.... have ever traversed! Do you want to know why voice #2 is so believable and overpowering? Because though it be a web of lies, there are a few sparse silken strands of truth in it. That is the great deception: to get you to accept the mess of lies because of one tiny truth. Did you complete all 3.1 miles of the course? No, but you completed ~2.4 miles of it. Did you rest every 10 feet? During some portions, other portions you kept going beyond that. Are your parents right? ... about what? not having the courage to cross the starting line? not having the humility to follow an encouraging, believing voice beyond your limitations? not having the resolve to start a marvelous journey of self-discovery and healing? Really, what exactly are.... they "right" about?
Do you deserve the encouragement and accolades? Maybe not for that portion that we were in the shuttle. But, a resounding YES for all the rest!
This was YOUR race. Not theirs. YOURS.
Your race was to get up that hill.
Your race was to get down the other side.
Your race was to walk that long stretch in the middle.
Your race was to walk up those hills around the course.
Your race was to pick your self back up time and time again, when the world was spinning and you were concerned it wouldn't stop.
Your race was to keep your breathing under control, pacing yourself, and keeping one foot in front of the next.
Your race was to press upon and break through your self-imposed mental limitations.
Your race was to accept the compromise to take the shuttle part way, as opposed to the rest of the way, and complete the last stretch on FOOT.
Your race was to cross that finish line and have that medal adorned upon your neck.
And that medal is symbolic of every sentence in this paragraph that begins with "your race." And that is what everyone was congratulating you for and encouraging you through out. Many saw themselves in you. They KNOW how difficult it was for you. It is something I can only imagine. But they KNOW. And because they know, your deserve their encouragement all the more."
(Boldness, sizing and separation of sentences done by me)
He then challenged me with this thought: "So what will voice #2 mean to you? A coercion to accept the tangle of lies and give up. Or an opportunity to extract the resolve of those small strands of truth to learn from the experience and grow from it. Metaphorically, you are in YOUR race through life. You've completed a most challenging stretch. You have available to you a patch of grass in the shade. You can stay there and forfeit the rest of your life's walk. Or you can rest up, resolve, get back to your feet and keep moving forward."
I mentioned last week the connections I saw between the 5k coming up and my trials and struggles. And now, I see them even more. Every time I rested on that course, I eventually got up again. I kept going. I keep falling down in my trials/struggles, I'm exhausted and frustrated and I want to quit. I need to keep getting back up on my feet and keep moving forward.
Aside from all this, tonight has been another difficult night. It was a night that I was in an unsafe position to be alone, but most of the people I reach out too are out of town, or were busy and couldn't hang out and couldn't really talk. So I was at home all night alone in very dark thoughts and desperate to let the darkness win. I prayed, sobbing and pleading with Heavenly Father just to take my life because it feels so unbearable. I prayed to be able to get a hold of somebody and not be alone when I felt unsafe. I still couldn't get a hold of anyone, and I feel incredibly alone right now. I want to feel the Spirit, I want to not feel so alone in these dark moments. The moments where I question my existence, when I want to give in to hurting myself, when I feel like everyone around me would be better off without me around. I've even considered going to the hospital...but there are many roadblocks and fears preventing me from doing so.
In these darkest moments, it's hard to see the things I work hard at holding on to. I'm blinded by the darkness. All I want is a way out and I can only see one way.
Thus far this evening, I've held strong, and I know that strength isn't mine at the moment. So even though I can't necessarily feel the Spirit at the moment, I know I'm being given some extra strength to make it through the night. Tomorrow is another day.
I made it up about a quarter of the way the hill (or less) before I began having to rest every 10 or 20 feet. I quickly felt very sick and light headed/dizzy and like I was going to pass out and I began having to sit on the side of the road and rest for a few minutes pretty often. I wasn't even at the top of the hill when the first runners began making their way back down towards the finish line. As I progressed, while everyone else was on their way back to the finish line, they were cheering me on, high fiving me, making sure I was okay when I was resting, and stopped to pass along a water bottle. The sense of community and support really moved and inspired me. My friend continued to push me, encourage me to try not to rest, or push me farther before I did. He supported me and cheered me on. He would walk backwards in front of me so that I could look at him, he told me to only look at him, not to look beyond him, just focus on those few feet in front of me and listen to his voice. He was very soothing and calming, telling a story and encouraging me and helped calm my breathing when I was short of breath. After a very slow pace, and many many rests, I made it to mile 2. I still have several hills to get through before the finish line and I continued to feel sick and like I was going to pass out, I was legitimately worried about my health. During that rest, there happened to be one of the volunteers on a shuttle going by and stopped and asked if I was okay and if I needed a ride. I really wanted to finish the whole thing, but it was beyond my physical limits...but I didn't want to "give up". The volunteer suggested if he just shuttled me back to the top of that first hill (the huge one from the beginning) and I finish on foot and cross the finish line (going down that huge hill I climbed up at the start...there was still one smallish hill to overcome as you cross). So I took the compromise and was shuttled for somewhere between 1/2 and a 3/4 of a mile. I was the very last 5k finisher and it was probably the hardest physical thing I've ever done in my life...
But I crossed the finish line!!!
I received a medal and as I was recovering, lots of people walked me who remembered seeing me out there and stopped to congratulate me. (There was also a half marathon and and those runners were also included in the ones who cheered me on//congratulated me on and off the course). Had this been a less hilly course, things would have gone differently. In fact, at the end of the summer, I am planning (hoping) to do my own 5k, just so I can prove to myself I can, and feel better about this one. I checked the time at the end of the race, but I didn't share it with anyone because 1. It was a little embarrassing, there were the insane hills that I wasn't prepared for and I had to rest a lot, but more importantly 2. The time was never important. It was about finishing.
