Sobriety

Therapy- I started therapy again last month.  Because of some insurance things, for the time being, I'm really only able to meet with her once a month for a bit.  So I had my first appointment back a few weeks ago, I choose to return to my old therapist.  I decided this because therapy has always been a scary thing for me, and I felt I would be much more likely to jump back in if it was with someone I was comfortable with. I also decided this because she has/knows my past and I wouldn't have to go through the "intake" process again and have to relive through some painful things.  (Though of course there are some things I still have to work through, but there's a difference between working through them to overcome them, and reliving them to tell someone about them AND working through them to overcome them.)  I also figured that if it became apparent I needed to go somewhere else to get what I need, my therapist could give a more personal referral since she knows me and my past, than someone who was making a blind referral could.

Anyways, my first meeting back with her was a few weeks ago.  We discussed some different things.  We talked about why I was back, we talked about the issues I still have with self-harm, we talked about things that have changed since the last time I was there, we talked about the goals that I want to work on.  And at the end of the appointment, we choose 2 things for me to work on for next time we meet.  She mentioned that some of the things we talked about it, it seemed I had made some progress from the last time I had been there.  Mostly in regards to my family.  She pointed out that before, my view on the issues with my family were such that I wanted no contact because I couldn't bear to forgive them.  I hated them and I couldn't accept the things they did/do to me and I didn't want to even try.  This time when we met, I mentioned that I was on limited contact with them while I try to work through things.  I mentioned that I wanted to work on how to move on from what they've done in the past, to accept that the way they are is just how they are and to learn how to handle things they say and do to me without letting it affect me.  To her this was progress.  She said that to go from hating them and not wanting to even try to forgive them, to wanting to be able to learn how to just not let them affect me and have some sort of relationship with them, even if it's somewhat limited.

Self-harm, Sobriety/Recovery-  I'm working hard to try to focus on recovery.  I work hard to acknowledge the places I'm in, to check in with my best friend on a daily basis and honestly express the difficulties I may be having, thoughts that are in my head. not bottle things up or shut down.  I do my best to remain in a safe place, though I struggle greatly with that.  I've been struggling with my scripture reading lately, but I'm doing my best.  I'm days away from my 4 month "sobriety" mark.  I'm trying to hold on to the "good" things about this- mainly the fact that every single day of those 4 months, I felt like I wasn't going to survive.  I wanted to quit, I wanted to give in and I didn't care of anything I would feel or regret after the fact.  However, every single day is harder than the day before.  I feel like a dam that is ready to break.  Every day when more stress is added, when I become more overwhelmed, I feel like I am closer and closer to that inevitable slip up/relapse.  I don't want to feel that way, I don't want the thought that "slip ups are a part of recovery" to be an excuse/justification/self-fulfilled prophesy of sorts.  There was a period of time I went 2 years without hurting myself, since the relapse that broke that period of sobriety, I have yet to come anywhere close to that again.  In fact, 4 months (even the 3 months before that) is the longest I've gone in some time, I'm grateful for that, but it's an every day struggle and I know I can never be complacent about it, I have to continue to fight in order to be successful.  I'm grateful for my best friend and the support he gives me, for the other friends I have by my side, whether they know the specific things going on or not, and I'm grateful for the strength I've received from my Savior and Heavenly Father because I know my own strength ran out some time ago, I know the strength I have now is not my own.

Safe?

I haven't posted for awhile, mostly because I haven't really had anything positive to post and so many of my posts lately have been "downers", that I didn't want to post another one.  I've been struggling with my scripture reading and working recovery lately so I haven't had a lot of insight to post, though our ARP meeting this week was interesting, perhaps I'll post about that later.

But right now...I'm in a very unsafe place.  I am trying not to give in.  I've been trying to reach out to people, but everyone is busy; which is fine, I understand...but it's lonely.  And now it's about 4am where I am so of course everyone is asleep and I'm not safe and so I'm posting on here to all of you, who don't know me, who won't see this for who knows how long (if even at all), and who really can't do anything for me...but I'm trying hard not to give in and hurt myself and this is just something else to keep my hands busy for a few moments.

