Oh my

Oh my, it's been awhile since I've posted.  There's really not much to update on, and I doubt anyone reads this enough to know if I've been posting or not, but I could use some "writing time" so here it goes.  (Sorry it's long)

Recovery-  I've really struggled with actively working recovery.  I haven't been making it to ARP meetings lately, I don't exactly have any excuse.  When I started going to the meetings, it was in support of my best friend who asked me to go along for support and help push and encourage him to go.  Eventually, I started focusing on myself at the meetings as well as focusing on learning how to support and deal with my friends addiction.  However, a few months ago my friends schedule changed and because of it, he can't often go to meetings.  It also means we don't generally hang out after church on Sundays (meetings are on Sunday evenings) so after church I go home and go to sleep (after working overnight Saturday night and not having slept at all).  This often means that I miss the meetings because I'm sleeping, but it's also because I don't always make an effort to be awake to go.  I need to start working on making it to those meetings AND to encourage my friend to go more often when he can, but he's beside the point.  I'm in contact with many people from the meetings, so it wouldn't be so bad if I were at least working recovery at home, but I haven't been.  *sigh* I really need be accountable to someone with all of this, I think it's the only way.  Anyone want to volunteer?  (Kidding.  Kind of...)

Church- To add to my level at sucking at doing the things I'm supposed to be doing- I've been missing church recently.  However, let me explain, this is not on purpose.  I work overnight at the front desk of a hotel, and usually, one of my nights is Saturday night, getting off at 7am Sunday morning.  Until July, our student branch met on campus at the spiritual center and there was very limited nearby parking.  To kill two birds with one stone, I would go straight to campus after work to make sure I went to church, and to get a good parking spot.  I did this because I knew if I went home I would either fall asleep and not wake up to go to church, or I would talk myself out of going.  However in July, we were finally able to start meeting in our own new building, where parking isn't an issue.  I started going home after work so I could at least get a shower because I really hated being at church all day in the grime of work from the night before.  (Even though I wear church clothes to work since we're supposed to look nice, I would take a change to help avoid this, and it still felt like the grime of work).  So for the past month or so, I've been going home after work, showering, set an alarm for church and take a nap.  In the past month, I've made it to church on time once.  Twice I missed it entirely and once I made it for the end of Sacrament meeting.  Clearly, I need to come up with a new routine.  It appears I need to forego the nap and just go into church after I'm showered and ready.  I'm not sure what else to do.  Especially because it's already been really hard for me to go lately because of my depression and anxiety, it becomes even harder to go when I've already been missing.

Scripture reading- Well, I've been struggling with my own personal reading, but I have been reading.  I live in an apartment with 3 others and we're all members.  I'm really close with one of the girls.  About a month ago she expressed frustration because she was having trouble getting up for work on time in the mornings.  Her bosses are really chill and don't care if she's late, so she never had any real accountability to getting up but she wanted to be able to be on time and she would text me in the mornings after getting to late work about how she hated herself and how stressed she was because she was always late.  After a few mornings of this in a row, I sat her down with an idea.  Because I work an overnight shift, and only work a few nights a week, my schedule is fairly flexible.  I don't have a set time I have to be awake in the morning.  So we talked about what time she wanted to be able to leave and how much time she needed to get ready in the morning.  We then added 30 min to that time to come up with a time for the two of us to get up (630am) and read scriptures together.  After we're done she eats and gets ready and goes to work and depending on my sleep schedule at the time, I'm either up for the day or I go back to bed for a few hours.  If I work the night before (I get off at 7am), I make her text me when she's awake (sending me a picture of something outside her bedroom so I know she's up), she gets ready first and then when I get home, we have just enough time to read together before she goes to work.  It's been working great for both of us.  It helps me to not stay in bed all day because by getting up first thing and someone relying on me being up, forces me to get out of bed.  It also helps me get some sort of scripture reading in, even if I'm still struggling with my personal reading.  And she has shared how much it has helped her to have someone to be accountable to to wake up and she's much less stressed in the mornings.

Sobriety- I am days away from hitting my 5 month mark since the last time I hurt myself.  This is the longest stretch I've had for several years now.  There are two "voices" going on here.  Voice #1 - every single one of those days was a struggle.  Every single one of those days felt like it would be impossible to make it through without giving in.  So I should be proud of the progress I've made in not hurting myself.  Voice #2 - Every day continues to be a struggle.  The urges intensify and it feels like the inevitable slip up is just lurking around the corner.
I know it doesn't have to be inevitable, but that's how it feels.

Overall- I wrote the following in my journal the other day.  I feel like I need to share it, though I don't know why, nor do I really want to per se.  But this blog is supposed to be about healing and recovery and that includes being open and honest.

"Things have been rough, especially this week.  I've been feeling so hopeless.  It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.  I am in this pitch black, dark hole of depression.  It hurts, it's so painful and there only seems to be one way out, one way to make the hurt and pain end.  I am so desperate to make everything end.  It's so consuming.  So overwhelming.  I feel like I am underwater being crushed by a thousand tons of bricks on my chest.  I can't keep doing this.  I feel like I'm failing at everything around me.  I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things.  I spend so much by myself sobbing because I just can't handle it.  I just want to end my life.  What would it matter?  I feel like everyone around me would be so much better off if I weren't around being some worthless burden.  My mind is consumed by dark triggering images that I've been exposed to recently, even though I've been careful.  It's consumed by thoughts of how/when to end things.  I can't accurately express the intensity of the darkness or intensity of my desperation.  I just want it all to end!  Please?!?! :'(  I at least need some sort of relief, no matter how brief.  A small amount of relief is better than none at all.  . . . I'm scared.  I can't do this anymore"

Now that I'm done typing that, I kind of feel a little better.  I feel like it was an attempt to really get across how I've been feeling lately, though it still doesn't seem to scratch the surface.

I'm sorry this is long, and if you actually read it all; well, thank you <3