That night while lying in bed (and ever since then) there are two "voices" fighting in my head-
Voice 1- Proud, Accomplishment etc
"You crossed the finish line. You may have rested, a lot, and you may have "cheated" a portion of it...but you finished a MAJORITY of it, and even considering what you didn't do, you conquered that huge hill; that in and of itself is an accomplishment. I'm proud of myself."
Voice 2- Self loathing, worthless, failure
"You couldn't even do the whole course. You had to rest like every 10 feet, if that. You don't deserve any of the encouragement or congratulations that people have been giving you. Your parents are right. No wonder why they see you the way you do."
When I shared these things with my friend who was with me that day, he responded with this:
"You deserve every accolade voice #1 is giving you. As for voice #2, it has the power to tear your down or build you up. You get to decide. Many believed you'd NEVER attempt a 5K. You just walked one of the most challenging course that I.... have ever traversed! Do you want to know why voice #2 is so believable and overpowering? Because though it be a web of lies, there are a few sparse silken strands of truth in it. That is the great deception: to get you to accept the mess of lies because of one tiny truth. Did you complete all 3.1 miles of the course? No, but you completed ~2.4 miles of it. Did you rest every 10 feet? During some portions, other portions you kept going beyond that. Are your parents right? ... about what? not having the courage to cross the starting line? not having the humility to follow an encouraging, believing voice beyond your limitations? not having the resolve to start a marvelous journey of self-discovery and healing? Really, what exactly are.... they "right" about?
Do you deserve the encouragement and accolades? Maybe not for that portion that we were in the shuttle. But, a resounding YES for all the rest!
This was YOUR race. Not theirs. YOURS.
Your race was to get up that hill.
Your race was to get down the other side.
Your race was to walk that long stretch in the middle.
Your race was to walk up those hills around the course.
Your race was to pick your self back up time and time again, when the world was spinning and you were concerned it wouldn't stop.
Your race was to keep your breathing under control, pacing yourself, and keeping one foot in front of the next.
Your race was to press upon and break through your self-imposed mental limitations.
Your race was to accept the compromise to take the shuttle part way, as opposed to the rest of the way, and complete the last stretch on FOOT.
Your race was to cross that finish line and have that medal adorned upon your neck.
And that medal is symbolic of every sentence in this paragraph that begins with "your race." And that is what everyone was congratulating you for and encouraging you through out. Many saw themselves in you. They KNOW how difficult it was for you. It is something I can only imagine. But they KNOW. And because they know, your deserve their encouragement all the more."
(Boldness, sizing and separation of sentences done by me)
He then challenged me with this thought: "So what will voice #2 mean to you? A coercion to accept the tangle of lies and give up. Or an opportunity to extract the resolve of those small strands of truth to learn from the experience and grow from it. Metaphorically, you are in YOUR race through life. You've completed a most challenging stretch. You have available to you a patch of grass in the shade. You can stay there and forfeit the rest of your life's walk. Or you can rest up, resolve, get back to your feet and keep moving forward."
I mentioned last week the connections I saw between the 5k coming up and my trials and struggles. And now, I see them even more. Every time I rested on that course, I eventually got up again. I kept going. I keep falling down in my trials/struggles, I'm exhausted and frustrated and I want to quit. I need to keep getting back up on my feet and keep moving forward.
Aside from all this, tonight has been another difficult night. It was a night that I was in an unsafe position to be alone, but most of the people I reach out too are out of town, or were busy and couldn't hang out and couldn't really talk. So I was at home all night alone in very dark thoughts and desperate to let the darkness win. I prayed, sobbing and pleading with Heavenly Father just to take my life because it feels so unbearable. I prayed to be able to get a hold of somebody and not be alone when I felt unsafe. I still couldn't get a hold of anyone, and I feel incredibly alone right now. I want to feel the Spirit, I want to not feel so alone in these dark moments. The moments where I question my existence, when I want to give in to hurting myself, when I feel like everyone around me would be better off without me around. I've even considered going to the hospital...but there are many roadblocks and fears preventing me from doing so.
In these darkest moments, it's hard to see the things I work hard at holding on to. I'm blinded by the darkness. All I want is a way out and I can only see one way.
Thus far this evening, I've held strong, and I know that strength isn't mine at the moment. So even though I can't necessarily feel the Spirit at the moment, I know I'm being given some extra strength to make it through the night. Tomorrow is another day.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Rough Day/Night...
I've been having a really hard day and evening. It's been a struggle to get out of bed and spend most of the day lying in bed sleeping or sobbing. The urge to not give in and hurt myself has been incredibly hard to resist/fight. Not only that, but the temptation to act on darker things on my mind has been very strong too. Every once in awhile, I decide that it would be best to shut myself down; plaster a smile on my face, pretend everything is great and kind of shut people out. The only person this really affects is my best friend, who gets frustrated when I shut him out, and also knows of the state of my mental mind and the decline that has been occurring, desire to hurt myself, desire to give up etc, so when I don't respond to texts and such, he gets worried :-/. I don't intentionally do it...I just hit this state of mind where I feel like I'm just a burden and overwhelming people and so I feel like I need to shut down. My friend made it clear to me today that if I am unresponsive to texts/messages or phone calls for an impractical period of time, he will come knocking on my door and if I ignore that, he will be calling the police...because he knows exactly where my mind is, what is in my past/what I'm capable of and what I want to do. I appreciate that he cares and what's to do what's best...but I hate that I worry him or make him feel like he has to do those things; and so begins another cycle of wanting to shut down.