 I'm been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately; feeling sick and exhausted.  I've had a constant headache for about a week and a half.  It changes from a bad headache to a bad migraine...but it's been constant and it's difficult.  Staying alive is a huge struggle right now.  My birthday is next week and every year around this times comes a deeper depression than I'm already in because I don't want to live to see another year where I will feel worthless and be a failure.

I started to rewatch a show that I like on netflix, but I forgot the first few episodes have some triggering content in it.  In all my exhaustion, I wasn't being too careful...or maybe deep down I didn't want to be too careful, my ability and desire to fight is dwindling and it has gotten to the point that I don't really care anymore.

Sorry for the post.  I'll try to post something better next time...

So what now?

I guess it's time to take another step towards getting healthy.  After basically being thrown in the deep end of the pool today, I will be resuming therapy.

I've done therapy off and on for many years.  I saw someone when I was younger, but I felt I wasn't getting anything from him.  I felt that he wasn't addressing my needs.  My parents wouldn't listen to me though (though the act of making me go see someone may seem caring, it's hard to see that that's what they were doing, especially when I went to them with my concerns and they wouldn't listen.)  So instead, I started to go to therapy and I lied.  I told him everything was great, and hid anything going on.  Eventually, he told my parents that I didn't need to see him anymore.  He basically scarred my experience of therapy and I REFUSED to try again for a very long time.  It wasn't until 2009 (probably about 10 years later) that I finally made the choice to try to go back to therapy.  I really liked the therapist I found and found things helpful.  But then my insurance was changing, and she was no longer covered and I couldn't afford to keep her without the insurance.  At the same time, I had a severe cut in hours and couldn't afford the copays to go anywhere else, so I made the decision to stop.  Just before all this had happened, I felt like I had hit a plateau with her anyways; I'm not sure if it was because of my own road blocks or because I had gotten everything I could from her.  Going back to therapy has been on my mind a little bit but financially, I can't even afford to pay all my bills without help, I know I wouldn't be able to cover paying for all of that.

But then I had a conversation with a friend today, and he expressed a lot of concerns, both about me and also himself.  He's noticed how bad of a place I'm in.  He sees me sliding down a very slippery slope and he's concerned about me.  He thinks I really need to do this.  He also expressed concern about himself.  He has learned that he struggles with this complex/need to be able to fix everything; so when someone comes to him, he feels the need to fix everything and lately he has felt like he's replaced a trained/qualified resource.  I have never expected, or wanted, him to fix everything, and I never intended for him to feel like I use him as a replacement for someone qualified, all I've ever wanted is a friend, and he knows this.  I told him I'd be careful with what I open up about but he said that wasn't it.  This is just something he knows about himself and needs to be careful for his well being.  He still wants to be the supportive friend and wants me to open up to him, he just feels strongly that it's time to try therapy again...

So between my own thoughts, and his concerns, and even the support from my branch president, I'm going to go back to therapy.  I talked with my branch president about getting help financially and he said of course he's willing to help.  So here were go again.

Now it's time to make decisions.  Do I go back to my old therapist?  Or do I go elsewhere?  I think I've decided that at least to start, I'm going to go back to my old therapist.  I'm comfortable with her, she's treated me before and I wouldn't necessarily have to go through everything again.  If it becomes apparent that I have gotten all I can get from her, then she'll be able to give me a more personal referral than someone who doesn't know me/my history.  I was thinking about WHY it felt like I hit a plateau with her before, and I think it's because I didn't know what I wanted.  So this time, I'm going to walk in there with clear goals of things I want to learn/accomplish and overcome.  I'm terrified...but I know I need to try this again.

I'm too terrified to post this on Facebook, so I'm posting it here...

As most, if not all of you know, Robin Williams took his life this week.  This has hit me, HARD.  Let me explain something; I have a hard time hearing about stories of those who have taken their life, or those who have attempted.  This is not because I'm cold and heartless or because I don't care; it's because they're very triggering for me.  Those stories are real for me, the feelings those people feel are so real and raw for me.  It reminds me of the two attempts I have in my past.  It reminds me of the constant thoughts of taking my life that consume my entire being.  (Though, just to be clear, this is not the case if someone were to come to me and say they were feeling that way and asking for help.  I would instantly be there for them and talk to them and try to get them the help they need).

