Tithing

It's been quite some time since I've written.  I don't have a whole lot to update on.  I'm back to just over a month since my last slip up, which is good progress I guess.  Things are very difficult though, especially when you add the typical holiday stress to all of it.  I'm really grateful for the small tender mercies in my life that the Lord gives me, especially in the forms of other people.  Any strength that I have right now is definitely not mine.



On another note, something happened recently that I would like to share about.

So it's that time of year...tithing settlement.  Oh boy.  I was not looking forward to that.  It's something I really struggle with, a lot.  See, growing up, my dad was very inactive, tithing was never a priority.  IF it got paid at all, it was always after everything else.  By the time I was working and had an sort of income to pay my own tithing, it was right around the time that I was decided to leave the church; paying tithing then was not something I wanted to do.  When I came back to church several years ago, I was really strong in paying my tithing.  After about a year, I began to struggle again until it got to the point I was barely paying it.  I always had the intention to pay it, I would write the check...but my hours were low and then things would happen or I would forget and by the time I remembered I just said I would combine it with the next one. About 2 months ago though, I had been talking with my roommate about it and that night I laid in bed thinking about it all, and I became really ashamed that I struggled with it so much; especially because I have been receiving help from the church so I could go back to therapy.  I had no excuses...I just couldn't seem to get myself to pay it.  I then realized the biggest thing, I wasn't asking for help.  I clearly couldn't do it by myself, but I wasn't asking for help.  So I knelt on my knees and asked Heavenly Father for help.  I told him I wanted to pay, but for some reason I struggled with it.  I asked for help and strength as I committed myself to him and his commandment to pay tithing.

Fast forward almost 2 months and I'm sitting in tithing settlement with my branch president telling him all this.  I told him that my tithing for the year was only a partial tithe, but since that night that I recommitted myself, it has been a full tithe.  My branch president looked at me and smiled and said "So, uh, when your shifts at work start increasing?"  Wow.  I didn't even put the two together.  Recently, my shifts at work had increased and because of this, I was able to cover repairs on my car that were needed to pass inspection, and for the first time in several months, I was going to be able to cover all my bills myself and still be able to do therapy.  Occasionally the increased shifts overwhelm me a little, but overall I've been grateful for them.  It wasn't until my branch president asked about the timing of it that I realized it was right around the same time.  As soon as I realized that, I was so humbled and grateful at the mercy the Lord had for me.  I had been having such a hard time with tithing for so long, with no excuse, but yet, as soon as I admitted this to him and asked for help, he poured blessings down on me.  I was working with my budget the other day and trying to decide if I should continue to count on these increased hours when I could feel the spirit telling me, "Just trust in me.  Pay your tithing in full and you will have the hours you need."  In the past couple of months, my testimony of tithing has been strengthened ssoooo much and I'm so grateful.


As I'm writing this, I realize how much this also applies to my struggle and journey with depression and my addiction.  I can't do this by myself, but I continue to try too. It's not that I never ask for help, but I certainly don't ask for as much as I should.  (There are many 'excuses' I find that I give myself to not ask for help, but when it comes down to it, they don't matter).  I don't always have the blessing of being able to feel the spirit, especially when I really need too, but I do often have the privilege and blessing to witness tender mercies in my life and I'm sure if I asked for help more, I would be able to see the help in my life in some way.

Anyways, those are my thoughts for now.  I'm grateful for the strength I've been able to receive from Heavenly Father and the Lord, because I know my own strength ran out a long time ago.