My friend also sent me a quote today that I usually try to hold on too in hard times, I really needed the reminded today-
Goodnight everyone. I hope I able to have a "good report" in the morning.
My friend also sent me a quote today that I usually try to hold on too in hard times, I really needed the reminded today-
"Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters - mental or emotional or physical or otherwise - do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are 'like a broken vessel,' as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed." -Elder HollandI feel completely consumed my darkness; I do most of the time. Every step and breath feel impossible. It's like I'm trying to move through quicksand. It's like I'm trying to breathe under water with thousands of pounds of bricks on my chest. It's also difficult to feel the Spirit when you struggle with depression, especially severe depression; so the times I need it most, I feel alone and deserted, even though I know "logically" that isn't the case. I've been rereading some of my posts this week and my journal entries to remind myself some of the things I saw/learned in the scriptures this week...but right now, I'm blinded. I can't see anything else except that "one way" out, and I'm desperate for it. While I'm sure it doesn't make sense to most, one of the reasons why I resort to hurting myself, is because it gives me a tiny bit of relief, even if it's only for a few moments. It gives me a relief long enough to be able to keep going and keep from acting on that "final thought" just a little bit longer. Currently, the only thing keeping me from hurting myself is the fact that I'm writing this, and I know if I act out, my best friend will be incredibly disappointed and that I let him down and I hate that feeling so much. And I hate the feeling that I've let down my Heavenly Father. I've gone just over a week since I last slipped up, I really don't want to slip up again so soon. (Or ever, but you know what I mean.) Last time it happened, it was progress that there weren't multiple slips ups. Usually when I slip up, I struggle for several days with several more slips up before I'm able to "get back on track" and get a few days of "sobriety". *deep breathes* I'm going to go back to working on crocheting an afghan. I have found that while it doesn't necessarily keep my mind busy (so to speak), crocheting keeps my hands busy/distracted and keeps me from acting out for a bit. Hopefully, eventually I'll manage to get to sleep tonight.
Goodnight everyone. I hope I able to have a "good report" in the morning.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
1 week
I am one week "clean" again. Yay!
So in last nights scripture study, I was in 1 Nephi 7, reading about Nephi and Ishmael's family. Lehi was told by the Lord to send Nephi, Sam, Laman, and Lemuel back to Jerusalem to speak to Ishmael and his family. While they were all traveling back to the wilderness; Laman, Lemuel, two of the daughters of Ishmael, two of the sons of Ishmael and their families began to rebel. It is after that that Nephi begins asking them about their testimonies and the things they've experienced:
"How is it that ye are so hard in your hearts, and so blind in your minds?" (vs 8)
"How is it that ye have not hearkened unto the word of the Lord?" (vs 9)
"How is it that ye have forgotten that ye have seen an angel of the Lord?" (vs 10)
"How is it that ye have forgotten what great things the Lord hath done for us?" (vs 11)
I feel like these questions are relevant to me as well, to everyone. How is it I forget to hearken unto the word of the Lord? How is it I have forgotten the great things the Lord has done for me? In my darkest moments, I forget those things. When I am in a storm of temptation, I forget to pick up my scriptures and instead give in to the temptation. Instead of holding onto the good things in my life and the things the Lord has blessed me with, I am holding onto my addiction.
After Nephi asks his brothers those things, there's one more thing he asks... (vs 12) "Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him." If it so be that they exercise faith in him. He then exhorts us; Wherefore, let us be faithful to him. Let us be faithful, and the Lord is able to all things according to his will. How often do we forget this? How often do I forget this?
There's one more thing that happens in their journey back to the wilderness that kind of struck me. After Nephi said all those things, his brothers got angry and tied him up and wanted to take his life. Nephi prayed to the Lord to be delivered and the cords were loosed. He then tried to speak to his brothers again; they tried to take his life again, but they were stopped this time. One of the daughters of Ishmael, her mother, and one of the sons of Ishmael begged with his brethen, and their hearts were softened, they ceased to try to hurt Nephi and they became sorrowful of their wickedness and began to seek forgiveness. The first thing that struck me, was what in the world did they possibly say that managed to soften their hearts? But more than that, what great amount of courage it took for them to stand up to Nephi's brothers? It amazes me.
So in last nights scripture study, I was in 1 Nephi 7, reading about Nephi and Ishmael's family. Lehi was told by the Lord to send Nephi, Sam, Laman, and Lemuel back to Jerusalem to speak to Ishmael and his family. While they were all traveling back to the wilderness; Laman, Lemuel, two of the daughters of Ishmael, two of the sons of Ishmael and their families began to rebel. It is after that that Nephi begins asking them about their testimonies and the things they've experienced:
"How is it that ye are so hard in your hearts, and so blind in your minds?" (vs 8)
"How is it that ye have not hearkened unto the word of the Lord?" (vs 9)
"How is it that ye have forgotten that ye have seen an angel of the Lord?" (vs 10)
"How is it that ye have forgotten what great things the Lord hath done for us?" (vs 11)
I feel like these questions are relevant to me as well, to everyone. How is it I forget to hearken unto the word of the Lord? How is it I have forgotten the great things the Lord has done for me? In my darkest moments, I forget those things. When I am in a storm of temptation, I forget to pick up my scriptures and instead give in to the temptation. Instead of holding onto the good things in my life and the things the Lord has blessed me with, I am holding onto my addiction.