So Monday night I get on facebook and instantly my news feed is filled with stories about Robin Williams death, in addition to other articles/stories about depression and suicide.  Instant trigger.  But what was more than that, was the CRUEL and AWFUL comments everyone was making.  Not just on the article comments themselves, but also the posts and remarks from people in my own life.  It felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.  I know depression is wildly misunderstood, but these comments were so far beyond that, they were just flat out judgmental, cruel, and nasty.  I know none of those comments were directed at me personally, but as I was reading them, it felt like they were.  It made me HATE myself (even more than I already do).  It made me angry and frustrated and hate myself because this "depression is a choice" and because I can't just "think happy" or "snap out of it"  (I posted an entry a little while ago related to this aspect).

There were a couple comments that seemed to be repeated that really bothered me more than others.  But one of them was a comment someone allegedly made on their blog.  I saw a headline regarding The Matt Walsh blog or whatever (I don't read this blog but I know it's pretty popular???) and a comment he made saying that suicide was a choice.  That just really hurt.  He doesn't get it.  Depression is a DISEASE, it's an ILLNESS.  There are things going on, things that are wrong with your brain that keep you from being able to function properly.  Telling people with depression to just be happy or snap out of it, is like telling someone with cancer to just be healthy, just snap out of it and make the cancer go away.  It doesn't work that way.  Fighting cancer, getting treatment, hanging on to life is exhausting; and so it is with depression.  But the normal healthy person can't fully understand unless they've had cancer, unless they've had depression (or someone very close to them has).  To the normal healthy person, suicide may seem like a choice.  But just as someone dying from cancer isn't a choice, to a very depressed person, suicide isn't a choice either.  When you have depression, you are so exhausted from fighting for your life, the depression consumes your mind, your entire being.  It is an illness!  Your brain is being affected and you're not in the right state of mind, suicide begins to feel like the only choice, like the only way out and you can't see anything else.  You don't necessarily want to die, but it appears to be the only option.  What else are you supposed to do?  The depression takes over everything and you feel like you're no longer in control.  I've had two suicide attempts, those nights, suicide did not feel like a choice, it felt like the only way.  Somehow, the depression lifted by just a tiny milimeter and I was able to realize what was happening and stop and call someone for help.  But if it hadn't lifted, I probably would not have survived.  I continue to fight DAILY thoughts and desires to end my life.  A couple of people know this and I'm grateful that those who do, know me well enough to realize when I'm sliding down that slope and help pull me up and keep me safe when I don't realize that's where I was headed.

There is also a quote I found some time ago that seems to explain it fairly well-

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” -David Foster Wallace

I don't know if much of this made sense, I just wish people could understand some more about depression.  It's hurtful and frustrating to hear people say these awful things when they have no idea what they're talking about.  I really wanted to be able to post this on my own facebook page, sharing my experience, but I'm just not ready to do that.  While many people know I suffer from depression, or am "having a very hard time right now", not many know of my self-harm, suicide attempts or current suicidal feelings and I'm not ready yet to just put it out there.  I hope people begin to realize what they're saying at that maybe they should back off and realize that they have no idea what someone may have been/is dealing with or experiencing or feeling.  Please don't automatically judge those, people have compassion, people realize the truly awful place they must have been in to end their life, no matter how selfish it may seem.  For people to want to end their life, and then to act on it...they're in a very dark place.  Please just try to be a friend who loves and if you know someone who is depressed or suicidal, be there for them.  I don't mean to take it on by yourself, that's not good or fair for either one of you.  But help them reach out to the professional help they made need, tell them you love them and value them.  Help them get out of their house, take them a meal, text/call them to tell them you're thinking of them.  It doesn't have to be a big gesture, believe me, even the small things help.  Please watch out for your own well being.  If you don't feel your well being is safe (especially if you yourself struggle with those things and it triggers or causes you more distress), explain to them that it's a bit much for you to handle at the moment, tell them you're sorry, that you love them and then call someone else who would be able to help them and be there for them.

