Starting

Well, I started this blog, and then failed to make any entries.  I realized I have no idea what I wanted to say.  I want to be able to reach out to people, I want to be able to share my story, but I have no idea where to start or how to express everything is words.  For now, maybe I'll just start where I am, as time goes on, I'll explain the things in my past.

Depression is a really hard thing to deal with, and it's really hard for other people to understand.  I mean, how can you explain to someone that you just can't get out of bed, and no amount of will power, or KNOWING that you have things do to, can make it physically possible.  I've had a lot of days in the past where getting out of bed has been quite impossible,  Recently, however, it's been happening more and more.  The past two weeks has been a struggle.  It's like you just don't have the strength to get out, put your feet on the ground, stand up and face the day.  I lie in bed all day, sleeping, sobbing, wishing I didn't exist.  It doesn't matter I have school work to do, it doesn't matter that I am supposed to be training for my first 5k, it doesn't matter that I have work shifts coming up...I just can't do it.  I feel overwhelmed, I feel like breathing is unbearable, I feel like every step is impossible.  I feel alone, and scared.  I've been on and off meds for awhile, usually finding them unhelpful.  Recently, I finally found my way back to a doctor again because I've just been in too bad of a place.  She prescribed me some meds and we made a follow up for a month later.  A month comes and I have seen no improvement in things, so she changes me to something stronger.  She also said that if this doesn't work, she recommends I go back to a psychiatrist because I've already been on all the different meds she feels comfortable and qualified to prescribe.  I've been so a psychiatrist before, it just means harder to get appointments and a higher copay.  Unfortunately, it's been almost a month on the new meds and I don't see much improvement with these either.  However, I do notice a slight decrease in my anxiety.  Because of this, she may agree to up the dosage and see if there's any more improvement.  I've also considered going back to therapy.  It's not a choice I want to make, I've been in it before, and I have mixed feelings about it.  Last time I was in therapy, I also felt like I plateaued.  In addition, I'm not in a good financial position and therefore can't afford to be going to the doctors, meds, and regular therapy sessions.  We'll see I guess.

Recently, a memory from my past has resurfaced.  It's a memory I work really hard at blocking out, but as conversations with an old family friend have had the topic of my father and my past, this memory has resurfaced.  I've been unsuccessful blocking at blocking it back out and it's affecting me.  First of all, a little quick background regarding my family.  I have a younger brother (2 years younger) who physically abused me growing up, and no, not in a "siblings fight" kind of way, much more beyond that.  My parents, though never physically abusive, abused me verbally/emotionally.  My brother was the golden, god-like child who could do no wrong.  I was the worthless piece of trash who was never good and made them ashamed.  My father also had a lot of anger management problems and would often burst into fits/tantrums where he would scream and yell, break things, destroy things, throw things, road rage, etc etc etc (it's hard to describe them without truly being there, but they were terrifying.  To this day I still struggle with some PTSD whenever something happens that I know would set him off, even though I no longer live at home).  Again, my dad never physically abused me, but he was inches away from that line, and I was terrified for the day where he would cross it.  Anyways, the specific memory is from a night in high school, all the details are a little fuzzy, but I was in the living room watching tv with my family.  I don't remember what had happened or why he said this, but my dad told me that he seriously wanted to kill me, and to be honest, I had no doubt that it could happen.  I was scared to death to be at home after that.  Eventually I managed to block that night out, but every once in awhile it comes back up.  And right now, I struggle enough with thoughts of wanting to end my life, knowing that it wouldn't matter to my family if I was here or not, really pushes me closer to it.

I've gone almost three weeks now since I last hurt myself.  Yay right?  Maybe.  Every day is a huge fight that I have to fight with my entire being to not give in and hurt myself.  Hurting myself gives me some control, it releases a lot of things inside (I relate it to o soda bottle that has been shaken up and about ready to burst from the pressure, the slightest move of the lid releases so much of that pressure, one act of hurting myself releases the pressure I feel building up inside.)  It also is a way for me to understand what's going on.  Let me explain that.  Sometimes, I don't understand everything in my head, or I don't understand the depression and it's hard to make sense of it, but when I can take that pain, and make it physical, I can see it, I can understand it, I have a tangible thing to blame things on.  It may not make sense, but does to me.  Also, it comes as a relief.  In all the darkness I feel, all the drowning and suffocating I experience, hurting myself is a relief from the raging storm around me.  I don't really know how to explain it.  It's like things calm down for a few moments.  I've relied on hurting myself for going on 10+ years now, it's scary to think about not having it in my life to deal with things.  It often ends up as a compromise to ending my life.  But, I need to work on moving past it and discovering healthier ways to deal with things.

I have an addiction to hurting myself.  I also have an addiction with food.  I've struggled with binging/overeating and also with not eating.  Right now, I'm either not eating at all, or overeating, there seems to be no balance.  My church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or LDS/Mormons) has a 12 step addiction recovery program that is based off of the 12 steps of AA.  I began going to meetings as to be a support for someone else who asked me to attend with them and be there for them with their struggles, and while that it still my focus, I've come to learn that I can have my own focus as well, that I need to work this program as well. So I begin my journey with the 12 steps. to try to overcome the things in my life.  As I take this journey, I will post my findings, inspiration, story, struggles etc.  I have found many inspirational blogs from others who are struggling, and those who are close to someone to struggling.  Even though their stories/addictions are not the same as mine, they are very relateable, they help me learn, see things in a new light, and find hope and courage.  I hope this blog finds its way to someone who needs it as well.

-Mary