After Nephi asks his brothers those things, there's one more thing he asks... (vs 12) "Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him." If it so be that they exercise faith in him. He then exhorts us; Wherefore, let us be faithful to him. Let us be faithful, and the Lord is able to all things according to his will. How often do we forget this? How often do I forget this?
There's one more thing that happens in their journey back to the wilderness that kind of struck me. After Nephi said all those things, his brothers got angry and tied him up and wanted to take his life. Nephi prayed to the Lord to be delivered and the cords were loosed. He then tried to speak to his brothers again; they tried to take his life again, but they were stopped this time. One of the daughters of Ishmael, her mother, and one of the sons of Ishmael begged with his brethen, and their hearts were softened, they ceased to try to hurt Nephi and they became sorrowful of their wickedness and began to seek forgiveness. The first thing that struck me, was what in the world did they possibly say that managed to soften their hearts? But more than that, what great amount of courage it took for them to stand up to Nephi's brothers? It amazes me.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
5K
I have been severely overweight for most of my life, and there are a lot of things behind it, but that's not the point of this post. About a year I really started to strive to start working out again, and I began walking regularly every day. Eventually, with a good friend of mine who's a runner and has been very supportive and encouraging of me, and I committed to do a 5K, and that 5K is coming up this weekend. Between winter and a lot of other struggles, I'm not nearly as prepared for it as I should be. I'm anxious about how awful it's going to be, how slow I'm going to be, and how embarrassed I'm going to be and I just keep thinking about how I'm going to fail.
But...
As long as I finish, no matter what the time, I will not fail. I will have finished! And you know, it makes me think of this journey of recovery that I'm starting. Looking down the road, it seems long, hard, and awful. It feels impossible because I don't feel prepared for it and I feel like I'm going to fail because the progress is going to be slow. But you know what, one step in front of the other, and as long as I keep working...I will not fail! Seeing this connection kind of makes me excited for the 5K, to jump start more determination of getting back to a workout schedule and to jump start my recovery.
But...
As long as I finish, no matter what the time, I will not fail. I will have finished! And you know, it makes me think of this journey of recovery that I'm starting. Looking down the road, it seems long, hard, and awful. It feels impossible because I don't feel prepared for it and I feel like I'm going to fail because the progress is going to be slow. But you know what, one step in front of the other, and as long as I keep working...I will not fail! Seeing this connection kind of makes me excited for the 5K, to jump start more determination of getting back to a workout schedule and to jump start my recovery.
Alone in the Church?
I've been doing several posts over the past day or two, I'm just excited about this blog up and going and I want to reach out to people and there's a lot of things on my mind and what I want to say.
I appreciate that depression is being talked about in the church a little more often and is slowly becoming a little bit more understood. I left the church once towards the end of high school for about 5 years or so; and it was because of my depression. I was struggling a lot and no matter what I was doing, it didn't feel like anything was changing. In addition to this, so many people in the church around me were making comments like "Well, if you were more worthy of the Spirit you wouldn't feel like that" and "You must have done something to cause it". Clearly, they didn't know or understand anything depression, but I was in a vulnerable state and I began to believe those things and I got so frustrated that I left church. Thankfully, I was able to finally find my way back and to be honest, I wouldn't trade the experience because it taught me a lot. But there are still a lot of people who make those comments and a lot things that aren't understood; that depression is not about will power or happy thoughts etc etc.
But something else that is hard for me, is my struggle with self-harm. That is NEVER talked about, I don't know or have heard about a single other church member who has struggled with something like this. It's so hard not to feel completely alone in the church with struggle. I mean, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I don't want anyone to know what this is like...but...I don't know. I've known people outside of the church who have struggled with it, but it's not completely the same. And other friends I have in the church can understand to a point because of their own struggles that have a few similar parallels. I know I'm not alone, if no one else, I know the Lord knows what I'm dealing with, and I'm so grateful for the sacrifice He made for me...but there's also something different about knowing someone who knows what you're going through too.
This is why I wanted to start this blog. To reach out to people who are struggling in general, who struggle with addictions in general, struggle with depression, and struggle with hurting themselves, especially church members but also non-members. I pray that this can help someone in some way shape or form. Please, if you ever want to reach out to me for any reason, don't hesitate to email me- iwillovercomethistrial@gmail.com
I appreciate that depression is being talked about in the church a little more often and is slowly becoming a little bit more understood. I left the church once towards the end of high school for about 5 years or so; and it was because of my depression. I was struggling a lot and no matter what I was doing, it didn't feel like anything was changing. In addition to this, so many people in the church around me were making comments like "Well, if you were more worthy of the Spirit you wouldn't feel like that" and "You must have done something to cause it". Clearly, they didn't know or understand anything depression, but I was in a vulnerable state and I began to believe those things and I got so frustrated that I left church. Thankfully, I was able to finally find my way back and to be honest, I wouldn't trade the experience because it taught me a lot. But there are still a lot of people who make those comments and a lot things that aren't understood; that depression is not about will power or happy thoughts etc etc.
But something else that is hard for me, is my struggle with self-harm. That is NEVER talked about, I don't know or have heard about a single other church member who has struggled with something like this. It's so hard not to feel completely alone in the church with struggle. I mean, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I don't want anyone to know what this is like...but...I don't know. I've known people outside of the church who have struggled with it, but it's not completely the same. And other friends I have in the church can understand to a point because of their own struggles that have a few similar parallels. I know I'm not alone, if no one else, I know the Lord knows what I'm dealing with, and I'm so grateful for the sacrifice He made for me...but there's also something different about knowing someone who knows what you're going through too.