Feeling Alone

(Just a heads up, this is probably a very "Debbie Downer" kind of post.  Sorry)

I've been feeling incredibly alone lately.  Almost more so than ever before.  It seems like everyone is busy and away lately.  Don't get me wrong, I understand.  People have lives, I don't expect every single person to be there for me every second of the day, I don't expect anyone at all to be there for me every second.  There has also been plenty of times I haven't been alone; but lately, things have been very dark and scary for me, I've been feeling awful and not only am I alone a lot, but those times seem to be 100x more intense than usual.  It's especially bad at night (maybe because I expect to be alone during the day).  I work an overnight job (which really doesn't help things at all) and I'm only working 1 or 2 nights a week.  I haven't been able to get more hours and I haven't had any luck getting a new job.  Not too long ago, I was hanging out with my best friend 4-5 evenings a week.  Even nights with church activities, we'd meet up for a couple hours beforehand, have dinner, relax etc; and then we'd hang out for an hour or two after said activity.  But recently, his schedule has changed, he's had to take on some more obligations and because of it, his sleep schedule is also different.  I completely understand all of this, but it SUCKS.  Now, most of the time, the only hang out time I get with him, is like an hour before a church activity (twice a week) to have dinner, just "being" with him during church or church activity and that's about it.  I don't even get to talk to him as much anymore.  It was a pretty sudden change and it really sucks.  I miss him :-(  He recently had car trouble and so I helped him out with some stuff and even though the circumstances weren't ideal (for him)  I was grateful for the extra time I had with him.  My roommate has been busy with her boyfriend in the evenings, and while I've seen her a few times this week and got to hang out one night, she's still gone most of the time.  Two of my friends in the branch that I've been close to over the past 4 years (who got married about 2 years ago) are moving out of the state in about a week.  Other friends have been out of the area for the summer or just busy with other things.  It just sucks big time and most nights I end up curled up in a ball on my bed sobbing feeling alone.

My prayers have been very desperate lately.  Pleading to not feel lonely, to feel some sort of comfort.  Pleading for the darkness to go away, even just for a short time (some relief is better than no relief).  But I feel like nothing is happening.  Well, I suppose I shouldn't say that exactly.  The fact that I've still been able to fight (no matter how much I don't want too) against my addiction, or even just to not end my life, can only be because of my Heavenly Father and Savior.  My strength and energy wore out a long time ago, whatever I have now, is not my own.  I recognize and acknowledge that, and I'm grateful for that.  But I still have this achy lonely feeling and it sucks that in my darkest moments of depression, when I need to really feel the Spirit the most, I can't.  Can I just say something?  Depressions SUCKS!!!!  It is awful and agonizing and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  When I came back to church about 4 years ago, I started reading a lot of books regarding depression and the church and trying to understand things and everything and I'm really trying to understand the things, like the difficulty to feel the Spirit because of depression is a very real thing and it's so hard because when I'm in the darkest point of despair, drowning in my mind in desires to end my life, when I need the Spirit the MOST, I can't always feel it...it's those nights that I end up in bed, curled up in a ball sobbing pleading with Heavenly Father just to take my life because the darkness is so unbearable.

I have been struggling so much just to function or stand up on my own two feet.  Struggling to wake up in the mornings, to take care of myself, to shower or eat, to not lie in bed all day, to try to workout, to do my school work, to go to church activities etc etc etc.  I'm just in this rut and I'm trying to pull myself out and it's not working.  My arms are flailing around for a life preserver because I know there's supposed to be one there (the Lord) but I can't seem to find it.

I really just want to be done.  I want to be happy, I don't want to darkness of this depression anymore, but I feel hopeless.  It feels like it's never going to change.  My medicine isn't doing any good, I can't do much more in terms of doctors/therapy because I don't have the money/financial grounding for it, but I can't find a new job or get more hours at work (not that I'd be able to handle much more, even a couple of nights is hard for me, but mostly because of the overnight aspect and the environment there).  I can't just "think happy thoughts" and the whole thing is just much more frustrating than I'm able to express at the moment.

Sorry for the downer kind of post.  I just needed to try to get something out try to find a place where maybe I wouldn't feel quite as alone.  

Anyone else?

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, so I have been so completely exhausted.  I've also been trying to work out more and I've been helping a friend this week deep clean his apartment and move furniture getting ready for a new roommate.  So I've been at my emotional breaking point.  Those mental and emotional walls break down a lot easier when I'm tired, then add in all the physical labor, and it really breaks them down fast.  I've been slowly getting sick, which also makes me tired.  And my doctor changed my medicine dosage this week so I'm dealing with fun twists and turns from that.