This is why I wanted to start this blog. To reach out to people who are struggling in general, who struggle with addictions in general, struggle with depression, and struggle with hurting themselves, especially church members but also non-members. I pray that this can help someone in some way shape or form. Please, if you ever want to reach out to me for any reason, don't hesitate to email me- iwillovercomethistrial@gmail.com
Commit!
I have a very close friend who knows everything about me and my struggles, and one of the things he likes to say all the time, is "Commit!" He asks me to make promises and commitments all the time. This is helpful for several reasons, first of all, being accountable only to myself, and only making myself promises, doesn't do much for me. I don't keep promises made to myself very often because I figure, "Who cares?", I need someone to be accountable to. In addition, it helps me to make the promises and commitments I need to make to my Heavenly Father. I struggle with that aspect of it, and I'm not quite sure why yet, it's something to explore.
Anyways, there's a reason why I've brought up the idea of commitment. There have been a couple times where I begin to feel like giving in is inevitable; that it is going to happen no matter what, so why bother fighting it? Why not just give in and 'get it over with'? I hated feeling that way because logically I knew it wasn't inevitable, I didn't HAVE to give in...so why did it feel like it was impossible to avoid? It was because I had already made the decision! I felt like I had no choice in fighting it, because I already made the choice to give in. When I brought up this concept to my friend, he said something along the lines of "then don't decide, COMMIT! Commit that you won't hurt yourself." He's right, I need to stop making the decision beforehand; stop feeling like giving in isn't inevitable. It's not!
COMMIT!
Anyways, there's a reason why I've brought up the idea of commitment. There have been a couple times where I begin to feel like giving in is inevitable; that it is going to happen no matter what, so why bother fighting it? Why not just give in and 'get it over with'? I hated feeling that way because logically I knew it wasn't inevitable, I didn't HAVE to give in...so why did it feel like it was impossible to avoid? It was because I had already made the decision! I felt like I had no choice in fighting it, because I already made the choice to give in. When I brought up this concept to my friend, he said something along the lines of "then don't decide, COMMIT! Commit that you won't hurt yourself." He's right, I need to stop making the decision beforehand; stop feeling like giving in isn't inevitable. It's not!
COMMIT!
Step 1: Honesty
I had a slip up last week, after going 3 weeks without hurting myself. But I'm doing my best to pick myself up and move on. I've been spending time on starting at the beginning of the Addiction Recovery Program with some focus on myself and my addictions. I've also been spending time starting over at the beginning of The Book of Mormon and focusing on truly understanding the scriptures and applying them to me. Thus far, it's gone well.
First of all, Step 1 in the Addiction Recovery Program is Honesty; to admit that we are powerless over our addictions and that our lives have become unmanageable. I've slowly come to fully realize the truth behind this. My life truly has become unmanageable and I am completely powerless over my addiction to hurting myself and over my struggle/addiction with food. It's taken me a long time to get to this point of admitting it...and to be honest, I don't want to admit it. The pride in me still wants to think "it's not that bad", "you can overcome this on your own." Guess what? No! I can't. I can't get over this on my own. I've been hurting myself for 10 years and I continue to slide downwards and now it's the only way I know how to deal with things. It is far beyond my ability to overcome this on my own.
This concept played in well with beginning my study again of The Book of Mormon. Nephi's father Lehi was commanded in a dream that he was to depart from Jerusalem and take his family into the wilderness. They left their gold, silver and precious things behind; taking only provisions and tents. The Lord asked him to leave everything behind and Lehi did as he was commanded. What if the Lord asked me to leave everything behind and depart somewhere? Would I be able to or be as willing to do so? It's a scary thing to think about...but it's something that I can relate too (as I suspect many others can too). Isn't the Lord asking us to leave worldy things behind? To be in the world but not of the world? How many of us are able to do so? Isn't He also asking us to leave behind our addictions? To depart from the world of addiction, rely on the Lord and other resources and journey to new and better place. Unfortunately, not many of us are as willing as Lehi was to leave everything behind. It's hard to do, and just as Lehi had to rely on the Lord during his journey, so do we.
After Lehi and his family journeyed into the wilderness, he was commanded to send Nephi, Sam, Laman and Lemuel back to Jerusalam to get the brass plates from Laban. As I was reading, I begin to wonder what the "Laban" 's were in my life. My depression, and my addiction. Nephi and his brothers made a couple attempts to try to get the plates from Laban, all unsuccessful. They tried to ask for them, and they tried to buy them/bribe him for them. Neither of these attempts worked. I can't ask my depression/addiction away. I can't "buy" it or "bribe" it away. When they were ready to give up. Nephi was visited by an angel and told him to go to Jerusalem again, that the Lord would deliver Laban unto them. When Laman and Lemuel began to murmur, they asked an important question: "Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?" Why not us? Depression/Addiction can destroy lives, it can destroy us...but why not me? Why not you? Because we can make God our partner.
I need to do a better job at making the Lord my partner, relying on him more as I make this journey to a new and better land.
First of all, Step 1 in the Addiction Recovery Program is Honesty; to admit that we are powerless over our addictions and that our lives have become unmanageable. I've slowly come to fully realize the truth behind this. My life truly has become unmanageable and I am completely powerless over my addiction to hurting myself and over my struggle/addiction with food. It's taken me a long time to get to this point of admitting it...and to be honest, I don't want to admit it. The pride in me still wants to think "it's not that bad", "you can overcome this on your own." Guess what? No! I can't. I can't get over this on my own. I've been hurting myself for 10 years and I continue to slide downwards and now it's the only way I know how to deal with things. It is far beyond my ability to overcome this on my own.
This concept played in well with beginning my study again of The Book of Mormon. Nephi's father Lehi was commanded in a dream that he was to depart from Jerusalem and take his family into the wilderness. They left their gold, silver and precious things behind; taking only provisions and tents. The Lord asked him to leave everything behind and Lehi did as he was commanded. What if the Lord asked me to leave everything behind and depart somewhere? Would I be able to or be as willing to do so? It's a scary thing to think about...but it's something that I can relate too (as I suspect many others can too). Isn't the Lord asking us to leave worldy things behind? To be in the world but not of the world? How many of us are able to do so? Isn't He also asking us to leave behind our addictions? To depart from the world of addiction, rely on the Lord and other resources and journey to new and better place. Unfortunately, not many of us are as willing as Lehi was to leave everything behind. It's hard to do, and just as Lehi had to rely on the Lord during his journey, so do we.
After Lehi and his family journeyed into the wilderness, he was commanded to send Nephi, Sam, Laman and Lemuel back to Jerusalam to get the brass plates from Laban. As I was reading, I begin to wonder what the "Laban" 's were in my life. My depression, and my addiction. Nephi and his brothers made a couple attempts to try to get the plates from Laban, all unsuccessful. They tried to ask for them, and they tried to buy them/bribe him for them. Neither of these attempts worked. I can't ask my depression/addiction away. I can't "buy" it or "bribe" it away. When they were ready to give up. Nephi was visited by an angel and told him to go to Jerusalem again, that the Lord would deliver Laban unto them. When Laman and Lemuel began to murmur, they asked an important question: "Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?" Why not us? Depression/Addiction can destroy lives, it can destroy us...but why not me? Why not you? Because we can make God our partner.
"Nephi made God his partner. If he failed to get the plates, it meant God had failed. And because God does not fail, it was incumbent upon Nephi to get the plates or lay down his life in the attempt." -Elder Bruce R McConkieWhen we make God our partner, we can face those things in our lives. God didn't sent us here to fail; God doesn't fail. " . . .let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; for behold he is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than Laban and his fifty, yea, or even than his tens of thousands?" (1 Nephi 4:1) The Lord is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than my depression, why not mightier than my addiction to hurting myself? The Lord is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than [insert your struggle here]? The Lord can deliver us.
I need to do a better job at making the Lord my partner, relying on him more as I make this journey to a new and better land.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Starting
Well, I started this blog, and then failed to make any entries. I realized I have no idea what I wanted to say. I want to be able to reach out to people, I want to be able to share my story, but I have no idea where to start or how to express everything is words. For now, maybe I'll just start where I am, as time goes on, I'll explain the things in my past.
Depression is a really hard thing to deal with, and it's really hard for other people to understand. I mean, how can you explain to someone that you just can't get out of bed, and no amount of will power, or KNOWING that you have things do to, can make it physically possible. I've had a lot of days in the past where getting out of bed has been quite impossible, Recently, however, it's been happening more and more. The past two weeks has been a struggle. It's like you just don't have the strength to get out, put your feet on the ground, stand up and face the day. I lie in bed all day, sleeping, sobbing, wishing I didn't exist. It doesn't matter I have school work to do, it doesn't matter that I am supposed to be training for my first 5k, it doesn't matter that I have work shifts coming up...I just can't do it. I feel overwhelmed, I feel like breathing is unbearable, I feel like every step is impossible. I feel alone, and scared. I've been on and off meds for awhile, usually finding them unhelpful. Recently, I finally found my way back to a doctor again because I've just been in too bad of a place. She prescribed me some meds and we made a follow up for a month later. A month comes and I have seen no improvement in things, so she changes me to something stronger. She also said that if this doesn't work, she recommends I go back to a psychiatrist because I've already been on all the different meds she feels comfortable and qualified to prescribe. I've been so a psychiatrist before, it just means harder to get appointments and a higher copay. Unfortunately, it's been almost a month on the new meds and I don't see much improvement with these either. However, I do notice a slight decrease in my anxiety. Because of this, she may agree to up the dosage and see if there's any more improvement. I've also considered going back to therapy. It's not a choice I want to make, I've been in it before, and I have mixed feelings about it. Last time I was in therapy, I also felt like I plateaued. In addition, I'm not in a good financial position and therefore can't afford to be going to the doctors, meds, and regular therapy sessions. We'll see I guess.
Recently, a memory from my past has resurfaced. It's a memory I work really hard at blocking out, but as conversations with an old family friend have had the topic of my father and my past, this memory has resurfaced. I've been unsuccessful blocking at blocking it back out and it's affecting me. First of all, a little quick background regarding my family. I have a younger brother (2 years younger) who physically abused me growing up, and no, not in a "siblings fight" kind of way, much more beyond that. My parents, though never physically abusive, abused me verbally/emotionally. My brother was the golden, god-like child who could do no wrong. I was the worthless piece of trash who was never good and made them ashamed. My father also had a lot of anger management problems and would often burst into fits/tantrums where he would scream and yell, break things, destroy things, throw things, road rage, etc etc etc (it's hard to describe them without truly being there, but they were terrifying. To this day I still struggle with some PTSD whenever something happens that I know would set him off, even though I no longer live at home). Again, my dad never physically abused me, but he was inches away from that line, and I was terrified for the day where he would cross it. Anyways, the specific memory is from a night in high school, all the details are a little fuzzy, but I was in the living room watching tv with my family. I don't remember what had happened or why he said this, but my dad told me that he seriously wanted to kill me, and to be honest, I had no doubt that it could happen. I was scared to death to be at home after that. Eventually I managed to block that night out, but every once in awhile it comes back up. And right now, I struggle enough with thoughts of wanting to end my life, knowing that it wouldn't matter to my family if I was here or not, really pushes me closer to it.