And all of this makes it harder to fight the addiction.  Does anyone else notice that?  That being overly tired and/or being sick seems to basically just be a trigger in itself.  It's already hard to fight everything even when I'm fully functional and not tired.  But now all my energy and strength is gone and my shields and defenses are down.  I continue to fight as hard as I can, and I'm trying to consciously make the decision to keep fighting, but I just keep feeling like it's going to happen sooner or later, so why not just get it over with.  I know I shouldn't think like that, I keep trying to focus on how many days that I have felt like I wasn't going to survive but somehow managed to come out on the other side.  But right now, I just don't care.  I'm sitting at work (I work overnights at the front desk of a hotel) and I'm alone, I'm tired, I keep breaking down and I could really just use a hug right now.  I'm sick of this dark, scary place I'm in.  I want the darkness and this pain to go away, I want it to end and I feel desperate enough to do anything to make it happen. :-/  It sucks feeling like this.

Right now, I am dreading church today.  I don't feel good, I don't want to be around people, and I just don't want to go.  But I know I have too.  It's just exhausting.  See, I don't go home after I get off work at 7am.  I know if I do, I'll either fall asleep and sleep through my alarms, or I'll talk myself into not going to church.  So instead, I go straight to the church building when I get off work Sunday mornings.  I nap in my car until the Branch President shows up, then I go inside and nap in the foyer, or talk with his wife (who I'm kind of close too).  Church is at 11am so the earliest I get to go home to sleep is 2pm.  However, I often end up having dinner with my best friend and then we have ARP meeting in the evening so it's usually 8 or 9pm before I get to go home after working all night.  Even when I don't work Saturday nights, I still get up at 7 or 8am and get ready and go to the building because the longer I am awake and at home, the more time (and more likely it is) that I'll convince myself not to go and just hide in bed.  To me, this is a very big sacrifice, especially on mornings like this, and I hope by making church such a priority, that it shows the Lord I care, even if sometimes I really don't want to be there.

*Insert eerie music*

You know those parts in the movies when they start playing eerie/dooming music when something bad/crazy is about to happen?  I feel like that is playing in the background of my life right now.  Not just in regards to me, but also a close friend of mine.  Something has seemed off with them lately, they haven't seemed quite themselves and I feel like something is around the corner, not necessarily addiction related.  I just feel like something is up and they're not telling me.  It makes me worry about them.  Not to mention I feel like the dam in my own life is about ready to burst any moment.  *Insert dooming/eerie music*

On another note, I've been a bit frustrated lately.  There have been some comments from people the past few weeks that have made me feel like I need to start shutting myself down.  Most of the comments have been from people who just don't really understand depression and things, but some of the comments have been from some people who are close to me that are generally patient and caring.  While they haven't specifically expressed that they're frustrated with me, I can tell from their comments.  Today was a rough day in terms of trying to plaster a face on and by the time I got home tonight, I just crashed.  I ended up writing the following in some big freak out (I'm actually debating posting it on facebook, minus the more specific stuff I don't generally share with people (like about hurting myself and such).  So here's what I ended up with this evening-----



Just be happy.
Just smile.
Be more righteous.
Just choose to be happy.