I've gone almost three weeks now since I last hurt myself. Yay right? Maybe. Every day is a huge fight that I have to fight with my entire being to not give in and hurt myself. Hurting myself gives me some control, it releases a lot of things inside (I relate it to o soda bottle that has been shaken up and about ready to burst from the pressure, the slightest move of the lid releases so much of that pressure, one act of hurting myself releases the pressure I feel building up inside.) It also is a way for me to understand what's going on. Let me explain that. Sometimes, I don't understand everything in my head, or I don't understand the depression and it's hard to make sense of it, but when I can take that pain, and make it physical, I can see it, I can understand it, I have a tangible thing to blame things on. It may not make sense, but does to me. Also, it comes as a relief. In all the darkness I feel, all the drowning and suffocating I experience, hurting myself is a relief from the raging storm around me. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like things calm down for a few moments. I've relied on hurting myself for going on 10+ years now, it's scary to think about not having it in my life to deal with things. It often ends up as a compromise to ending my life. But, I need to work on moving past it and discovering healthier ways to deal with things.
I have an addiction to hurting myself. I also have an addiction with food. I've struggled with binging/overeating and also with not eating. Right now, I'm either not eating at all, or overeating, there seems to be no balance. My church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or LDS/Mormons) has a 12 step addiction recovery program that is based off of the 12 steps of AA. I began going to meetings as to be a support for someone else who asked me to attend with them and be there for them with their struggles, and while that it still my focus, I've come to learn that I can have my own focus as well, that I need to work this program as well. So I begin my journey with the 12 steps. to try to overcome the things in my life. As I take this journey, I will post my findings, inspiration, story, struggles etc. I have found many inspirational blogs from others who are struggling, and those who are close to someone to struggling. Even though their stories/addictions are not the same as mine, they are very relateable, they help me learn, see things in a new light, and find hope and courage. I hope this blog finds its way to someone who needs it as well.
-Mary
Depression is a really hard thing to deal with, and it's really hard for other people to understand. I mean, how can you explain to someone that you just can't get out of bed, and no amount of will power, or KNOWING that you have things do to, can make it physically possible. I've had a lot of days in the past where getting out of bed has been quite impossible, Recently, however, it's been happening more and more. The past two weeks has been a struggle. It's like you just don't have the strength to get out, put your feet on the ground, stand up and face the day. I lie in bed all day, sleeping, sobbing, wishing I didn't exist. It doesn't matter I have school work to do, it doesn't matter that I am supposed to be training for my first 5k, it doesn't matter that I have work shifts coming up...I just can't do it. I feel overwhelmed, I feel like breathing is unbearable, I feel like every step is impossible. I feel alone, and scared. I've been on and off meds for awhile, usually finding them unhelpful. Recently, I finally found my way back to a doctor again because I've just been in too bad of a place. She prescribed me some meds and we made a follow up for a month later. A month comes and I have seen no improvement in things, so she changes me to something stronger. She also said that if this doesn't work, she recommends I go back to a psychiatrist because I've already been on all the different meds she feels comfortable and qualified to prescribe. I've been so a psychiatrist before, it just means harder to get appointments and a higher copay. Unfortunately, it's been almost a month on the new meds and I don't see much improvement with these either. However, I do notice a slight decrease in my anxiety. Because of this, she may agree to up the dosage and see if there's any more improvement. I've also considered going back to therapy. It's not a choice I want to make, I've been in it before, and I have mixed feelings about it. Last time I was in therapy, I also felt like I plateaued. In addition, I'm not in a good financial position and therefore can't afford to be going to the doctors, meds, and regular therapy sessions. We'll see I guess.
Recently, a memory from my past has resurfaced. It's a memory I work really hard at blocking out, but as conversations with an old family friend have had the topic of my father and my past, this memory has resurfaced. I've been unsuccessful blocking at blocking it back out and it's affecting me. First of all, a little quick background regarding my family. I have a younger brother (2 years younger) who physically abused me growing up, and no, not in a "siblings fight" kind of way, much more beyond that. My parents, though never physically abusive, abused me verbally/emotionally. My brother was the golden, god-like child who could do no wrong. I was the worthless piece of trash who was never good and made them ashamed. My father also had a lot of anger management problems and would often burst into fits/tantrums where he would scream and yell, break things, destroy things, throw things, road rage, etc etc etc (it's hard to describe them without truly being there, but they were terrifying. To this day I still struggle with some PTSD whenever something happens that I know would set him off, even though I no longer live at home). Again, my dad never physically abused me, but he was inches away from that line, and I was terrified for the day where he would cross it. Anyways, the specific memory is from a night in high school, all the details are a little fuzzy, but I was in the living room watching tv with my family. I don't remember what had happened or why he said this, but my dad told me that he seriously wanted to kill me, and to be honest, I had no doubt that it could happen. I was scared to death to be at home after that. Eventually I managed to block that night out, but every once in awhile it comes back up. And right now, I struggle enough with thoughts of wanting to end my life, knowing that it wouldn't matter to my family if I was here or not, really pushes me closer to it.
I've gone almost three weeks now since I last hurt myself. Yay right? Maybe. Every day is a huge fight that I have to fight with my entire being to not give in and hurt myself. Hurting myself gives me some control, it releases a lot of things inside (I relate it to o soda bottle that has been shaken up and about ready to burst from the pressure, the slightest move of the lid releases so much of that pressure, one act of hurting myself releases the pressure I feel building up inside.) It also is a way for me to understand what's going on. Let me explain that. Sometimes, I don't understand everything in my head, or I don't understand the depression and it's hard to make sense of it, but when I can take that pain, and make it physical, I can see it, I can understand it, I have a tangible thing to blame things on. It may not make sense, but does to me. Also, it comes as a relief. In all the darkness I feel, all the drowning and suffocating I experience, hurting myself is a relief from the raging storm around me. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like things calm down for a few moments. I've relied on hurting myself for going on 10+ years now, it's scary to think about not having it in my life to deal with things. It often ends up as a compromise to ending my life. But, I need to work on moving past it and discovering healthier ways to deal with things.
I have an addiction to hurting myself. I also have an addiction with food. I've struggled with binging/overeating and also with not eating. Right now, I'm either not eating at all, or overeating, there seems to be no balance. My church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or LDS/Mormons) has a 12 step addiction recovery program that is based off of the 12 steps of AA. I began going to meetings as to be a support for someone else who asked me to attend with them and be there for them with their struggles, and while that it still my focus, I've come to learn that I can have my own focus as well, that I need to work this program as well. So I begin my journey with the 12 steps. to try to overcome the things in my life. As I take this journey, I will post my findings, inspiration, story, struggles etc. I have found many inspirational blogs from others who are struggling, and those who are close to someone to struggling. Even though their stories/addictions are not the same as mine, they are very relateable, they help me learn, see things in a new light, and find hope and courage. I hope this blog finds its way to someone who needs it as well.
-Mary
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Introduction---My Story
Hello there. For the sake of keeping myself anonymous for now, I have chosen to go by the name of "Mary" in this blog. So hi, my name is Mary. I am currently 24 years old, and I am LDS (Latter-Day Saint/Mormon). I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little kid; though I wasn't "diagnosed" with anything until later in elementary/middle school (which was when my parents finally took me to see someone about it. I suspect had I gone earlier, I would have been diagnosed earlier.) I also have anxiety, a mild to moderate obsessive compulsive disorder, and a number of other things. Sometime around the age of 13 or 14 I began cutting myself as a way to handle life, depression, and everything else going on. While I have gone through periods of "sobriety" (the longest being 2 years, usually it only lasts a few months, if that) I continue to struggle with hurting myself. As the years went on, I turned to more and more ways than just cutting in order to hurt myself. I have tried to end my life twice; once in high school and once just a couple of years ago, and continue to struggle with wanting to completely give up.
Besides these struggles, I am an active Mormon girl. I work part time and I take classes online. I spend my time at church activities, doing school work, and spending time with my amazing best friend "George" (name has been changed).
Why have I decided to write this blog? --- Well, in general, I hope to be able to reach out to others who may be struggling with similar things. I know how lonely it can feel sometimes, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone; if there's a way that I can try to reach out to those people, I want to try. I also hope to maybe be able to help others understand. Depression can be hard, if not impossible to truly understand if you haven't dealt with it yourself, or with someone close to you; I hope to be able to help bring understanding to those who may not understand. In regards to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, depression is being talked about a little bit more, but it still seems to go very much understand (and is the reason I left the church at one point, but that's for a different post), and things like self-harm and suicide don't seem to ever be talked about, it really makes you feel alone in the church, and ashamed that you struggle with such things when it seems like no one else does. Well guess what, there are those who do, myself included. You are not alone.
I plan to write about my story, different events and things that have happened, about my daily journey and the things I struggle with, but also the progress I make, the things I learn, and my journey or recovery through my struggle of self-harm. As I get this blog up and running, I will be posting a page of resources that I have come across, both informational sites and also support sites with forums, chats, and hotlines to reach out to others. Please, by all means, feel free to comment, ask questions, or email me. If you need someone to reach out too or talk too, I want to be that person, please don't hesitate.
Besides these struggles, I am an active Mormon girl. I work part time and I take classes online. I spend my time at church activities, doing school work, and spending time with my amazing best friend "George" (name has been changed).
Why have I decided to write this blog? --- Well, in general, I hope to be able to reach out to others who may be struggling with similar things. I know how lonely it can feel sometimes, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone; if there's a way that I can try to reach out to those people, I want to try. I also hope to maybe be able to help others understand. Depression can be hard, if not impossible to truly understand if you haven't dealt with it yourself, or with someone close to you; I hope to be able to help bring understanding to those who may not understand. In regards to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, depression is being talked about a little bit more, but it still seems to go very much understand (and is the reason I left the church at one point, but that's for a different post), and things like self-harm and suicide don't seem to ever be talked about, it really makes you feel alone in the church, and ashamed that you struggle with such things when it seems like no one else does. Well guess what, there are those who do, myself included. You are not alone.
I plan to write about my story, different events and things that have happened, about my daily journey and the things I struggle with, but also the progress I make, the things I learn, and my journey or recovery through my struggle of self-harm. As I get this blog up and running, I will be posting a page of resources that I have come across, both informational sites and also support sites with forums, chats, and hotlines to reach out to others. Please, by all means, feel free to comment, ask questions, or email me. If you need someone to reach out too or talk too, I want to be that person, please don't hesitate.
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