Obviously it’s all my fault. It’s my fault I feel the way I do, and struggle the way I do. Because all I have to do to fix it is to just “be happy” and “smile”. It’s a choice. And because I struggle, it’s because I’ve CHOOSEN too. WHO IN THEIR FREAKIN RIGHT MIND WOULD CHOOSE THIS?!?!?!?! It’s awful. It’s overwhelming. It’s UNBEARABLE. Don’t you think if it were that freakin easy I would have just “chosen” to be happy by now? It’s like telling someone with cancer to just be healthy and cancer free. No one would ever say something like that to someone with cancer; but because people don’t understand depression, or because it’s not necessarily as much of a “physical” thing, they think telling someone to “just be happy” (aka “just be healthy”) will make it go away. If it were that easy, I WOULDN’T BE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!! I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!! Do you know how HARD it is to smile at all when your mind is consumed with how much you want to end your life, and how/when to do so?!?! I get it, it can be frustrating for the people around me. But believe me, all the frustration other people feel, I feel about 10x more frustrated. It’s become more and more obvious I just need to plaster on face when I’m outside my bedroom…it seems to be what would be best, before I frustrate the people around me so much that they’re out of my life, I’ve done that enough before. But doing so for more than hour is so physically and mentally exhausting. It takes everything I have to do so, and I’m already spending everything I have to not do things like hurt myself or end my life. It doesn’t make sense, and I don’t understand why, but it’s easier to fake it and plaster a face when I’m ‘actively’ hurting myself (not fighting it). I want to be happy. I don’t want to feel this way. I’m doing my best to get into an exercise routine/groove in order to help. I’m seeing a doctor, something I HATE, to try to help. I’m on medicine, which I also HATE, to try to help. I can’t stand all the darkness, it’s so unbearable and I’m desperate to end my life just to make it go away; and half the time, I don’t even know what the darkness is (nothing in particular has to be going on and it’s still this awful darkness.) Why would you think, if all I had to do was smile and be happy, that I would choose this instead? I’m doing the best I can, fighting things with everything I have in me, it’s hard and exhausting, but I’m still alive…that should count for something shouldn’t it? I don’t want to frustrate the people around me. It just seems easier to put up a face.

Soda Bottle

Most people don't understand the concept of physically hurting yourself.  One of the closest "comparisons" I've come up with is to a shaken soda bottle.  We've all had those times.  A soda bottle is severely shaken and ready to burst from pressure; even the slightest twist of the lid starts to relieve the pressure that has built up, the more you untwist, the more pressure is realized.  This is kind of like cutting/hurting yourself.  The slightest act of hurting yourself in some way, is like the slightest twist of the soda lid; it begins to relieve all the built up stress and pressure inside, no matter what is causing it.

I'm almost a month "clean" from hurting myself...but everyday is a huge struggle.  I feel like everything is just building up behind a faulty dam, and the longer I go without hurting myself, every drop of water gets closer to overflowing that dam.  Eventually it's going to flood and I'm going to snap.  I'm doing my best to fight everyday.

There's not really a whole lot more to update, just some random things on my mind.  I've been slacking on working my recovery and doing my scripture reading.  It's really hard to be motivated because often times, I don't notice a difference anyways, so I feel like, "why bother".  I need to get back on track and I intend too tonight.  Tomorrow will an exciting Sunday.  The area I live in has 2 family wards and 1 student branch (with both singles and young marrieds without kids).  Well, the family wards share a building, and the student branch has been meeting in the "Spiritual Center" on the university's campus for an incredibly long time now.  Last year (after many years of being "close" to it) they finally started construction on our own building and tomorrow is our first Sunday meeting in it, so we're all pretty excited.

If anyone feels like it, I could use some prayers that a potential job opportunity works out for me.  I've been working part time after getting my hours cut and for awhile it's been enough, but they're been cutting my hours more and more and my money/financial situation is not good at all.  I've been trying to find a new job for over a year and have had plenty of interviews, but nothing has worked out.  I've been working on a potential writing opportunity and I should know the beginning of the week what they decide.  If this works out, both time wise and money wise it would be perfect so I'm really hoping things go well.

Tender Mercies

I haven't been doing as well with scripture reading and "working" my recovery as much as I should be these days.  I could list some reasons why I've been busy but really, I just haven't been making time.  I haven't felt like, so I've been slacking.  This is the attitude I need to avoid.  It's hard enough to fight things as it is...if I slack off too much, it's going to get worse.

Anyways, I was doing some thinking today and my mind wandered to the topic of tender mercies.  Suffering with depression, feeling the spirit can often be difficult, especially in the darkest moments when I need it most.  But I do have things/people/events in my life that remind me that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is aware of me.  There have been things like texts from my best friend just at the right moment, an email from a friend who's away for the summer that simply says "I was just thinking about you.  Love ya!", etc etc etc.  The #1 thing that serves as a reminder to me is my friendship with my best friend.  The manner in how we became friends is a little random, but looking back at our friendship, it is obvious that Heavenly Father placed us in each other's lives right when we needed each other the most, and were able to be there for each other in a way that no one else could have.  Looking back at some events in my life that happened that caused me to be in this location at this time, have always frustrated me in the past...but it has become beyond obvious there was a reason why going to school in Florida didn't happen like I had dreamt, why my attempts to come back to church weren't successful before my attempt in summer 2010 finally was.  The friendship is constantly a source of tender mercies to me.  I can feel the love and care my best friend has for me, and at times, I can even feel the love my Savior and Heavenly Father have for me through him as well (if that makes sense?).

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance."  -1 Nephi 1:20

To go along with that scripture, and one of my favorite quotes about tender mercies, from Elder David A Bednar:

"The Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strengths, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindness, consolation, support and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. . . .The Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.  Faithfulness, obedience and humility invite tender mercies into our lives and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings."

Some time ago, I began writing down tender mercies I witnessed in my life in my journal. I then also use those little post it tags to mark the pages where I recorded a tender mercy, so anytime I need reminding, I can easily turn to a page and be reminded of the things in my life.  I strongly encourage others to do this.  It has been such a great blessing in my life to do so; not just record them, but mark them so you can easily find them.  I urge you to give it a try.  <3

It was MY race...and I crossed the finish line!

Well, Sunday morning was my 5k. My friend and I left town at 3am, we drove about 3 and half hours to get there. I had been preparing for this. I wasn't as prepared as I would have liked because of some recent struggles...but I felt confident I could at least cross the finish line. Until I got the starting line and saw the ENORMOUS hill in front of me, and no, that's not a metaphor. This course was incredibly challenging. In the first mile alone, probably about 3/4 of it was uphill, a steep, long hill. The rest of the course was incredibly hilly as well. Given who was "sponsoring" the race, I expected the course to be more encouraging. To be a course that those of all (most) fitness levels and beginners/first timers (such as myself) could manage. Even the friend I was with, an avid runner, said it was one of the most challenging courses he's ever traveled and there has been a lot of discussion from the other participants about how brutal it was.


I made it up about a quarter of the way the hill (or less) before I began having to rest every 10 or 20 feet. I quickly felt very sick and light headed/dizzy and like I was going to pass out and I began having to sit on the side of the road and rest for a few minutes pretty often. I wasn't even at the top of the hill when the first runners began making their way back down towards the finish line. As I progressed, while everyone else was on their way back to the finish line, they were cheering me on, high fiving me, making sure I was okay when I was resting, and stopped to pass along a water bottle. The sense of community and support really moved and inspired me. My friend continued to push me, encourage me to try not to rest, or push me farther before I did. He supported me and cheered me on. He would walk backwards in front of me so that I could look at him, he told me to only look at him, not to look beyond him, just focus on those few feet in front of me and listen to his voice. He was very soothing and calming, telling a story and encouraging me and helped calm my breathing when I was short of breath. After a very slow pace, and many many rests, I made it to mile 2. I still have several hills to get through before the finish line and I continued to feel sick and like I was going to pass out, I was legitimately worried about my health. During that rest, there happened to be one of the volunteers on a shuttle going by and stopped and asked if I was okay and if I needed a ride. I really wanted to finish the whole thing, but it was beyond my physical limits...but I didn't want to "give up". The volunteer suggested if he just shuttled me back to the top of that first hill (the huge one from the beginning) and I finish on foot and cross the finish line (going down that huge hill I climbed up at the start...there was still one smallish hill to overcome as you cross). So I took the compromise and was shuttled for somewhere between 1/2 and a 3/4 of a mile. I was the very last 5k finisher and it was probably the hardest physical thing I've ever done in my life...


But I crossed the finish line!!!


I received a medal and as I was recovering, lots of people walked me who remembered seeing me out there and stopped to congratulate me. (There was also a half marathon and and those runners were also included in the ones who cheered me on//congratulated me on and off the course). Had this been a less hilly course, things would have gone differently. In fact, at the end of the summer, I am planning (hoping) to do my own 5k, just so I can prove to myself I can, and feel better about this one. I checked the time at the end of the race, but I didn't share it with anyone because 1. It was a little embarrassing, there were the insane hills that I wasn't prepared for and I had to rest a lot, but more importantly 2. The time was never important. It was about finishing.


That night while lying in bed (and ever since then) there are two "voices" fighting in my head-


Voice 1- Proud, Accomplishment etc
"You crossed the finish line. You may have rested, a lot, and you may have "cheated" a portion of it...but you finished a MAJORITY of it, and even considering what you didn't do, you conquered that huge hill; that in and of itself is an accomplishment. I'm proud of myself."

Voice 2- Self loathing, worthless, failure
"You couldn't even do the whole course. You had to rest like every 10 feet, if that. You don't deserve any of the encouragement or congratulations that people have been giving you. Your parents are right. No wonder why they see you the way you do."

When I shared these things with my friend who was with me that day, he responded with this:
"You deserve every accolade voice #1 is giving you. As for voice #2, it has the power to tear your down or build you up. You get to decide. Many believed you'd NEVER attempt a 5K. You just walked one of the most challenging course that I.... have ever traversed! Do you want to know why voice #2 is so believable and overpowering? Because though it be a web of lies, there are a few sparse silken strands of truth in it. That is the great deception: to get you to accept the mess of lies because of one tiny truth. Did you complete all 3.1 miles of the course? No, but you completed ~2.4 miles of it. Did you rest every 10 feet? During some portions, other portions you kept going beyond that. Are your parents right? ... about what? not having the courage to cross the starting line? not having the humility to follow an encouraging, believing voice beyond your limitations? not having the resolve to start a marvelous journey of self-discovery and healing? Really, what exactly are.... they "right" about?
Do you deserve the encouragement and accolades? Maybe not for that portion that we were in the shuttle. But, a resounding YES for all the rest!
This was YOUR race. Not theirs. YOURS.
Your race was to get up that hill.
Your race was to get down the other side.
Your race was to walk that long stretch in the middle.
Your race was to walk up those hills around the course.
Your race was to pick your self back up time and time again, when the world was spinning and you were concerned it wouldn't stop.
Your race was to keep your breathing under control, pacing yourself, and keeping one foot in front of the next.
Your race was to press upon and break through your self-imposed mental limitations.
Your race was to accept the compromise to take the shuttle part way, as opposed to the rest of the way, and complete the last stretch on FOOT.
Your race was to cross that finish line and have that medal adorned upon your neck.
And that medal is symbolic of every sentence in this paragraph that begins with "your race." And that is what everyone was congratulating you for and encouraging you through out. Many saw themselves in you. They KNOW how difficult it was for you. It is something I can only imagine. But they KNOW. And because they know, your deserve their encouragement all the more."
(Boldness, sizing and separation of sentences done by me)


He then challenged me with this thought: "So what will voice #2 mean to you? A coercion to accept the tangle of lies and give up. Or an opportunity to extract the resolve of those small strands of truth to learn from the experience and grow from it. Metaphorically, you are in YOUR race through life. You've completed a most challenging stretch. You have available to you a patch of grass in the shade. You can stay there and forfeit the rest of your life's walk. Or you can rest up, resolve, get back to your feet and keep moving forward."


I mentioned last week the connections I saw between the 5k coming up and my trials and struggles. And now, I see them even more. Every time I rested on that course, I eventually got up again. I kept going. I keep falling down in my trials/struggles, I'm exhausted and frustrated and I want to quit. I need to keep getting back up on my feet and keep moving forward.

Aside from all this, tonight has been another difficult night. It was a night that I was in an unsafe position to be alone, but most of the people I reach out too are out of town, or were busy and couldn't hang out and couldn't really talk. So I was at home all night alone in very dark thoughts and desperate to let the darkness win. I prayed, sobbing and pleading with Heavenly Father just to take my life because it feels so unbearable. I prayed to be able to get a hold of somebody and not be alone when I felt unsafe. I still couldn't get a hold of anyone, and I feel incredibly alone right now. I want to feel the Spirit, I want to not feel so alone in these dark moments. The moments where I question my existence, when I want to give in to hurting myself, when I feel like everyone around me would be better off without me around. I've even considered going to the hospital...but there are many roadblocks and fears preventing me from doing so.

In these darkest moments, it's hard to see the things I work hard at holding on to. I'm blinded by the darkness. All I want is a way out and I can only see one way.

Thus far this evening, I've held strong, and I know that strength isn't mine at the moment. So even though I can't necessarily feel the Spirit at the moment, I know I'm being given some extra strength to make it through the night. Tomorrow is another day.